The discovery of Kepler-452b by NASA is a big deal. A planet very similar to our Earth, similarly close to its sun, orbiting its star in 385 days, it is, in theory, habitable, and according to the internet, we’re moving there on Tuesday.
It’s really amazing.
But is it though? Moving to Kepler-452b is the equivalent of moving slightly up the planetary property ladder to a slightly bigger three-bedroom semi. And we don’t even know who lives in Kepler-451 or Kepler-453.
I’d like to think our interplanetary property desires can be a bit more aspirational. So I’ve delved into my sci-fi and fantasy library to find a list of interesting galactic real estate that any truly upwardly-mobile species should consider.
Ringworld
Not all planets have to be spherical. Larry Niven’s Ringworld is a massive architect-built ring (around one million miles wide and 600 million miles long) revolving around a star and on which millions of species live. It’s a bit of a fixer-upper because the former owners, an ancient unknowable galactic civilization, basically abandoned it. Niven, in his novel, sends a 200-year-old man, a cowardly two-headed alien, a big angry cat thing and a naïve young party queen (basically the people I follow on Twitter) over to check it out. They have weird and worrying adventures. They liked it!
Cybertron
The planetary equivalent of a “smart home,” Cybertron is a big mechanical planet built around a slumbering robot god called Primus. The Transformers live there. The neighbours are a bit fighty but the broadband is really excellent.
The Little Prince’s Planet
It might be “compact” but the little Prince’s planet is definitely on the verge of gentrification. We know this because of the presence of the Little Prince himself with his dicky-bow, artfully-tossed hair, community gardening project and philosophical ruminations about life and loneliness. My salt-of-the-earth grandfather could always foretell the coming of a storm or a Starbucks by the behaviour of hipsters. “The hipsters are startled,” he’d whisper, cocking his shotgun and staring towards the horizon. The Little Prince is certainly startled. He falls to earth, befriends a French pilot (author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) and goes on to steal his and this reader’s heart (I love the Little Prince).
Planet of the Apes
If it’s an Earth-like planet you want, you should really try Pierre Boulle’s The Planet of the Apes. It’s like Earth except it’s filled with French speaking monkeys (science editor’s note: they’re apes Patrick, not monkeys). Yes, cute, cheeky, fun loving monkeys. Here come some of them now. Hello! Who’s a cute funny monkey? You are! Why are you hitting me? Agh. These monkeys are enslaving me. This isn’t fun at all! Oh look, they have a Statue of Liberty just like on our planet.
Shellworld
The shellworld, Sursamen, as described in the wonderful Iain M Banks’s novel Matter, is another massive ancient unique property in which different layers are nested like Russian dolls and on each layer different alien civilisations live and battle. An excellent investment opportunity for a species on the make, which is kind of part of the plot of Matter (we miss you Iain M Banks).
Discworld
A large disc on top of four elephants standing on the shell of a huge turtle, the late Terry Pratchet’s Discworld is my favourite planet even if physicists say it’s “impossible.” I really like the locals – Captain Vimes, Granny Weatherwax, Gaspode the Wonder Dog. I feel like I’d have philosophically meaningful adventures if I lived on Discworld (We miss you Terry Pratchett)
Axis-powers earth
Hard to get there without some sort of inter-dimensional portal, but the world of The Man in the High Castle by Philip K Dick is a great option for those of you who like eastern philosophy, fengshui, the I Ching and order. It’s very organised. Very organised. Also, on this planet the Nazis won the war. I probably should have said that at the start.
Bringloid 5
Ah, forget Earth-like planets, wouldn’t we be much more at home on an Ireland-like planet? Bringloid 5 is a stage-Irish planet discovered by the USS Enterprise in a 1989 episode of Star-Trek the Next Generation. The Bringloidi are long-lost colonists from stage-Ireland who have retained our unique customs – fighting, drinking, keeping straw and livestock in the house and having large Punch-magazine style side-burns. Jean-Luc Picard basically re-colonises them with his superior brain, but these happy-go-lucky alcoholics seem to enjoy it. This was genuinely an episode of Star Trek. I know! They really got us. I think we’d feel very at home on Bringloid 5.
Alternatively, get a site and build your own planet. Go to the Horsehead Nebula and get the Magratheans to construct a world for you. According to Douglas Adams’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy books, they’re the race of builders who made Earth (originally a giant planet-like computer for a race of inquisitive pan-dimensional mice). That way you could have as many en suites as you want. I know you want loads of them.
