Quiz: How Irish are you?

With Syrian refugees now arriving in the Republic – six families were housed in Co Kerry last month – they’re in for a jarring awakening. As natives know, there’s a gulf between the official version of Ireland and the real one. Our new arrivals can take our quiz to see how well they’re getting to know true Irish culture.

Where is an Irish person most likely to speak Irish – the country's first language – rather than English?
A: At home, while chatting with friends or family. Where else?
B: At the side of a road, to a garda insisting on a breath test for drink-driving.
C: Abroad, so as to slag unsuspecting foreigners.

Irish patriotism tends to spike during international sport ing events. At calmer times, which Irish people are most likely to praise their country?
A: Those living, working and raising families in Ireland.
B: Those receiving medical treatment for delusions.
C: Those who have given up on the kip and are now living, working and raising families abroad

Many Irish people support English soccer clubs. Our best soccer players play in England. The most popular manager of our national team was English. So, come June, when the England team togs out for Euro 2016, what will Irish fans do?
A: Wish them well and say how sweet it would be if they finally won a major tournament 50 years on from their last, the 1966 World Cup.
B: Cheer on England once the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland are inevitably knocked out.
C: Take gleeful bets on how rapidly the air will escape from the English balloon. Again.

The Irish driving test is beyond rigorous. Just because someone has driven safely in New Zealand (or Canada or the US) for 15 years doesn't mean that person won't fail three times here. What does that make Irish roads?
A: The safest in the world.
B: Calm and orderly, because everyone is so well drilled on the rules of the road.
C: Cauldrons of law flouting, where 99 per cent of us have seen someone use a mobile phone while driving and 75 per cent see speeding at least once a week.

The media triumphantly reports an Irish film has been nominated for a Golden Globe or an Oscar. How do such reports define an Irish film?
A: One written, directed and acted by Irish people, financed with Irish money, shot in Ireland, with a script that addresses contemporary Irish concerns. 
B: Anything shot in Co Wicklow.
C: One directed by a Yank or Brit who spent a few summers as a child visiting his granny in Termonfeckin.

If you settle in rural Ireland you are considered a blow-in. This term of affection applies equally to Irish people born a few kilometres up the road. How long until you are no longer a blow-in?
A: Five years.
B: 55 years.
C: Five generations.

If you settle in Dublin you will be an honorary culchie. How long until you become a true Dub? 
A: Five years.
B: 55 years.
C: Five generations.

Most Irish people (62 per cent) live in cities or towns, with the remainder in the countryside. Which group is mostly likely to say this of the other: "That lot! Pack of spongers. Don't pay as much tax as we do, and what do we have to show for it? All the public spending goes on them. And still they never stop whinging."?
A: Urban dwellers of rural.
B: Rural dwellers of urban.
C: This is a trick question.

You are invited to an Irish social event where alcohol is being served, but you are a nondrinker. As person after person urges booze on you, what is your best tactic?
A: Ask for juice.
B: First explain your reasons for avoiding alcohol, then ask for juice.
C: Clutch a gin and tonic you have no intention of drinking, just to be left in peace.

Irish dancing was developed by barefoot peasants who, if they had the time and energy after saving the hay, digging the spuds and cutting the turf, met at the crossroads for a hooley. How do today's competitive Irish dancers honour this austere heritage?
A: By embracing simplicity in dress.
B: By embracing a natural Irish look – the traditional red hair, pale skin and freckles.
C: By wearing lavish make-up and fake tan, wigs that Marie Antoinette would fancy, and costumes that add 10 per cent to their body weight.

Before striking up a conversation with Irish neighbours, what would it be best to read?
A: The work of a great Irish writer such as James Joyce.
B: Reports on the goings-on in Dáil Éireann.
C: The GAA pages of your local newspaper, ideally while wearing the jersey of the local GAA club.

Why is the harp Ireland's national emblem?
A: Because it connects us with our ancient Celtic culture, in which harpists were very close to top dog.
B: Because as a people we revel in the time, discipline and hard work required to master this musical instrument.
C: Because what counts in Ireland is the number of strings you can pull.

Given that Ireland is a proud democracy, Irish people have many fond slang terms for their elected politicians. Can you suggest the opposite of the following: sleveen, cute hoor and gombeen?
A: Give me a minute.
B: Is this another trick question?
C: Certainly not. The opposites don't exist.

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Well? How did you do?

Mostly As: Welcome and good luck. You're obviously very new in the country. Try again next year.

Mostly Bs: You're well on your way.

Mostly Cs: Congrats! You're now one of us. God help you.