Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s blowtorch, Britain’s strictest headteacher and a GB News yeller: The M&S Christmas-ad controversy has it all

The phrase “you couldn’t make it up” is overused, but the furore around the Marks & Spencer Christmas advertisement really does seem beyond the talents of the most mischievous satirist. The objections come from two directions. One reads more seriously than the other. Neither makes much sense.

At first glance the advertisement seems harmless enough. A huddle of celebrities look to be enjoying traditional Christmas diversions before turning nasty and asserting their creative independence. Sophie Ellis-Bextor turns a blowtorch on nearby Christmas cards. Zawe Ashton belts a toy elf over the rooftops. Hannah Waddingham looks to be shredding Christmas hats.

The first scandal isn’t to do with the commercial itself but with an outtake published on the retailer’s Instagram account. The image depicted a green, a silver and a red paper hat burning in a fireplace. “This Christmas, do what you love ... like saying no to paper hats,” the text ran. The hashtag #LoveThismasNotThatmas also appeared.

In what seems like a stretch, some social-media users suggested the colours were an allusion to the Palestinian flag. Understandably keen to cause not even accidental offence during the current conflict in Gaza, M&S deleted the post and apologised. “While the intent was to playfully show that some people just don’t enjoy wearing paper Christmas hats over the festive season, we have removed the post following feedback,” the statement ran, further noting that the advertisement was shot back in August.

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The microblogging site formerly known as Twitter was not satisfied. A few felt the apology didn’t go far enough. But most either accused M&S of giving into wo*ke pressure or nodded towards a second, more frivolous incoming controversy. The war on Christmas is back. The problem was that the celebrities were not being sufficiently respectful of the UK’s great Yuletide traditions (most of which go back no further than the close of the 19th century).

Katharine Birbalsingh, headmistress of Michaela Community School, in London, and a reliable fulminator, was soon at her keyboard. Her letter to Marks & Spencer did not hold back. “You have a duty as our national department store to keep the spirit of Christmas alive for the sake of our children,” the woman dubbed “Britain’s strictest head teacher” wrote after noting her “deep disappointment and outrage”. (Is Marks & Spencer really the UK’s “national department store”? Who decided this?) She went on to accuse the popular underpant and pasty floggers of ignoring the “inspirational spirit of Christmas”. The reformed Scrooge was quoted. The phrase “two fingers” was employed. “How can you do this to our country at such a time as this?!” she wrote. “Shame on you!”

A commander of the British Empire and a former chair of the Social Mobility Commission, Birbalsingh has a voice that is listened to. She wasn’t the only one bellowing. Amanda Fergusson, chief executive of the UK’s Greeting Card Association (there is such a thing), could, perhaps, be forgiven for objecting to Ellis-Bextor’s blowtorch. “Many of our members have been in touch today to say they’re somewhat surprised,” she said, perfectly reasonably. There was a lot worse on the social. Martin Daubney – former MEP for the Brexit Party, current yeller on GB News – was soon chewing away with gusto. “Early contender for Worst Xmas Ad of the Year from M&S?” he wrote; “100% ‘diversity’ & 0% fun!”

How did we get to this place? Why is everyone so furious? It seems most unlikely any insult was being here directed towards the Palestinian people. The message of the advertisement seems no more controversial than “celebrate how you wish”. The latest much-touted John Lewis Christmas commercial, which landed on Thursday, used a voracious Venus fly trap to make much the same point. (At time of writing, fulminations were yet to emerge.) Nobody has to wear stupid hats. Make the season your own, and so forth.

Part of this is to do with the importation of that “war on Christmas” from the United States. “If I become president we’re all going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again,” Donald Trump said in the run-up to his 2016 triumph. Few people on this side of the Atlantic really believe the season is under attack, but it offers a handy stick with which to hammer perceived enemies.

We also have to contend with the odd elevation of the commercial to a cultural signifier. Nobody would be objecting if some drama showed its characters rejecting traditional Christmas mores, but, if such a thing happens in a commercial, recreational outrage can be directed at a supposed national institution. Very satisfying.

The main culprit, however, is the provision of a digital bullhorn to every crank, blowhard and malcontent in the land. It’s the internet, stupid. Fringe opinions that would once have murmured their way from pub to bus to livingroom now multiply in septic masses throughout the online firmament. Try to pretend it’s not happening. It barely is happening.