Bagging the babysitter

MATING panda bears in captivity is a famously difficult task, but it's probably a doddle compared to finding a babysitter for New Year's Eve.

As the year end approaches, all those fresh faced obliging young teenagers go to ground. They won't take your calls and their poor mothers are primed to say they're out, busy, away, gone to America and basically not available because they have no intention of being caught on the 31st minding your snotty nosed, germ ridden children while everyone else in the entire world is out having a good time.

The awful truth is that if you haven't booked a babysitter by now, then the chances are that you'll be staying at home. Either that or you'll be flouting the law by leaving your eight year old in charge of the two year old and the new born baby.

Desperate situations call for desperate measures. Like driving 40 miles to pick up a willing nephew or niece, or loading the children into the car and dropping them off with the nephew or niece on the understanding that you collect them again at 10 past midnight. You could get granny on the job for the night ("she's quite remarkable for 96"), leaving her with a bottle of sherry and her hearing aid turned right up. Or you might inveigle one of your more disillusioned friends to do the job. There is always someone who hates the whole business of New Year's Eve with all that kissing and singing at midnight. The trick is to persuade her that she would be much better off at your house watching Toy Story three times instead of tucked up on her own sofa with a box of chocolates and a good book.

Don't expect any help from your own mother who will have safely got herself roped into an arrangement that can't possibly be broken even if she wanted to. Usually she doesn't want to, having reared her own children without help from anyone and now it's her turn to have a good time etc etc. Sisters are always worth trying but they can work out on the pricey side.

Anyone who is even half prepared to babysit for that night of nights is in an exquisite bargaining position. And money is just the beginning. "Look, here's the deal," you hear someone plead down the phone to her 18 year old sibling "I'll give you £50 cash and you can wear my new boots ... no I said boots not the Donna Karen dress, I haven't even worn it myself ... no no no ... all right, yes! Have it!"

Sisters generally want it all their own way. Usually they won't stay later than 1 a.m. or the charge goes up by about £10 per hour.

If you want to stay out longer, than you have to be flexible. For instance you can offer your own house as a party venue, letting the babysitter invite her 100 friends over and laying on beer and crisps for the lot of them, so long as they keep an eye on things upstairs. It all depends on how desperate you are.

And life is never simple because if, and when, you do get a babysitter for this night of nights, then you suddenly find yourself asking - what sort of person is this? Why is she available? Why doesn't she have a peer group she just has to party with? Will the children be safe with such a loner?

If you are prepared to spend astronomical amounts of money on the sitter, what will you get for your money? Can you negotiate an overnight deal where she will stay on to get the children's breakfast and put them in front of a video while you lie on in an alcoholic fug?

IF you and your friends are super organised you could arrange a communal sitter, booking her sometime in July and confirming on a weekly basis from November onwards. This paragon, should you find her, will look after several children under one roof. If you are very lucky then your hostess might have arranged to have her Romanian au pair stay put for the holiday ("they don't celebrate it over there you know and she says she would prefer to stay in, really") in which case the children can be just crammed in. This works best in big, tall houses where nanny and co can create mayhem in the attic while the grown ups carry on downstairs, baby monitor switched firmly off.

If there is no such arrangement in place then don't even contemplate foisting your children on the party, no matter now sweet and good they are - or how easy going the host is ... you think. No one really wants to see you arrive harassed and haggard an hour late and laden down with bottles of booze and formula and large bundles wrapped up in blankets.

"Sorry about this, blasted babysitter let us down at the last minute," you say, pushing into the hall. "Anywhere at all will do, they'll go straight back to sleep. Oh dear now don't wake up, ssshh..."

Famous last words and pass the Phenergen. Happy New Year!