Bye-bye Blighty with a butler in tow

Michael Parsonsboards a luxury cruise ship and checks in to a suite just vacated by Jeffrey Archer

TIMES ARE hard. But there are certain little luxuries no gentleman should have to live without. And chief among them is retaining a butler. Wouldn't it be easier to wake up to Cathal Mac Coille explaining the latest twist in the banking crisis on Morning Irelandif Jeeves appeared with a freshly-ironed shirt and a silver pot of steaming Lapsang Souchong?

So the chance to experience life aboard a luxurious cruise ship with a “personalised butler service” sounded irresistible.

Silversea is one of the most prestigious names in international cruising, operates a fleet of six ships, and promises holidaymakers “exceptional ocean journeys with unique opportunities to explore remote ports-of-call from an intimate haven of incomparable luxury, each voyage a unique masterpiece”. They sure set the bar high.

The good ship Silver Whisperwas embarking on a leisurely, transatlantic, 12-day voyage from the south coast of England, via Canada, to New York. Boarding took place at Southampton – former gateway to empire – from where a pith-helmeted privileged elite once travelled "portside out and starboard home". Unless, of course, they succumbed to the curare-dipped arrows or cooking pots of understandably disgruntled natives. Now, "posh" is back and luxury cruising is one of the fastest-growing segments of the international travel industry.

Check-in was a doddle (the rich don't know they're born) and guests were greeted on arrival by staff bearing "refreshing towels" and snipes of champagne. Château d'Anglo peut-être?

The ship’s interior design suggested 1930s New York art deco.

There was no need to worry about "cabin fever". Accommodation was in a suite, worthy of the Titanic, with a large double-bed; walk-in wardrobe; separate sitting area; bathroom equipped with both walk-in shower and bath; and a private, ocean-facing veranda. Oh, and a writing desk already stocked with personalised notepaper – perfect for faxing ashore to begrudgers.

In the velvet-lined room safe, the previous guest had left behind a slim wallet. The rich are different. They use credit cards issued by Coutts – the famously discreet private bank whose customers include Queen Elizabeth. And the name on the plastic? A certain Jeffrey Archer. The bursar was pleased to have the wallet returned. “A matter of honour” as the author, also known as Lord Archer of Weston-super-Mare, might put it.

The passengers were predominantly American and British, aged 60 and (way) upwards, including a smattering of retired military men with “Seánie” walnut tans; smooth, wavy, silver locks; and brass-buttoned blazers. Their cougarish wives displayed the unmistakeable signifiers of truly well-heeled women: real jewellery; perfectly coiffed hair; and skin polished to a perfect sheen by Crème de la Mer.

Many appeared to be serial cruisers who greeted long-lost friends and crew: “When was the last time we met? Wasn’t it in Hong Kong? Or Monaco? No, heck, now I remember! It was the day we sailed into Nicaragua.”

Services on the ship were clearly designed to encourage elegant, lazy cruising and certainly not tailored to the needs of hyper-active youth. Facilities included a casino; a sun-deck with pool and hot tub; an opulent Viennese-style theatre for musical variety shows; a library and computer room with internet service; an elegant spa; and, an astro-turf jogging course on one deck for those crazy Yanks who like that sort of thing.

“Activities” featured bridge parties, golf putting and lectures by experts (dubbed “enrichment specialists”) who included a historian and broadcaster with a penchant for “royalty”.

Professional partners (Freds but no Gingers) were available for “the unaccompanied who may wish to dance”. And incurable gaspers will be delighted to know that – unlike on some cruise ships – smokers were generously catered for with designated smoking tables in some bars and lounges and in certain areas on open decks. A clubby humidor, furnished with supremely comfortable leather armchairs, was available for cigar and pipe smokers. But, for those who can’t abide the habit, fear not, as most areas on the ship were non-smoking.

But the real emphasis aboard was on food and drink – available pretty much on tap at an array of bars and restaurants – from an open-air poolside grill to the gourmet “tasting menus” at the aptly-named Le Champagne.

The crew-to-guest ratio appeared to be at least one-to-one. And staff couldn’t have been more attentive. “Hello Sir; I’m Randy; your waiter for this evening.” Good heavens. But, sure enough, a name badge confirmed the beaming Filipino’s splendid moniker.

The choice and quality of food was astonishing. Breakfast (pancakes with fresh blueberries or a bespoke omelette) had hardly ended when it was time for late-morning bouillon served from a silver urn in La Terrazza. And where to have lunch? Feather-light Italian cuisine on deck seven or grilled sole on four?

At afternoon tea, the waiter presented a leather-bound menu containing a selection of leaves displayed in tiny glass tea chests. Decisions, decisions! And Lady Bracknell herself couldn’t have faulted the tiered stands of Edwardian sandwiches and dainty cakes.

And then dinner. Tuxedo or smart casual? Lobster or fillet steak? Burgundy or Riesling?

On Silversea cruises, virtually everything is included so there are no prices on menus and no signing chits when you order a “Singapore Sling” from a waiter wearing Bermuda shorts and knee-length socks at sunset. And tipping, that bugbear of cruises, had also been eliminated as, according to Silversea: “All gratuities aboard ship are included in your cruise fare; none are expected.”

For those who simply love spending money, a selection of on board shops included a jewellers with a window display featuring a watch made of sapphires. The irredeemably decadent, who hadn’t quite been sated by the Roman empire feasting in the public dining rooms, could splurge on a bedside caviar menu which offered “Petrossian Beluga Royal” served with buckwheat blinis. And, presumably, a mother-of-pearl spoon given the cost: $500 (€357) for a 50g tin. As dear Pat Rabbitte would put it: “There’s nothing too good for the working man.”

The phone in the suite was equipped with a special touch-button facility to summon the butler. It was time to dispense with Irish Catholic guilt and summon Jeeves. If you’re a member of the People Before Profit Alliance or the Irish Socialist Workers Party then please look away now.

Bertie Wooster would have popped his monocle and collapsed into the arms of Gussie Fink-Nottle at how old Jeeves had changed. Anand Chandran had Bollywood good looks, a Colgate ring-of-confidence smile and was dressed to thrill by a Merchant Ivory costumier. He was available “around the world and around the clock” to “pamper you with countless luxuries and delightful surprises”.

He was on hand to “replenish the stock of complimentary Bvlgari toiletries, run you a scented bath, discuss your choice of goosedown, hypoallergenic, or therapeutic pillows, help you plan private in-suite cocktail parties, arrange your private fitness sessions, polish and condition your shoes or plan your excursions ashore”. So this is what it feels like to be a cabinet minister.

It was time to go up on deck for the captain’s sail away party and join in that most honourable of traditions – leaving Blighty afloat a sea of gin. The bar menu had no fewer than 15 types of Martini cocktail – including a “Velvet Cosmopolitan” made with “Mandarin Orange Vodka, Chambord and Cranberry”.

On the morning after, a shore excursion seemed like just the ticket. The ship had docked off Cornwall and faced a landscape of smugglers’ coves, fishing villages and verdant countryside made famous by Daphne du Maurier. Passengers were ferried ashore by tender and could either explore at leisure or join one of the paid excursions organised by the ship’s concierge service. For the really-hard-to-please, Silversea offers a separate tailor-made service, “silver shore privato”, which uses a “private car service” and allows passengers to create their own itinerary.

The little town of Fowey, a classically pretty English seaside resort – with tea shops and fudge sellers, ye-olde-pubbes and galleries selling marine-themed souvenirs – was still milling with end-of-season visitors. Posters advertised morris dancing. It’s the sort of place where you half expect to see Postman Pat delivering the Royal Mail and Noddy and Big Ears getting a ticket from PC Plod for parking on a double-yellow line. The harbour staff were welcoming and helpful and – one of the joys of a cruising holiday – there was no passport control or fuss.

Back on board, passengers settled down to enjoy the afternoon sun or drifted off for a nap. But it was time to leave the ship of dreams and return to dry land. There'd be no "Carry on across the Atlantic" for The Irish Times. A stiff upper lip was in order. As Jeeves once said to Bertie: "Foreign travel often liberates emotions best kept in check, sir." Indeed it does.

• Michael Parsons spent a night on the Silver Whispercourtesy of Thomas Cook

Comprehensive cruiseprogramme for 2011

THOMAS COOK has launched a new cruise programme for 2011 which claims to be “the most comprehensive cruise offering in Ireland”. The company is offering a choice of 42 cruises from seven cruise lines, including Silversea, next year to destinations worldwide.

The length of cruise can be as short as a four-day winter sunshine break in the Canary Islands to longer voyages to more exotic locations including the Galapagos Islands, the Caribbean, the Far East or Alaska.

Thomas Cook can also arrange “tailor-made” cruises to meet specific requirements.

The company said “ships range from three to six-star, from family-oriented vessels with ice rinks, climbing walls, surf riders, chill-out zones, Playstations, Wiis and basketball courts, and even Disney characters” to “ships aimed at honeymooners and couples wanting style and class with fantastic itineraries, champagne bars, sumptuous lounges and state-of-the-art spas”.

Some of the more “intimate ships” are designed to allow access to places normally off-limits “such as into St Petersburg or under the Tower Bridge, into Cannes at film festival time or to seek out polar bears in Norway”.

The company also offers a variety of “themed cruises” catering to specialist activities and interests including bridge, dance classes, wine appreciation and antiques or flora and fauna.

Using charter flights from Dublin to Palma and Malaga, Thomas Cook Cruises guarantees “a seamless connection to its cruise ships bound for the Spanish/Italian Mediterranean or western Mediterranean between May and October next year”.

Customers can opt for an “add-on” week at a nearby resort before or after the cruise. Guests travelling from outside of Dublin can avail of a special stay, fly and park deal at Bewleys Airport Hotel.

Cruises are also available with departure from Dublin to the Mediterranean or for worldwide destinations from Southampton.

The Thomas Cook Cruises brochure is available at travel agents or by calling Thomas Cook on 0818 200 101. Prices for a one-week cruise in the Mediterranean, including flights from Dublin, start from €999 per person sharing.