Enda escapes mob to become accountants' massaged figure

DÁIL SKETCH:The Taoiseach loves a challenge. Except when it comes to television debates, writes MIRIAM LORD

ENDA IS far too busy tinkering under the national bonnet to be sidetracked into a television studio. Despite the best efforts of Micheál Martin, Gerry Adams and Richard Boyd Barrett yesterday morning, the Taoiseach refused to be lured into the open for a leaders’ debate.

After the ructions in the Dáil, he dashed away to luxuriate in the warm embrace of a roomful of besotted accountants. They like to massage the figures invited along to their monthly luncheons, so Enda was in no danger of coming under enemy fire.

They gave him a fancy pen in a box for turning up. The Taoiseach was chuffed, even if he seemed to be under the impression he was talking to a roomful of mechanics. He told the members of the Leinster Society of Chartered Accountants that we need “thousands of engines to drive the economy” and the fiscal treaty was “an essential part of the toolbox”.

His audience was delighted to see him. But then, they wouldn’t be counted among the “dustbin banging brigade” he mentioned earlier in the Dáil. God no.

“I am happy to say that Chartered Accountants Ireland is supporting a Yes vote,” Frank Gannon, chairman of the Leinster branch, told the Taoiseach in a bombshell announcement.

It was a candlelit luncheon for the 300 or so number-crunchers. And in the flickering light, it was comforting to see that the white-collared business shirt hasn’t gone away, you know.

A far cry from the baying mob back in Leinster House and their impertinent demands.

A large press platoon detached from the mother ship in Kildare Street and marched on the Shelbourne Hotel, determined to get a straight answer from the Taoiseach on the issue of a leaders’ debate.

But his people insisted he would not be answering any questions, on anything.

The journalists lined up on both sides of the red carpet on the steps outside. Enda, twinkling at passersby in the sunshine, barrelled around the corner from Government Buildings.

Microphones and notebooks were readied. The Taoiseach’s handlers stiffened. The reporters shouted questions, but Enda was bundled up the steps like a defendant going into the Bridewell. All that was missing was the hoodie over his head.

The accountants in the ballroom gave him a rousing reception. KPMG, Mazars, Deloitte Touche, Ernst Young, PwC, Horwath Bastow Charleton and a multitude of banks. A veritable dustbin basher’s paradise, if only they had known.

“I think it’s fair to say the Taoiseach enjoys a good challenge, and he has a good record too,” said accountant Frank, resplendent in his chartered chain of office, during a gushing build-up.

Enda loves the aul challenges, right enough. Except when it comes to television debates.

But he isn’t scared of them. He made that clear in the Dáil to Micheál and the rest. But why should he give the likes of Gerry Adams an opportunity to raise his party’s profile? “Were I to cave in to the pressure that was around for some days, I would be elevating Deputy Adams to the title of leader of the Opposition,” he declared.

“You started this,” roared Pádraig Mac Lochlainn, referring to the Taoiseach’s recent comment that Adams was the leader of the No campaign.

The Fianna Fáil leader, who stands with Enda in the Yes camp, wanted him to take part in a “genuine political debate” to show they have confidence in their position.

Enda insisted he was getting his message across by meeting the people in “village halls and town halls and on the streets”.

“Aaah, you’re afraid. The fear! The fear!” sneered Richard Boyd Barrett. Adams, who thinks he’s quite the card, cracked a joke. “Why don’t you send Jedward to represent us – they at least might stand up for Ireland’s interests.”

“Nul points!” retorted FG backbencher Patrick O’Donovan.

The Taoiseach pointed out that he would speak to the nation in a televised address on Sunday evening, in the interests of balance, as the Sinn Féin leader’s conference speech will be broadcast on Saturday night.

“Good luck to you at your ardfheis and good luck to Jedward,” he chortled, setting off a string of Eurovision gags from giddy backbenchers.

Boyd Barrett joined the chorus, before launching into a high-decibel attack on the European Stability Mechanism, saying it would lead to us having to bailout the Spanish banks.

Proceedings got very noisy: Richard roared and Enda adopted his favourite “I’m a little teapot” stance – hand on hip and other one waving a copy of the treaty.

In the middle of the uproar, Fine Gael’s Ray Butler decided to make a telling intervention. “The Russian grannies,” he yelled.

There was a perplexed silence, then everyone fell around the place. Enda escaped to the accountants, and thence to Brussels.

We can only hope he mastered the proper pronunciation of “François” by the time he got to the informal dinner with the EU leaders, otherwise he’ll have been addressing the French president by the female form of his name.

It can easily happen, as Edna knows all too well.