Giving short shrift to long trunks

IN TRANSIT:WHAT IS IT with German men and Speedos? While most of the rest of the world quietly disposed of their shiny nylon budgie smugglers (or banana hammocks or mankinis, if you prefer) in the 1980s, and never spoke of them again, our northern European cousins clung tightly to theirs with a passion they normally reserve for the music of David Hasselhoff.

Last week, when this reporter checked into an Italian seaside resort popular with German tourists, it was Speedo-city. Men of all ages and shapes strutted their stuff in swimming costumes which left tragically little to the imagination. Many of the men made things considerably worse by sporting mullets and, for added hilarity, 1970s porn star moustaches.

These tourists from the north wore their briefs on the beaches, they wore them on the promenades, they even wore them in restaurants for pity’s sake. As the more sensibly clad holiday makers among us averted our gazes, it was hard not to wonder what they were thinking. Could they really have been so oblivious to their paunches and the pubic hair which cheekily peeked out in all directions from their briefs or did they simply not care about self-respect and common decency?

Who knows? What is certain is that these people needed to be sat in front of a popular ad for ice cream in New Zealand which tackles the problem of when and where Speedo-style briefs can be worn. “How far away from the beach do togs become undies?” the ad asks. It concludes that, “if you can’t see the water you’re in underpants”.

The popularity of Speedo-style swimwear is a problem for Irish men on overseas holidays. Some resorts, public pools and spas in Europe have gone as far as to ban trunks, boardies and, incredibly, GAA shorts from their pools, insisting that briefs must be worn at all times. Anyone trying to sneak into the water wearing more soberly cut swimwear is ignominiously hauled out by barking pool attendants.

While we may have singled out the Germans; the French, Austrians, Dutch and Belgians are as bad. The authorities in these countries seem most anxious that their menfolk don the tightest fitting swimming briefs possible and they take a distinctly dim view of men who dare to cover their thighs. Signs which proclaim " slip de bain obligatoire, shorts interdits" (swimming briefs obligatory, shorts forbidden) are becoming increasingly common across Europe.

The reason for the boxer-ban is hygiene, apparently. The shorts worn in this country are considered just a bit too versatile and the fear is that they might end up being worn doing things other than swimming. Sweat or dust will then accumulate on the fabric and sully the chlorinated water.

Last week one poor unfortunate told us he was denied access to a pool on a French campsite because of his surfer shorts. With fairly bad grace he stropped back to his caravan and donned Daniel Craig emerging-from-the-surf style trunks. But they too were deemed unacceptable. Cue a stand-up row with the pool manager in a mixture of mangled French and English.

“I have the cleanest water in the region and you will not foul it with your long shorts,” the manager finally shouted and left our reader with no choice but to trudge off to the local shop and splash out €7 on the skimpiest of skimpy briefs.

Conversely, it was not hygiene but decency which was of concern to the Alton Towers theme park last summer when it announced it was banning Speedos and other tight-fitting swimming togs at its water park to “prevent embarrassment” and to “maintain the family-friendly atmosphere”.

“While women may hail the return of the skimpy bathers... ... the style itself is not deemed public or family-friendly, and so we are requesting that male swimmers wear more appropriate styles such as board shorts,” an Alton Towers spokeswoman said at the time.

It was not the first occasion on which Speedos have been hauled over the coals for being an affront to decency. The company was given its name in the 1920s by an Australian called Jim Parsons who won a competition organised by the Sydney-based MacRae Hosiery with his slogan, “Speed on in your Speedos”, but the swimwear went largely ignored until its nylon brief was unveiled in the early 1960s.

Almost immediately, there was an outcry. One of the first men to sport a pair of Speedos on Bondi Beach was arrested on suspicion of indecency. He was released without charge after it became clear that no pubic hair was on show – it might have been better for the world, or at least saved it a lot of mortification, if he’d been banged up for life for his crime.