Afternoon tea at the London hotel is expensive, but it's a tradition worth experiencing, writes Fiona McCann
WHEN ONE DINES at the Ritz, appropriate attire is simply a must. At least, so my gentleman companion found out when, after swishing gleefully past the London hotel's white-gloved doorman to the opulent tea room, he was requested to keep his oilskin jacket on as we were shown to our seats by an impeccably turned-out host with a suitably frosty demeanour.
While all about us was elegance and grace, my unfortunate companion sat in a bulky all-weather jacket more suitable for tramping over windswept moors than for sipping tea in a swanky cafe. That'll learn him for coming to the legendary Ritz without the right gear, I thought, having luckily passed muster myself. (Ladies at the Ritz have it easy, it seems.) Afternoon tea at the Ritz, you see, is an English institution, and institutions are not to be trifled with.
Tea - which, to satisfy demand, has five sittings these days, the earliest at the controversial pre-noon time of 11.30am - is served in the Palm Court, a sumptuous beaux-arts winter garden of chandeliers and palm fronds, under an ornate ceiling that competes with the dainty table settings for your attention.
The timely arrival of a penguin-suited waiter will bring your wandering gaze back to earth, if only to take in the staggering choice of teas on offer.
Darjeeling First Flush apparently produces "a wonderful light liquor with a delicate flavour of green muscatel". Assam Leaf (Tippy Orthodox) is more of a "golden tippy leaf, yielding a rich aroma and strong, rounded malty flavour".
From other strong contenders, among them Russian Caravan, Lapsang Souchong Imperiale, Chun Mee and Rouse Congou, we chose the predictable Ritz Royal English, which arrived in elegant individual silver pots with the accompaniment of a delicate strainer, to be set, in case you didn't know, on its own little strainer rest.
With cocked fingers and studied pretension, we sipped from porcelain cups to the accompaniment of the resident pianist, who was churning out a little too much Celine Dion to be entirely in tune with the surroundings. But it's afternoon tea at the Ritz, and it has been on the go for more than 100 years, so who are we blow-ins to quibble with a show tune or two? After all, everything here is part of the performance, the waiters stoney-faced as they glide around the room while the tea drinkers, most of them tourists, surreptitiously take photographs with their phones.
A three-tiered cakestand arrives with a heel click and flourish. Its bottom layer holds wafer-thin crustless sandwiches reminiscent of the morning-room offerings in an Oscar Wilde play. The legendary cucumber version is included, snug alongside the more workaday ham-and-cheese and egg-mayonnaise options.
Although such delicacies are unlikely to fill those more used to egg and chips for tea, it's worth saving room for my favourite, tier number two, consisting of sumptuous home-made scones that arrive warm and fresh, to be lavished with Devonshire clotted cream and strawberry jam - oops, I mean preserve.
Topping the cake stand are the pastries, miniature wonders of sugared delight, guaranteed to add to the hips of the kind of portly dowagers one imagines used to spend entire afternoons at this kind of thing. And although everything on display is delicately bite-size, it's surprising how filling a few cucumber sandwiches and a mini custard slice can be.
The entire decadent experience - which, incidentally, is incomplete without a trip to the spacious powder room, as the ladies' toilets are euphemistically termed - is so popular that you need to reserve your spot at least a month in advance.
Nor does it come cheap: old traditions are rare enough in bustling, modern London, and at this hotel one is charged kindly for them. Just under €50 each, to be precise. But who's going to quibble? One is dining at the Ritz, sweetie; one must be made of money.
www.theritzlondon.com/tea
Where to stop for afternoon tea if you're in . . .
1 Dublin.Served between 3pm and 6pm on the Garden Terrace, with heating on hand if necessary, the Merrion Hotel's take on this Victorian tradition includes scones, cream, finger sandwiches and Viennese bridge rolls. €32 or, for the champagne version, €49.50. Upper Merrion Street, 01-6030600, www.merrion hotel.com/terraceteamenu.asp.
2 Paris.Some have the audacity to suggest that the French invented afternoon tea, and, with all the delightful salons de thé in Paris, Salon de Thé Angélina still stands out. The hot chocolate is worth a whole tier of fresh scones. 226 Rue de Rivoli, 00-33-1-42608200.
3 New York.The Yanks may refer to it as high tea, but, whatever it's called, the five-course affair served at Lady Mendl's Tea Salon, at the Inn at Irving Place, is elegant, old-school gluttony in the New World. With 3pm and 5pm seatings from Monday to Friday, this is a tea-lovers' delight, given the dollar's doldrums, at $35 (€20). Irving Place, 00-1-212-5334600, www.innatirving.com/dining- lady.asp.
4 Buenos Aires.Argentina takes great pride in the European roots of so many of its inhabitants, and the national penchant for harking back to the far-away continent is evident in the tradition of afternoon tea at the Alvear. White-gloved waiters have been pouring from porcelain pots here for more than 70 years, with sandwiches, pastries, cakes and a speciality blend. This is a snip at 75 Argentine pesos (€14.80). 1891 Avenida Alvear, 00-54-11-48082100, www.alvearpalace.com.
5 Cape Town.The Mount Nelson Hotel, at the foot of Table Mountain, puts on a sumptuous spread, with mini Battenburgs, chocolate truffles and home-made fudges adding to the mix - and the waistline. Served daily from 2.30pm to 5.30pm, this is the ultimate afternoon-tea bargain, at 140 South African Rand (€11.30). Orange Street, 00-27-21-483 1000, www.mountnelson. co.za/web/ocap/afternoon_tea.jsp.