‘After years of being single, I finally slept with someone – and now they’re ghosting me’

Dear Roe,

I am a 35-year old single woman. I have only ever been in one long-term relationship and that ended more than 10 years ago. It took me a very long time to get over it and since then, I’ve been single apart from a few flings. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was nearly 25 so I missed out on all the teenage sexual experimentation and experiences. Consequently, I am very inexperienced in bed. About 18 months ago, myself and a guy from work that I had never really talked to before drunkenly ended up kissing after a night out. After a few texts and some chats in the office, we went on a few daytime dates with no alcohol. We got on really well with non-stop talking and craic and laughs, and lots of texting, particularly on his part, with him telling me that he really liked me. For the first few weeks we just kissed but it didn’t go any further. I felt like he really respected me and I started to really like him. One morning, when we were both hungover, we ended up having sex and since I’m so inexperienced, I feel like it really wasn’t very good for him because I didn’t really know what to do or suggest.

A week or two after this, we had a chat about “us” and he said that he wanted to just be friends, and hang out and have a laugh and not have it go any further. He said that he always ended up being unable to commit and that if we were in a relationship, at some point he would want out of it. I told him that I didn’t think I could just be friends as it had gone too far for me. He looked disappointed but accepted my decision. Then last week at an office dinner, we both got drunk and ended up alone chatting together, and where he told me he still really liked me before we briefly kissed. Since then he has pretty much ghosted me and has been acting as if nothing ever happened. The one and only text I sent him after our most recent drunken kiss went completely unanswered and unacknowledged. It is extremely unusual for me to come across a guy that I not only feel comfortable with but that I am actually attracted to and willing to take my clothes off for. Am I being a totally desperate loser in thinking that maybe there is something there between us that could possibly develop into something? Or should I just cop on and have some self-respect and accept that he’s just not that into me?

What you need to do is stop talking about yourself in such negative, judgmental terms. Do you see the only options you’ve presented? You’re either a “desperate loser” or you need to “cop on and have some self-respect”. How about you start with having some self-compassion for yourself, and treating yourself with some kindness? There is so much judgment and shame radiating from your letter, and I feel like some of that is definitely trickling into your dynamic with this man, but more importantly it’s really impacting the relationship you have with yourself.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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First of all, you have to stop apologising for your level of sexual experience. Your sexual and romantic journey is yours, and no decent person will ever judge you for it – but you have to stop judging yourself for it, too. Ironically, the second you stop judging yourself for not having more sexual experience, the better your sex will be. There’s a common explanation of shame through an acronym – Should Have Already Mastered Everything, and I think you’ve internalised this idea around your sexual and romantic history in ways that are keeping you stuck. For example, when you had sex with this man you write that you felt self-conscious that you didn’t know what to do or what to offer – but the truth is that even if you had slept with more people, you still wouldn’t have known what this person in particular liked. Good sex doesn’t come from telepathy, it comes from communication, and good communication is about having the confidence to just ask. How would it feel not to apologise for or feel ashamed of your lack of experience, and to instead learn how to feel comfortable saying “Hey, the first few times I sleep with someone I like to move a bit slower and figure out what feels good for both of us. Can you show me what you like?”

This is a man who will make you feel used and alone and abandoned, and part of you is drawn to him because you believe you don’t deserve better. You do

That isn’t a silly question or something to be ashamed of asking – it’s the sign of a thoughtful, communicative, confidant partner. By modelling what thoughtful communication and a desire to explore pleasure looks like, you’re also setting the standard for what you expect from a partner, which hopefully means that your partner will pay attention to what feels good for you, too – and if they don’t, you know they’re not someone to continue sleeping with.

Shame often keeps us focused on what other people think of us, instead of allowing us to notice our own desires and experiences. It’s noteworthy that you’ve convinced yourself this man didn’t enjoy sex with you and that it’s somehow your fault – and yet you don’t mention if the sex was good for you, and whether he was a good and attentive partner. Did you enjoy yourself? Did you feel pleasure? Was he communicative and attentive and exploratory? Did you feel connected in the ways you wanted to? Was he kind to you immediately after? You’re so focused on judging yourself and worrying about his experience that you don’t seem to be paying attention to how you yourself feel, and how your experience was. That’s what shame does; it disconnects us from ourselves and only lets us internalise negative narratives, instead of letting us accept and focus on our own boundaries, wants and experience.

Shame can also tell us to keep returning to people who aren’t good to us or for us, as shame can make us believe that we don’t deserve better. I fear that’s what’s happening here. This man may be funny and charming, but he has also literally told you that he gets bored easily and leaves women quickly – and he has already ghosted you. This is a man who will make you feel used and alone and abandoned, and part of you is drawn to him because you believe you don’t deserve better. You do.

Forget this man. He is not the man to move forward with. But this is an experience to learn from. Think about what you find attractive in him, but also what you want from a partner that he is not offering you – clear communication, respect, mutual interest, tenderness, commitment, empathy. And then think about how you can bring those qualities of respect, tenderness, commitment and empathy to yourself; how you can treat yourself with more love and compassion. I’d highly recommend getting a therapist so you can work on your self-esteem and confidence, and can start breaking through that shame to focus on what you want, and to know that you deserve it.