Harry Potter reboot: hate it all you like, it’s going to be bigger than Hagrid

I’m surprised people are surprised a TV remake – reboot, redraw, reflux, whatever you fancy – of the Harry Potter children’s books is looking increasingly likely. Listen to my words. This ... was ... always ... going ... to ... happen. (In case you didn’t get the message, I’m figuratively rapping my knuckles on your forehead to emphasise the hollowness within.) Have you not noticed what’s become of the stuff we watch on screens? It’s now called content and, where possible, it is recycled from other content men in skyscrapers know we already like.

The mild surprise is that this looks to be happening sooner than expected. I was among those anticipating some announcement about a film version of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – the stage thing that’s longer than Mourning Become Electra – before Warner Bros and pals moved on to a full redo of the books. Nothing more than the vaguest of whispers has emerged about that possible venture.

If the announcement ever does come, expectant fans may be as surprised by the precise date as expectant Germans were when landing craft arrived in Normandy. Anyway, one thing need not interfere with the other. None of the main cast from the films appeared in the play. A potential reshod series could, ahem, potter on, independent of any Cursed Child movie.

There were serious suggestions that, should the rumours prove true, the series was sure to be an almighty flop. I’m not buying that. The things will almost certainly be enormous

Here’s this week’s gossip. According to Bloomberg, “Warner Bros Discovery Inc is close to a deal for a new online TV series based on Harry Potter”. Each of the seven books will, the report suggests, be adapted into one “season” (as we now seem to say on both sides of the Atlantic). Those of us sick to our fat teeth with the contemporary focus on faithfulness were chilled by the suggestion that JK Rowling is expected to ensure the series “remains loyal to her original material”. That sounds like a lot of fun for the screenwriters.

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There were, inevitably, a lot of people wondering “who asked for this?” Some of that scepticism came from those concerned at Rowling’s much-chewed-over stance on trans issues. Others argued the often-turgid original films were copper-bottomed classics that would last until the Earth plunged into a dying sun. There were serious suggestions that, should the rumours prove true, the series was sure to be an almighty flop. I’m not buying that. It is true that, after a strong start, the Fantastic Beasts spin-off films have slumped somewhat. But the Hogwarts Legacy video game was a hit. There are still millions who will follow the casting of a new Dumbledore with the same focus earlier maniacs brought to the casting of Scarlett O’Hara. The things will almost certainly be enormous.

[ Harry Potter and Sally Rooney among most borrowed library books last year ]

This does, however, still feel a bit soon. It is less than 12 years since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 brought the cycle of kids’ films to a close. The lead actors are still relatively young people. Nobody would have considered remaking Gone with the Wind in 1952. It would have been seen as bonkers to suggest a second crack at Rodgers and Hammerstein’s The Sound of Music in 1977. The Julie Andrews version still drew fleshy punters into cinemas. It was later boxed into a bewildering variety of VHS and DVD presentations. Steven Spielberg waited more than 60 years before having another tinker at West Side Story and purists still complained.

Yet the Harry Potter gossip seems unremarkable when set beside last week’s missive from the House of Rock. And this one is confirmed. Dwayne Johnson did, indeed, announce on a Hawaiian beach that “a live-action reimagining of Moana is in the works”. You what? That likeable Disney cartoon took $682 million just a little over six years ago. There has been only one summer Olympics since then. There has been only one James Bond film. My fridge contains something green in a Tupperware container that, deposited before Moana arrived to streaming, I haven’t entirely ruled out eating.

[ John Wick: Chapter 4 – Imagine Harry Potter, but with head-stomping ]

The time is coming for studios to start planning the remake before the original version has properly exited cinemas. If I were Denis Villeneuve I’d watch my back. Some young hotshot could be scouting their Dune Part One before his Dune Part Two arrives in cinemas this November. Maybe, to get the cycles co-ordinated, the studios could announce the reboot alongside the first adaptation. “We are proud to confirm that Rufus Jodhpur is to helm a lavish version of The Wizard of Earthsea for release in 2025 before being remade by Stanford Up-and-Coming by the end of the decade.” In the future, adaptations will take on the form of an endless ouroboros of content. The beast will spontaneously generate the same story in slightly altered form without anyone noticing any clunky transition.

Is that what you want? Because that’s what’s going to happen.