Bring back Love Island’s Irish contestants. The British ones can be, er, less than self-aware

The producers of the new season of Love Island (Virgin Media Two, Monday, 9pm) have refrained from calling it Love Island: Winter Edition. This is presumably to avoid any association with the franchise’s previous, ill-fated January excursion, which took place in 2020, weeks before the world shut down.

Covid wasn’t the only bad-news story brewing in the background. It was while the series was broadcasting from South Africa that Caroline Flack died by suicide, raising questions about the dangerous pressures of the Love Island spotlight and the recreational cruelty of the Twitter mob.

Three years later it’s back to South Africa – though not quite to a Love “Island”. The contest is instead taking place in a gated mansion in the upmarket Cape Town suburb of Franschhoek. Here, the big talking point is that Laura Whitmore is no longer hosting. The Irishwoman has moved on to other projects, including her West End debut, and is replaced by the enthusiastic newcomer Maya Jama.

The former Glow Up presenter is, at 28, the same age as the contestants, and she strikes up an easy rapport with them. They, for their part, are the usual mixed bunch of posers, preeners and pec flexors.

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There is Will, a farmer, who is already a sensation on TikTok, with a million followers. Haris sells televisions. (“I’m that good at selling TVs,” he says, “I can sell a TV when it’s not even on.”) Olivia was once a body double for Michelle Keegan on EastEnders. Lana is a Harry Potter fan.

[ Love Island 2023: Everything you need to know ]

There are no Irish contestants, which is a shame because it means we have nobody to root for. And also because the Irish Love Islanders always come across as blessed with more self-awareness than their British counterparts. They always seem aware of how absurd the entire fandango is, whereas the British participants can appear to believe that this truly is their ticket to the big time.

Drama is at a minimum in this opening programme. There’s a musical-chairs moment during the convoluted coupling-up process. Kai dumps Olivia for Tanyel – not to be confused with Tanya, another contestant.

Olivia is less than impressed with being then paired with consolation-prize contestant Will, whom she has already friend-zoned. Still, that is the least of her problems, as she also has a phobia about men using umbrellas. “It’s a really weird one, but it’s just the thought of them running outside under the umbrella.”

The biggest bombshell is right at the end, as another bloke is parachuted into the villa in the shape of Tom, an amateur footballer.

This, though, is the height of the excitement. Which is to say that the new Love Island isn’t very exciting at all. It may not have “winter” in the title, but there is certainly a chill in its bones that not even Jama’s enthusiasm can banish.