Miriam Lord's Week

Should Dan cash in on celebrity ties? Cowen channels the spirit of O’Connell; poster wars in Limerick; No simple farm girl our Nessa; delish dishes with Des and De Rossa; Green Party’s Robbins follows his constituency to Edinburgh; opportunities at RTÉ

RECENT OPINION poll figures have not been good for Senator Dan Boyle, who is contesting the European election in Ireland South for the Greens.

Perhaps he should consider exploiting his celebrity connection. Dan, who used to sing in a punk band and recently penned an entry – unsuccessfully – for the Greenvision Song Contest, is a first cousin of British singing sensation Susan Boyle.

The Boyle brothers grew up in Donegal. One of them, Susan’s father, moved to Scotland, and the other, Dan’s father, went to America, married a Cork woman and returned to live in the city.

Picture the scene: A music-hall, somewhere in Cork. Scores of hopefuls have turned up for the Have Politician’s Got Talent? audition. A sneering impresario sits behind a desk. The chairman of the Green Party shuffles nervously onstage, clutching a manifesto.

– Hello, my love. And what’s your name?

– Dana Rosemary Boyle.

– And what is your ambition, Dana?

– I want to become an MEP and be famous, like my idol, Pat Cox. (The audience falls around the place laughing.)

– And what are you going to sing for us tonight, my lovely?”

– I Dreamed a Dream, from Les Misérables.” (Audience members are carried out.)

Then Dan sings of his dream to go to the European Parliament. Hearts melt and the rest is history...

He gets a complete makeover for his new election poster. People are puzzled. They don’t recognise him anymore. Except, that is, for some of his Green Party colleagues, who still gleefully marvel at how both Dan and his cousin Susan share the same winsome good looks.

Barnstorming Biffo

On Monday, Taoiseach Brian Cowen rounded off a whistle-stop tour of North Kerry, Clare and Limerick with a meeting in the town of Kilmallock, in the heart of the Golden Vale.

It had been a busy day, with Biffo doing his best to rally the troops ahead of next month’s elections.

A large and representative gathering of Fianna Fáil’s great and good in Limerick West turned out to greet their leader. He didn’t disappoint, with a barnstorming performance that brought the crowd to its feet.

The venue may have had something to do with Biffo’s stirring address, which had some of his audience inviting comparison with Daniel O’Connell.

As he got out of his car, the Taoiseach looked up at the rather dilapidated building to discover he would be speaking in “The Hall of the People”. An adviser whispered on the way in: “Not to be confused with The Great Hall of the People,” invoking memories of Cowen’s visit to China.

Monday’s venue was a little less opulent – with a faded 1950s decor that made the Ballroom of Romance look like Las Vegas. But not in the eyes of Biffo, who went down a bomb as he waxed lyrical about how the hall reminded him of the time he met Chinese premier Wen Jiabao.

It’s a long way from Beijing to Kilmallock, but a gig’s a gig.

Dirty tricks on Ennis Road

Poster war has broken out in Limerick city, with two Northside councillors claiming that a Fianna Fáil rival cut down their posters and substituted his own.

Cllrs Kevin Kiely (FG) and John Ryan (Lab) have accused first-time candidate Joe Crowley of indulging in dirty tricks on the Ennis Road.

There was high drama when Kiely, acting on a tip-off from a member of the public, raced to the scene to find one of his posters on the ground and FF candidate Crowley and a helper beside it.

“I caught them red-handed,” Kiely told the Limerick Leader, adding that about 40 of his posters are missing. “I’m very disappointed at this gutter politics.” Not to be outdone, Ryan said “a good few” of his posters are gone too.

Newcomer Crowley insists the matter is a “complete misunderstanding” and his election worker was only “moving” the other posters. The incident happened when he was out canvassing with MEP, Brian Crowley.

“I said to Brian, ‘It would be nice to have my posters near your posters’.” Upon hearing this, his helper cut down a Labour and Fine Gael poster so he could slide Joe’s one up beside Brian Crowley.

“Thankfully, I was there,” said young Joe. “I told him: ‘You can’t do that’.” But the Kiely-Ryan coalition are not convinced, despite receiving an apology. There has been talk of a Garda complaint. Happily, the pair rose above their distress long enough to have their photo taken, looking suitably glum, for the front page.

Shortt rises above it all

But does anybody care about these boring posters anyway?

The other Labour candidate on Limerick’s northside is teacher Tom Shortt, who is making an effort to rise about petty poster squabbles.

“I want to bring a bit of youth culture into this campaign and relieve the boredom of endless mugshots littering the landscape of our historic Treaty City,” he tells us. To this end, Tom, has commissioned six young graffiti artists to paint large posters for his campaign. Tom’s younger brother, comedian Pat Shortt, will be giving him a hand to put up the Banksy-style creations, starting at Limerick City Skatepark on Steamboat Quay at midday today.

Pat’s alter egos, councillors Maurice Hickey and Willie Power, have being giving the candidate the benefit of their vast experience at grassroot level.

“Daz righ-it,” confirms Power. “I can drive a schtake on a roundabout as good as any man in this election. Those arty posters will be so well dug-in, even the most devious political looder won’t be able to shift ’em.”

Think globally, speak locally

Page 13 of the Greens’ European election manifesto says: “Irish Green MEPs will work to protect vulnerable minority languages as well as promote intercultural communication through supporting Esperanto.”

Asked on Thursday if this meant introducing Esperanto into Irish schools, party leader John Gormley said: “I think it’s fair to say that English has actually become the lingua franca now of Europe.” He added how it has often struck him that it is easier to get business done at European Council ministerial meetings when there are side discussions, without interpreters, and everyone speaks English.

As for the Esperanto pledge in their manifesto, John says “it isn’t intended here for Ireland, this is simply a way of reducing costs in the long run.”

When Gormley was lord mayor of Dublin in 1994-95, he chose a motto in Esperanto for his coat of arms. The Gormley coat of arms is on display in the Oak Room of the Mansion House.

It features three little birdies (spookily foretelling the Green Party’s obsession with tweeting on Twitter) on an azure field with a sunflower and nuts on top. The motto reads: Pensu Terglobe Agu Loke. (Think Globally, Act Locally.)

Ness’ she says the better

Nessa Childers, Labour Party candidate for Ireland East, sent the phones into meltdown on local radio in Kilkenny on Thursday, when she took part in a round-table debate with her fellow European hopefuls. Nessa displayed a less-than-impressive knowledge of matters agricultural when the talk turned to farming.

“I would be quite honest and say I don’t have a huge knowledge about agriculture. I am not an MEP and one of the things that happens is that incumbents have more knowledge about agriculture. The Labour Party spokesman on agriculture, Seán Sherlock, is recognised as a very good spokesman on agriculture.” KCLR presenter Sue Nunn, pointed out that Seán isn’t the one running for Europe. Undaunted, Nessa pressed on, ignoring the clunk of jaws hitting the desk around her.

“Farmers are workers too. There are a huge amount of jobs in Irish agriculture, and rural communities need to be supported. On a personal basis, it isn’t that I have not found out about agriculture but there are large numbers of others in Leinster and Carlow/Kilkenny that need representation . . .”

And so on. A listener rang in to ask where she stands on live exports of cattle from Ireland – a very big issue for the Greens.

Nessa paused, for what seemed like an eternity, and eventually managed to struggle out: “Live exports of cattle from Ireland? I’m not quite sure what that question is about.”

Mercifully, the presenter cut to a break. One gobsmacked candidate was heard to remark afterwards: “Maybe she can provide karma for the cows before they are exported, or when they arrive.”

Hottest ticket in town

It’s the hottest lefty ticket in town. The socialist highlight of the week. Be there, or be Left out.

Yes, it’s “Dinner with a Difference – a Dinner with De Rossa” and it’s happening tonight in the lovely Blackrock home of former MEP and Siptu boss Des Geraghty and his partner Róisín Callander.

“Help boost Proinsias De Rossa’s European election campaign by enjoying a wide variety of delicious dishes from all over the world, cooked by some talented celebrity chefs,” goes the invitation. The “celebrities” include Proinsias himself, Des and Róisín, Labour party leader Eamon Gilmore, Ictu economist Paul Sweeney and Ictu president David Begg.

“Starters will be mainly Mediterranean with some Eastern and Asian. Mains will include Franco-German, Greek-Italian, Russian-Hungarian, Turkish-Palestinian, pure Irish and, of course, Britain’s favourite food, curries. Dessert will be mixed Euro and Asian. Wines: Mainly French, good Bordeaux, some Alsace.”

With one current and one former MEP in the kitchen, you’d expect the wine to be fairly decent and the menu to be extensive.

“Admission for diners dying to dine for De Rossa is €50 for several drinks, live music, food and great company.”

It gets worse: “Pre-booking is essential – hurry, if you want a choice of tables.”

A list of tick-box options is then presented under the heading “Prejudices and Preferences.” They include “Vegetable, Lasagne, Rabbitte or Gilmore.” This being a Labour Party do, there is, of course, an option for the stingy: “Admission for others wishing to Drop in and Drink for De Rossa is €20.”

If the weather turns nice, dinner will be mainly al fresco. Great traditional music is also promised. Host Des is a flute player and singer of note.

Canvassing in Edinburgh

The smart candidates in Dublin South will not be knocking on doors this afternoon, given that constituency’s fondness for the oval ball.

Dave Robbins, Green Party candidate for the ward of Pembroke-Rathmines, is deserting his post for the weekend to make the trip to Edinburgh for Leinster’s Heineken Cup final match against Leicester.

Journalist Dave intends to hand out leaflets adorned with a photo of himself in a Leinster jersey and details of his mediocre rugby career. (Highlights: two tries in a 30-year career; captain of Bective 3rd Bs). “A lot of my constituents are over for the match, so I thought: if you can’t canvass them, join them. I’ve been a Leinster fan for years, and now I can see the match and do some election work too,” he said.

It’s a gamble for Dave, who is also a cricket fan. He might be on a sticky wicket if things go wrong for Leinster, and fans have to return home after a night weeping into their Heino with a hangover and a photo of a smiling politician to remind them of their anguish.

Meanwhile, “avid” rugby fan and Dublin South byelection candidate Shay Brennan will be meeting rugby fans today with members of his election team in the Goat Grill at 3.30pm and at 5.15pm in the Orchard pub in Rathfarnham. Sounds like a risky photo opportunity, but needs must when the numbers don’t look so good.

We’ll spare the blushes and not mention the name of the well-known Dublin FF activist who sashayed in her sensible shoes up the garden path of a house in Knocklyon on Thursday evening and bravely knocked.

The door was yanked open, and before the veteran campaigner could get a word out, she was greeted with a loud “F*** off!” and the door nearly took her nose off as it slammed shut in her face.

The good lady staggered away, waving her leaflets like Margaret Rutherford having a fit of the vapours, and she has been regaling all-comers ever since with her tales from the front.

Situation vacant

Fancy a career in RTÉ? A vacancy has just come up in News and Current Affairs.

George Lee’s job has been downsized from economics editor to economics correspondent, and the successful candidate “will have wide experience of economics journalism and a broad knowledge of the field (a recognised qualification in economics is desirable). S/he will be expected to report with confidence and clarity on all matters relating to the national and international economic environment.”

Candidates for this position “should submit a short paper setting out their vision for the role of economics correspondent”. Applications close on June 7th, two days after the byelection.

A vacancy also exists for associate principal bassoon in the RTÉ Concert Orchestra, but George has his eye on that in case the politics doesn’t work out.

RTÉ is an equal opportunities employer, unless you are a member of Fine Gael. In which case, you can feck off.