Five people you'll meet at the Rose of Tralee

There are a number of types who turn up at the Rose of Tralee every year. And in researching and writing the upcoming Dublin Fringe Festival show Oh! What a Lovely Rose!, Tragic Spud theatre company have encountered quite a lot of them. Here are five that might just appear on your TV screens next week. Recognise anyone?

The host

Tipofthetongueteethandthelipstipofthetongueteethandthelipstipofthe. WELL DIA DHIABH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS, ROSES AND THORNS! TURN DOWN YOUR HEARING AIDS BECAUSE YOU WON’T BE NEEDING THEM TONIGHT!

Please welcome to the stage the incomparable, incredible and insufferable Malachaí McCarthy! Oh, he’s got a wonderful show lined up for you this evening, ladies and gentlemen, indeed he does.

And Malachaí has just been backstage, and honest to God, he has never seen such beauty in his life. AND THAT WAS ONLY IN THE MIRROR! Oh Lord, this fella is a ticket! Thank goodness for the vaguely upbeat big band music that follows him wherever he goes, because if it wasn’t for that, there would be more than a few eyelids drooping before RTÉ2 of a Saturday night. Not for want of him trying to get your attention though. A purple tie? Perhaps a jazzy pattern? Maybe shouting badly scripted punchlines at top volume into a microphone? But enough of the chitchat, ladies and gentlemen! Tonight’s not about him! (Is it not?) On with the show!

The classic Rose

Aisling (24, brown hair, blue eyes, from Ennistymon, Co Clare except for three months spent in San Diego in 2013 which she would definitely recommend but thank God for Skype all the same and the shops that sell Irish things like Tayto and Barry’s) is so, so, sooo nice.

She’s just graduated from arts in Mary I and has no idea what she’s going to do now, but the competition is a great distraction! Her family are all here tonight, that’s them in the front row, waving the foam finger! They can be SO crazy sometimes!

Her long-term boyfriend Greg is there with them. He’s sooo romantic! They first kissed around the back of McDonald’s so sometimes he brings her to the drive-through as a sort of walk down memory lane. He is the reason she is here tonight. Thank you, Greg!

She also has to thank STYLEZ, the shop she’s been working in for years in Ennistymon. Customers kept coming in and saying things like, “Aisling, you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen”, which is soooo encouraging.

For her talent she’s written a poem especially for tonight. She’s a little nervous because this is the first time anyone has ever heard her original pieces. Or, in fact, heard her say anything original at all . . . so let’s hope it’s a good one.

The high-achieving Rose

Oh howdy, y’all! Mary Beth Lou Stella Blanche will be your Texas Rose this evening, so sit down, saddle up and prepare for the most rootinist tootinist lil lady from the Wild Wild West to visit the West! YEEHAWW.

How is she connected to dear ol’ Ireland? Well, her Grandpappy’s name was Patrick, so everyone just assumed . . . YEEHAW!!

Currently Mary Beth is the managing director of her own company that uses renewable energy as a means of extracting power from the soil in Texas, so she doesn’t really have much spare time but when she does, she likes to come to Ireland to research her family history and explore and develop the existing economic ties between Ireland and the United States.

For her talent this evening Mary Beth was going to do a presentation of her 12-point strategic development plan which is an analysis of the factors companies should consider before expanding their global operations or entering a new market and why this is such an important consideration in the global business environment.

But apparently the wifi is password-protected so she’s just gonna throw her hat in the air and catch it again. YEEHAW!!!

The dark-horse Rose

Gráinne is a farmer. Always has been, always will be. She’s happy to be here tonight representing the Aran Islands, especially seein’ as it’s the first time they’ve ever had a look in. The shmack of a centralised government on that, confirming her suspicion that people on the mainland worry about giving the islands too much autonomy.

Lord knows you give most people there an inch and they’ll take a country mile. Most people being the five fat-headed gobshites she calls brothers. She’s the eldest and runs the farm.

None of that dillydallying around off to college; she has a business to run, a farm to keep and cattle to be milking. She’s out every day rain, hail or shine and God help her if she’d ever accept a helping hand from those lumps of lard. She’s the eldest, the farm is hers and that’s that.

They’re not getting it till she dies. And sure she might never die. She’s very strong. She could be in the Olympics by her own reckoning. Sure, doesn’t she take one swift running jump and land in perfect position on her tractor everyday.

You wouldn’t find another woman on the island could do that. Or man for that matter.

And NO, she wouldn’t be getting married. Had a boyfriend once, didn’t suit her. So she did the classic kittens-in-a-bag at the side of a lake. Dumped him.

Would ye wipe that look off yer faces? If you had some feckin’ escort slinking around behind you for a week straight, you’d do the same thing.

The escort

Maírtín Ó Bumchín loves women. As in, all women. As in, the ground they walk on. More importantly, he understands them. He has a mum, he has sisters, he has a girlfriend (obviously) so he’d have to be thick as a bloody well pile of planks not to. He also understands that the traditional phrase is just “thick as a plank”, but Maírtín would like to demonstrate just how serious he is when it comes to respecting women AND how UN-traditional he is in his attitude.

And he would also like to demonstrate his way with words. He actually thought there might be more of an opportunity for HIM to do that in Tralee, but they keep zoning in on the chicks. Pretty unfair.

Actually, pretty disgraceful that gender equality is bypassing the festival in this way considering he didn’t take home economics in TY for the good of his health. He also didn’t haul his arse all the way from Terenure to bloody well TRALEE to get ignored.

Maírtín is a major feminist, okay? And the world needs to know. He’s also delighted that he got paired with a hottie because that boosts her chances of winning (right?) and ipso facto he’ll get on TV. BOOM!

Heather Walsh is the producer of Oh! What a Lovely Rose! by Erica Murray and Oonagh O'Donovan, which is at Smock Alley Theatre as part of Tiger Dublin Fringe Festival, September 16th-19th, 2015; The Rose of Tralee International Festival 2015 is on RTÉ One, at 8pm, on Monday, August 17th, and Tuesday, August 18th