Miriam Lord's week

ENDA KENNY has apologised to the Fine Gael front bench for his recent poor performances in the media, promising them he will do better in the future.

Political leaders rarely do humility. It occasionally comes in handy when a public show of contrition is required. Bertie, for example, was a master at it.

But in private amongst the troops? Almost never, and then only in the most extreme circumstances.

So you can imagine the sense of surprise among the FG officer corps on Tuesday when their party leader opened their regular weekly meeting by ignoring the first item on the agenda and replacing it with one of his own – a personal apology to them for making a right mess of two media appearances in the previous fortnight. No apology had been requested nor expected.

The Fine Gael leader was stung by the welter of criticism that followed his rather unsettling appearance on the Late Late Show and then his inept response to a routine question on Newstalk.

These uninspiring displays gave rise to some unfavourable comment in the media and also became a topic of quiet discussion among deputy Kenny’s colleagues over the past week or so.

Inda must be feeling the heat. He is to meet all FG TDs and Senators on a one-to-one basis over the coming weeks – this was arranged months ago, say party sources – and sent them a note to that effect on Thursday. Will they be treated to a similar display of breast-beating from the boss?

Renewed signs of life in Fianna Fáil – the patient may not yet be sitting up in bed but a slow improvement in the opinion polls is encouraging – has made them jumpy in Fine Gael. Enda may be unassailable at the moment, but it doesn’t stop people talking.

Their leader’s apology was accepted immediately by his startled front bench. He told them he was unhappy with the Late Late appearance, shouldn’t have dropped the ball on the water charges issue and intended to learn from the experience.

“It would be true to say that some of us were surprised to hear Enda come out with this apology,” said a front bencher. “He’s had a couple of car crash incidents, but I suppose these things can happen to anyone. We’ve all blown up during an interview at one time or another. But to start by apologising to us and draw attention to himself like that ? I dunno. Is it the sort of thing a leader should be doing?” It may sound to normal people like the grown-up thing to do. But we’re talking politics here.

Meanwhile, still with the FG front bench, one member put forward a very unusual proposal at a recent meeting. He proposed that the party leak a particular document, which runs contrary to the hugger-mugger nature of such enterprises. Wonder what the document was and if the proposal (shot down) made it into the minutes.

Cowen gets rival FF TDs to make up

Misery upon misery for the citizens of Cork. First, flooded with water and yesterday, flooded by politicians.

The Oireachtas environment committee pitched up to view the water damage, minus a miffed James Bannon who felt they should also have factored in a tour of the midlands, where just as much devastation occurred.

Brian Cowen was due yesterday morning, but events up North detained him. Before his visit, an edict issued from Fianna Fáil informing journalists he would only answer questions “related to his visit to Cork.” He’s only Taoiseach of the entire country when it suits.

Happily, the local media in Cork had no intention of complying with such a ridiculous instruction and Biffo, heading them off at the pass, announced: “I’ve no problem answering any other questions.” Happily for Brian Cowen, it was a day of twin triumphs, when his good result in the North was followed by similar success in the South.

The DUP and Sinn Féin are only in the ha’penny place when it comes to bringing together Ned O’Keeffe and Michael Ahern. For many years in Cork East, there has been talk of building a peace line between the two rival FF deppities.

Yesterday afternoon, the Taoiseach managed to bring both men together in Ahern’s heartland of Carrigtwohill. This might be because Neddo is in great form having just been appointed Chairman of the Oireachtas Joint Administration Committee. (Something to do with paper clips and parking spaces.) This means his rehabilitation is complete.

It would have been too much to ask for the photographers to get a picture of the two TDs shaking hands (Neddo once famously dubbed his constituency colleague Mr Wishy-Washy).

But then they couldn’t get a snap of Peter Robinson and Martin McGuinness shaking hands yesterday either.

Cork Mayor makes waves with typo

The Taoiseach was guest of honour at the Cork Chamber of Commerce annual dinner last night. Daragh Murphy, the Fine Gael Mayor of the city, was also an honoured guest. In keeping with protocol, the mayor did not address the function as Cowen was the main speaker. However, the mayor didn’t want Biffo to leave without letting him know that the city is in dire need of assistance following the recent floods.

“I will be giving the following observation in letter format instead of a speech when he visits my office before dinner,” explained Cork’s first citizen in a draft document. The text of the letter follows, and it is, indeed, a powerful argument for special treatment for Deh Real Capital.

“It is not even a call for an exception to be made, although if funds are limited then start with the largest urban centre to confer the greatest benefit to the greatest number of people,” he says.

He continues: “If you require precedent, I recall your predecessor solving the flood problem in North Dublin. The image of the man – the willies and the flood, is one few will forget.” Well, you can say that again. Just as well Bertie was wearing a long coat in the photograph we saw.

Let us hope the mayor corrected the typos before he handed his letter to the Taoiseach. Although you can say one thing for Biffo – he enjoys a good laugh.

Visit for home Bird as Lee waits in wings

Fine Gael is still getting great mileage out of George Lee, who is doing his bit on the public relations circuit for his grateful party. But even though he is proving to be a big box office hit around the country whenever he graces a platform, George must be itching to get out of showbiz and into serious politics.

If this goes on much longer, he might start suffering from Charlie Bird syndrome and begin pining for a return to RTÉ.

Good news for Charlie, by the way. The Taoiseach announced in the Dáil during the week that he is travelling to the US for St Patrick’s Day and while the expected invite has yet to arrive from Barack and Michelle, he will definitely be visiting Washington.

What better way for our beleaguered Taoiseach to go from zero to hero than to carry out a mercy mission while he’s there, one guaranteed to have a relieved nation weeping into its Kleenex?

Biffo could mount a daring rescue of Charlie and bring him home on the Government jet. His press secretary has Army experience – Eoghan could draw up the plan and organise a media blackout and everything.

But back to George Lee, still toiling away in the background when not out pressing the flesh with his adoring fans.

That great sage – and most underestimated brain in Cabinet – Willie O’Dea, made the following observation about George in his soaraway Sindo column last week: “I suppose George is Fine Gael’s bidet. None of them know precisely how to use him, but they feel he adds a bit of class.”

Greens climbing up the greasy ladder

We last reported on Martin Hogan last May, when he was a Green candidate in the local elections and injured himself putting up posters. Breaking his right elbow, left ankle and left wasn’t his only setback: he also failed to get elected in Dublin’s South West Inner City.

On a happier note, we hear Martin has just been appointed to the board of Fás, where he will find lots of courses that can teach him how not to fall off a ladder.

Putting the brakes on ministerial cars

What now for the two Green Ministers, both of whom have a Toyota Prius as their ministerial car? The best built cars in the world for the best built Coalition in the world? Is this why they have problems when it comes to putting the brakes on in Government? Just a thought.

The Green Party certainly wasn’t flavour of the month down in Clonmel at the coursing. Mick Bailey of tribunal fame – he’s also master of the Ward Union Hunt – was telling all and sundry that he’ll never vote for Fianna Fáil again if the stag hunting Bill goes through. Not only that, but he reckons his extended family would account for about 250 FF votes. Although in the current climate, we reckon FF won’t be kicking up a fuss about losing the controversial Bailey, although they might miss his generosity.

Will the real Bertie please stand ‘Up’?

Can anybody help? We received two photographs via e-mail this week from a confused reader, who cannot tell which elderly man wearing dark glasses is the real Bertie Ahern. We think the one on the right is 78-year-old balloon salesman Carl Fredricksen, star of the wonderful movie Up. And we think the one on the left is 58-year-old former balloon salesman Bertie Ahern.

Wait. No. The one on the right is . . . Oh, we give up.