What a man's gotta do

SHANE HEGARTYis 'In Transit'

THE PASS:This is something single men don't need to apply for, but married men know it has to be put in for months before any trip, giving full reasons for the nature of the trip, length of stay and just how important it is that you get that winter golf training in Portugal.

The pass is sometimes based on a points system, awarded for amount of trips given to the other half, time spent with children, just how many golf trips you’ve been on in the past year, birthday presents, Christmas presents, unsolicited hoovering. Once you’ve used your pass, though, it may take some time to build up credit again. Abuse of the pass may also see it revoked permanently. You don’t want this to happen. Your mates do want this, though, because it’ll give them great mileage.

PICK YOUR DESTINATION CAREFULLY: Cardiff for the rugby is definitely one place that's balanced towards a boys' weekend; it's not exactly considered the Paris of the west. Paris, though, is. And every two years, the International Rugby Board sees fit to send Ireland there on the St Valentine's Day weekend, causing a moral and marital crisis for many. As a rule, don't pick somewhere your other half would like to go, like a stag in, say, Venice.

PICK SOMETHING GENDER APPROPRIATE

Rally driving weekend in Wicklow; yes. Spa treatment and pedicure in Monart; no.

NO IRISH BARS

When in Rome – or Milan or Minsk – there’s nothing worse than leaving the hotel and heading straight for Flannery O’Leprechaun’s or whatever local shipped-in-by-crate Irish bar you spotted from the taxi. When you’re in an Irish chipper, you don’t see Italians queuing up for a taste of home, do you? Which brings us to . . .

FOOD

Keep it simple. Any large group that travels away together must at some point face that awful moment when it is time to make dinner plans but a consensus can’t be reached on where to go. There will always be one person who has no interest in that interesting Thai/Italian/Indian/Mongolian all-you-can-eat barbecue. The result is two hours of wandering before you end up somewhere you don’t want to be eating vegetarian kebabs because it was the only thing that would satisfy one person out of 12. For men, the answer is simple: steaks. It makes everything very straightforward, whether it’s calculating the bill or deciding if the next day’s sense of rottenness is the hangover or actually food poisoning.

MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

However, it always helps if at least one person in the group can understand and speak the language of the country being visited. Otherwise the only attempt will be “Dos beeros, s’il vous plait” and some cultural incident at 3am. It’s especially useful when ordering those steaks. If you don’t know the French for well done, the steak will be so bloody that from an Irish perspective they might as well have walked a live cow to your table and handed you a knife and fork. As a general rule though, it helps set you above the usual stag-goers or sports fans if, in a nightclub, you can actually talk to someone in their own language. Sure, you might be a little garbled or unsure. You may mean to say, “you have a beautiful city” but actually be saying “my hair’s a bit gritty”, but they’ll appreciate it all the same.

DON’T TRAVEL IN PACKS

The larger the group, the more conspicuous you are. On Friday nights in Dublin, you can still see the newly arrived English stag groups, who no matter how miserable the weather will be jacket-free and obvious. How they get into bars or clubs is something of a mystery because there's nothing a doorman will clock quicker than a large group of men descending en masse. It'll lead to questions and queues and trouble. It's best to go in dribs and drabs. Send an advanced squad, then infiltrate the club by stealth. Think of your military training. Or, alternatively, try and remember what they did on the Band of Brothersbox set.

NO T-SHIRTS

Even if it’s a stag, it is not the Irish way to go in a uniform, with nicknames or some horrible double entendre emblazoned on the front. That rule goes for hats, silly trousers, animal costumes and kilts. Sporting events offer an exception: for example, if you go to Moscow for the Russia versus Ireland Euro 2012 qualifier, your chances of being picked up by the television cameras will be immeasurably improved if 10 of you are dressed as leprechauns, Elvises or Bolshoi ballerinas.

DON’T CALL IT A MANCATION

It’s a ridiculous phrase. Guyiday is much better.