When Orlando eyes are smiling

GO CITYBREAK:Glorious weather, fabulous hotels, paddle-board yoga and chocolate crafting. visits the ultimate in man-made holiday destinations where everything is served up with a smile . . . well, almost everything that is

I COULDN'T HELP but wonder what I was doing here in Orlando, on a Sex and the City-styled mini-break. More pertinently, I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing floating on an outsized surf-board directly into the back garden of some well-heeled Floridians who, I had only just noticed with some alarm, owned a large and cross-looking dog.

Arriving unannounced and uninvited in the garden of a lake-side house in one of the most affluent neighbourhoods in Orange County, a place where guns are widely available and personal privacy is taken very seriously, is a bad idea, but I haven’t a clue how to reverse the paddle-board on which I’m supposed to be touring the small lake in Orlando’s Winter Park.

The board is in control and, as I slowly nudge the jetty at the back of the garden and hope an instructor gets to me before the dog, I’ve time to get just a little mortified. Not, however, as mortified as I will be if I end up falling into the lake during the yoga class which starts as soon as I’m rescued.

Paddle-board yoga is pretty much as it sounds: yoga. On a board. In the middle of a lake.

There is little that concentrates the mind on a downward dog or warrior pose than the knowledge that any ever-so-slightly inelegant wobble will tip you into the water.

I don’t fall in – the instructors assure me people rarely do – and once the posing ends, our group paddles gently through some canals back to shore where we conclude the session with a shavasana – a quiet time when I get to lie on my back on my board, close my eyes and quietly congratulate myself for being so healthy and so zeitgeisty.

The sun warms my skin while the gentle water laps around my ears. It is super-relaxing. Then a speed boat powers past blaring bad hip hop and leaving large waves in its wake, causing me to flail about and tip the board over. Nice.

Fear, shame and hip hop aside, paddle-board yoga is great fun.

Not least because it’s one of the many surprising and hugely entertaining activities Orlando has to offer outside of the traditional theme parks.

It is the fourth most popular shopping destination in the US and has a lot that can’t be found in the world’s other big shopping centres – glorious weather all year round, fabulous hotels and outlet malls as far as the eye can see.

First up after the water yoga is wine in Winter Park, a district which is home to 28,000 extremely affluent folk.

Its main street, Park Avenue, has a handful of upmarket boutiques and restaurants. We ignore them and head for the Wine Room.

A brilliantly simple concept, you buy a smart card, top it up with cash and get instant access to more than 150 wine varieties which are dispensed through units scattered throughout the shop.

You choose the size and the price of your glasses – get sozzled on cheap and cheerful or sip wines that would ordinarily be well out of your price range. The choice is yours.

“SMILE, YOU’RE in Orlando”, “Orlando makes me smile”, “Orlando, land of smiles”. You can barely turn a corner in this city of make-believe without someone smiling at you or talking about smiles.

There are few smiles, however, in the Premium Outlet mall on International Drive. The place is filled with stores offering jaw-dropping value on clothes, accessories and sunglasses.

It is sprawling and complicated, and despite all the value on offer, everyone – the shoppers and the staff – is in bad form when I visit.

People with mountains of Crocs in their hands snarl at those they think are queue jumping (in fairness, I was) and staff in the food court look hot and hassled. It is a place where smiles go to die and a long, long way from the “happiest place on earth”, which is just a few short miles away on the sprawling piece of land that is Disney.

Our hotel, the Waldorf Astoria, is on Disney’s land. Its location makes Uncle Walt’s vision, which has now grown to the size of greater Manchester, impossible to ignore. There are no theme park visits planned, but there is a visit to Downtown Disney.

Now, downtown sounds fun and I imagine we will get to see the seamier side of the happiest place on earth, where princes fight on the streets and bedraggled princesses scream, “Leave him, Charming, he’s not worth it”, as the witching hour approaches.

Its not like that at all. Instead Downtown Disney is the most artificial place on earth. At the entrance there is an Irish pub – the Raglan Road – a chipper called Cookes of Dublin and the Shop for Ireland.

I resist the urge to stock up on Aran jumpers, bodhrans or Irish crystal decanters and instead go for dinner in the Portabello Trattoria only to be served by the most annoying person to have worked in a restaurant. Ever. No superlative is too OTT. She asks about our wellbeing with deeply-loaded questions such as, “Are you having an incredible time in our restaurant?” and “Is your appetizer spectacular?”

THANKFULLY, the next day’s chocolate-making experience at Farris Foster’s Fine Chocolates had quite the opposite affect. It is hilarious. Our own Willie Wonka, his wife and their staff are uniformly adorable. While he explains the dos and don’ts of his world and instructs us how to make the most of the pound of chocolate we have to play with, his wife mimes various actions to his words.

We are shown how to make beautiful chocolates. But I am a bad student and my first effort is a disaster. I’m trying to make a slender Cinderella using a mould but lose control of the chocolate flow and end up with an ugly sister – a very large and lumpy ugly sister with cauliflower ears.

The staff gamely try a “good job”, but it is not a good job. Over the course of the next hour, Gloria Gaynor, the Village People and Sister Sledge are the soundtrack. It is great fun. And we leave with a mountain of chocolate, so what’s not to love about that?

From there, it is on to the real downtown. It’s a Saturday night and downtown Orlando is hopping. All the cool kids are drinking in the One80 Grey Goose lounge on top of the Amway Center.

It might be a hip place, but it is also a sad one where pneumatic women and overly-groomed men eye each other over fancy cocktails. It is like a 1950s Irish ballroom of romance – with the romance removed. Everyone looks so cool, unhappy and hungry, that frankly, after a single drink, I want to go home.

To wash away the scent of desperation, the next morning we visit Discovery Cove to swim with dolphins and go snorkelling with 10,000 tropical fish. The cove is artificial (isn’t everything here?), but it is also brilliant and no expense has been spared creating a new reality. In this bit of tropical rainforest in the middle of a swamp we swim with dolphins.

As we wave them goodbye, it is hard not to think of Discovery Cove as a microcosm of the Floridian dream – fake, fabulous, fun and absolutely full of smiles.

- Conor Pope travelled to Orlando as a guest of Orlando/Orange County Convention Visitors Bureau

Get there

Aer Lingus (aerlingus.com) flies to Orlando via New York. Britsh Airways (ba.com) and Virgin Atlantic (virgin-atlantic.com) have direct flights from London’s Gatwick Airport.

Orlando where to . . .

Stay

- Waldorf-Astoria, Bonnet Creek Resort Lane, 00-1-407-597-5500, waldorfastoriaorlando.com.

The hotel is only two years old but has become one of the best places to stay in Orlando. Downstairs it’s all glitz, with marble floors and art-deco touches. Doubles from $246 (€184).

- Grand Bohemian Hotel,

325 South Orange Avenue, 00-1-407-313-9000, grandbohemianhotel.com. Boutique hotel in downtown Orlando and has the edge when it comes to hipness. Doubles from $189 (€141).

- There are also hundreds of low-rise, low-rent motels where rooms can be had from $21 (€16) a night, although some of the cheapest ones look terrifying and the type of places that rent by the hour rather than the fortnight.

Eat

- The Bull and Bear restaurant, the Waldorf Astoria 00-1-407-597-5500, waldorfastoriaorlando.com. This is a destination restaurant in its own right. Originally a very good steak house, it has expanded its menu to include a range of new –and somewhat unusual – seafood dishes including a prawn and grits dish served in a cloud of smoke under a glass dome and a caviar and corn chowder topped with a cheese sandwich. The chocolate and vodka brownie is legendary.

- Pannullo’s Italian Restaurant, 216 South Park Avenue, Winter Park, 00-1-407-629-7270, pannullos.com. This has been a favourite of Winter Park locals for 15 years and serves Italian cuisine with a creative flair. Be warned though, the portions are massive.

- Seasons 52, 7700 Sand Lake Road, Orlando, 00-1-407-354-5212, seasons52.com. For terrific-tasting meals that are seasonal and sensational and still completely satisfying. Nothing on the menus is more than 475 calories – although you wouldn’t think it by the taste of the food.

- K Restaurant, 1710 Edgewater Drive, Orlando, 00-1-407-872-2332, kwinebar.com. This is an upscale joint featuring eclectic American cuisine. The fried green tomatoes and the fillet steak in particular are worth ordering.

Go

- Paddleboard Orlando, 00-1-407-782-5080, paddleboardorlando.com. Offering a programme that combines yoga and paddle-boarding. Drop-in classes are available for $25 (€18.60).

- The Wine Room, 270 Park Avenue South, 00-1-407-696-9463, thewineroomonline.com. A combination of wine store, wine bar and deli.

- Enzian Art House cinema, 1300 South Orlando Avenue, 00-1-407-629-1088, enzian.org. Set in a leafy garden, it holds just over 200 people, has a full restaurant and an outdoor bar.

- The Premium Outlet mall is the largest outlet in the southeast and features 175 stores with brands such as Banana Republic, Neiman Marcus, Victoria’s Secret and Hugo Boss. The Mall at Millenia is more upmarket and includes Bloomingdale’s, Macy’s, Chanel, Gucci, and Tiffany and Co.