Una Mullally's alternative Oscars night predictions

The Oscar nominations are out soon, and while awards season can be unpredictable, there are certain things you can also be damn sure will go down on the night of the Academy Awards.

A J-Law unto herself
Jennifer Lawrence will graduate from tripping on the red carpet and falling on her way up to collect an award, to large-scale calamities. Propping herself against a wall while chatting with BFF Amy Schumer, J-Law finds herself accidentally pulling a fire alarm lever.

Panicking, she rushes to the fusebox to shut off the electricity, but gets her foot stuck in a nearby bucket ashtray, spinning around and knocking an entire tray of margaritas on to Helen Mirren in the process.

In her bid to clean the spillage, she grabs a tablecloth, but doesn’t notice an entire set of Flora Danica chinaware on top, smashing the lot, and interrupting a racist – but hilarious – punchline Quentin Tarantino was getting to in the corner with Jonah Hill and Mel Gibson.

She then loses an earring, the impact of which falling creates a butterfly effect causing an earthquake in Jakarta, killing 357 people. Adorbs!

Where's George?
Clooney's not there. Everyone misses Clooney.

Backstage footage
Alejandro González Iñárritu cuts out the middleman by strapping a GoPro to his head and spends the evening shooting one continuous pan for his upcoming feature OscarMan – including red-carpet awkwardness with Giuliana Rancic, sneaky Patrons at the bar, smalltalk with Todd Haynes at the urinals, being attacked by Harvey Weinstein dressed as a bear, and so on.

Where's J-Lo? Oh
Jennifer Lopez shows up. Why is she there? No one knows, but are you really going to utter the "your name's not down, you're not getting in" line when J-Lo rocks up the the red carpet? No. No you are not.

You didn't see nothin'
Leonardo "The Untouchable" DiCaprio grins and gurns his way through the evening as his transformation into Jack Nicholson mimics a slo-mo flip-book. Everybody nods sombrely when he talks about the environment. A busboy says "Doesn't he just play the same hero in every movie? A guy put under psychological pressure who has to go about searching for the person he loves?" Said busboy is then brought out the back and shot. By Kate Winslet.

Star card wars
JJ Abrams and George Miller spend the duration of the show backstage playing Netrunner.

If you need me, I'll be on the moors
Everybody watching breaks up with their boyfriend/girlfriend because they're not Michael Fassbender/Alicia Vikander. With everyone unmarried in the world now single, they roam the moors (everyone also lives on moors now) trying to hunt down a partner who would work in a photoshoot with them for The Kooples.

Only Sly can save us now
The E! red carpet reporting crew continues to re-enact a likeness to the most sinister Graham Knuttel painting ever, but when Ryan Seacrest fluffs a line, summoning the Curse Of Inanity, they are trapped forever, looping the same questions over and over like an unending Vine. Only Kelly Osbourne can save them now, by freeing Princess Toadstool from King Koopa's clutches! Or something. Actually, maybe Sylvester Stallone just smashes the time-space continuum with his craggy fists, thus freeing them to continue to ask professional artists about their shoes.

- The 88th Academy Awards will take place on Sunday, February  28th, 2016