Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

I’m playing in the quarter-finals of the Leinster Padel Championship with Réaltín when I feel suddenly hot and, I dunno, jerky

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Yes, I’m wearing Lynx Africa, not to mask the smell of adultery, but that of B.O. - unbelievable as that obviously is

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: After less than 60 seconds of this, she stops and goes, ‘I’m ringing Ronan’

Random Acts of Kindness Day, which falls today, offers a salutary reminder that even a small gesture can elevate someone else’s mood. Here, several well-known names share their stories

Finding out she’s a Taurus rather than an Aries has led to her questioning hundreds of life decisions she made based her horoscope

‘They don’t really send people from our background to prison, do they?’ wonders Sorcha on the morning of Honor’s sentencing

Seriously – intense isn’t the word for this woman

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister

In Operation Trumpsformation, Howard writes about Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s father Charles, a corrupt local politician who has his eyes on greater power

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara is here to talk about Honor’s case - and who to sacrifice to save her from jail

Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha has made an alarming discovery during her annual New Year’s Day clear-out

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Leopardstown on Stephen Zuzz Day is a tradition for the O’Carroll-Kelly men

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s three days before the big day and Cornelscourt is like the Battle of the Bastards scene from Game of Thrones

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha wants to make our own Christmas tree out of books this year. I think she’s been at the eggnog

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re off to give my godson Ross Junior his Christmas present, but his old dear will already be in a fouler at the thought of me coming. She hates my guts

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: We’re doing the usual volunteering at the annual Christmas fete and this year we’ve been put on toilet-cleaning duties as a punishment

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha’s an unbelievable wife and mother, but she can’t satisfy all of my needs

Sorcha has set up a game of padel with Bradan and Réaltín. It’s the game everyone in south Dublin is playing

It’s the Killiney and Dalkey Combined Christmas Fete meeting, and we’re about as welcome as a snot-nosed kid in a bridal shop

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: It’s the old man’s birthday, and Ronan has brought a surprising present to cheer him up

It’s the Mount Anville Past and Present Parents Association’s ‘Prayers and Prosecco Morning’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is resigning from the Seanad because of Honor’s actions, and I’m in the firing line with her old pair

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: There’s something to be said for doing a complete cull of your friends every few years. Keep them around too long and they get to know too much about you

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I should be in Paris for the Rugby World Cup but, instead, I’m stuck at home with Honor laughing in my face

‘Our daughter ... is the SUV Avenger!’ she goes – as if saying it over and over again is going to help her understand it better. ‘Our daughter … is the SUV Avenger!’

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The truth is, I want to be a good father. But I have to weigh that up against the fact that it’s Ireland versus South Africa in the literal World Cup

I wake up in the horrors in the hotel in Nantes to find the old man gone and an unexpected guest on the way to watch Ireland v Tonga

I’ve honestly never seen the old man look so crushed

If they ever build a new wing of the prison, they’ll probably name it after our family

‘People are losing faith in democracy as a means of sorting out society’s problems and these problems include seagulls,’ he tells the judge

‘The name’s O’Carroll-Kelly. Ross O’Carroll-Kelly.’

Ronan catches SUV Avenger ‘putting a screwthriver into fruddent passenger tyre of a Subaru Foddester in Glenageerdy’

We’re in the old man’s boat in the middle of Dublin Bay, with Hennessy and a sawn-off shotgun

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘How are you fixed for the Oddle … Arelint … football … fidal … on Suddendee?’ asks Ronan

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The old man has called a meeting at the Shelbourne Hotel to take action against the latest scourge on Dublin – the seagulls

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The residents of Morlborough Road are out with torches searching for the culprit

The old man is too mortified to tell me what really happened to him outside the Shelbourne hotel

Sorcha has decided she’d rather take the Dort and let her SUV depreciate in the garden than be seen driving it like a hypocrite

The note on the windscreen reads: ‘Attention! Your gas guzzler kills! You’ll be angry, but don’t take it personally! It’s not you – it’s your cor!’