My husband wants to have sex for at least an hour every time - it’s putting me off

Dear Roe,

Since my husband and I had our first baby, we are barely having sex. We both accept that it’s less frequent as we are under a lot of pressure with work, and due to our little girl being sick very frequently. However, his expectation that sex should go on for over an hour, preceded by showers and shaving etc, is putting me off. I don’t mind his preference for being clean, and his needing/wanting a long period of stimulation before orgasm wasn’t a problem pre-baby, but now I just don’t have the energy for such long sessions every time. I have tried telling him (in and out of bed), and also visibly losing interest midway to show him, since the verbal discussion seemed to have no effect. Each time I encourage him to climax rather than to “hold off” (as is his habit), and each time he promises — but then does it again. It’s actually quite upsetting as he seems not to care about my current needs. I would like to have more frequent, but quicker, sex. Sometimes I think the issue may be because he is circumcised and might have delayed ejaculation, but I have asked him and he just says he prefers taking longer as he enjoys it more. I don’t know what else to do. Currently we are just not having sex due to other stresses, which neither of us is happy about. I orgasm in about five to 10 minutes — which he always wants me to do first to turn him on — and it feels unfair that I then have to wait so long for him to finish after, every single time. What do you advise?

Let’s address the tangential question of delayed ejaculation first. I will never armchair diagnose someone with either premature or delayed ejaculation for two reasons. One, I am not a medical doctor; and two, the idea of “premature” or “delayed” ejaculation is wildly subjective. It assumes that there is one ideal length of time that sexual activity should last before ejaculation and that anything that falls outside of that range is inherently a problem. But this isn’t true. Only the individual — sometimes with input from their partner — can decide whether their ejaculation time is causing them distress or difficulty, or if there has been a significant or noteworthy change that could indicate an underlying issue. If, and only if, they feel that there is a problem should they seek out advice from a doctor (and possibly a therapist if there is an emotional or psychological component to their issue). But sex is a subjective experience that individuals and couples get to navigate on their own terms, and we should resist pathologising sexual activity based on arbitrary standards.

There is also no ideal length of time that couples “should” have sex. Every couple will have a different idea of what works for them. However, there are reported averages and they do not point to hours-long marathon sessions being the ideal for most people. In a 2005 survey of members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR), sex therapists said three to seven minutes was an “adequate” amount of time for penile-vaginal sex to last (where ejaculation was being used as a metric for the end of sex), while seven to 13 minutes was “desirable”. The survey also found 10 to 30 minutes was “too long.” A 2010 survey of 300 heterosexual couples, published in Reproductive Medicine and Biology, stated that female participants wanted sex to last between 15 and 30 minutes.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

---

‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

---

‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

---

‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

---

But of course, sex itself has a much broader definition that penile-vaginal penetration between heterosexual couples, and “ideal” sex is utterly individual and subjective. Other surveys have shown that couples who enjoy more non-penetrative activities such as kissing, fondling, mutual masturbation, oral sex etc often enjoy longer sex sessions; same-sex female couples often enjoy fewer but longer sex sessions than men in couples; and factors such as age, health, children and stress all have a huge impact on libido over time.

Simply, what constitutes ideal sex will be different for everyone, therefore how long sex should last is completely dependent on individual preferences. What matters in a relationship isn’t what any other person or survey claims is normal, but what works for both of you.

I admit, I was inclined to be slightly more sympathetic to your husband until this sentence: “I have tried telling him (in and out of bed), and also visibly losing interest midway to show him, since the verbal discussion seemed to have no effect.” Let me be unequivocal: this is horrendous. Your husband is not only ignoring your clearly stated boundaries, but during sex itself he is ignoring that you are actively communicating that you are not enjoying yourself. He is continuing to have sex with you as though you aren’t a human being he wants to respect, care for and connect with, but a vessel for his sexual pleasure. You don’t say how these interactions make you feel, but it sounds horrific and violating and I’m so sorry he’s doing this.

This is a serious issue that goes beyond sex to basic respect, consent and care, and you need to take time to think about how you feel about this situation, him, and your relationship. If you want to stay with him there need to be some serious conversations — ideally with a couples’ therapist who could also help with the other stressors in your relationship. You need to have a serious discussion about what sex in your marriage really is. Is it a way to connect, to enjoy intimacy together, to enjoy mutual satisfaction — or is the aim to have your husband feel completely satisfied to the detriment of your comfort, pleasure, consent, and sense of yourself as a respected and cared-for partner? Your husband’s actions are showing his current value system, and it’s important that he starts acknowledging this.

Your life has changed since having a baby, and your husband needs to accept that — like many couples in many situations — your sex life has changed with it. For sex to be a positive experience for you both, it needs to evolve with your changing needs.

You do not want to have sex for an hour and prefer to have sex for an amount of time that is enjoyable and sustainable for you. This is a completely reasonable boundary. The question you need to answer now is what sex is going to look like under these conditions. What does your husband want to prioritise? Does he want to have sex, enjoy watching you orgasm, then come to an orgasm himself on his own when you want to stop? Does he want to masturbate himself before initiating sexual activity with you so that when you get involved he’s already turned on and you can both orgasm together within a time frame that is sustainable to you? Would introducing sex toys, pornography or certain positions help him ejaculate more quickly, or give him some stimulation to enjoy when you are done? You could even take a break while he continues to masturbate, and rejoin him when he’s close to finishing.

You need to establish a new norm, and only later down the line, when your husband has recommitted to respecting your needs and boundaries, can you discuss the possibility of consciously saving some time for the occasional long session.

But your husband’s actions have shown a lack of respect, care and consideration that has seeped beyond your sex life into the very core of your relationship. This needs to be repaired on several levels. You deserve better than this. Make sure you get it.