A live-in childminder could be the answer to a working parent's prayers, but beware the pitfalls of pinning your hopes on finding the perfect au pair, writes DANIELLE McLAUGHLIN.

YOUR INCOME is down, your debts are up, and your childcare costs are more than €2,000 a month. Welcome to the world of the cash-strapped parent, struggling to balance the books in the aftermath of a drastic pay-cut or reduced working hours.

As the recession bites deeper, parents may consider dispensing with the services of a nanny or crèche and opting for an au pair instead. Au pairs became one of the symbols of success in Celtic Tiger Ireland, cheaper than a Hermès bag and without the long waiting list. But for many, an au pair is now a necessity rather than a luxury, as mum slinks back to work rather than to the hairdressers.

But are au pairs really a childcare solution? Almost three years ago, heavily pregnant with my son, and with my freshly-scrubbed daughters then aged one and three in tow, I waddled in breathless anticipation to the airport arrivals hall to greet Katerina (not her real name), our first au pair.

They say that you never forget your first. Well they certainly got that one right. Katerina, 18 according to her agency profile but looking a young 12, ambled awkwardly off her flight (paid for by us) and launched our household into three highly charged weeks of compulsive brand-name shopping (paid for by us), tearful home-sickness and loud teenage tantrums before we drove her, at her request, back to the airport for her flight home (paid for by us).

While we had given it our best shot, if truth be told, I knew very early on that it wasn’t going to work. One sunny morning, on perhaps the second or third day after her arrival, I tentatively left her alone in the garden with the children and a selection of crayons, markers and sheets of blank paper. Peeking out of the kitchen window some 20 minutes later, I saw her engrossed in her drawing, a picture of youthful serenity, head bent in concentration over her crayons. The children, on the other hand, were nowhere to be seen.

It was, however, the following weekend when we all went to the park and she fought with our three-year-old over a swing (I am not making this up) that I knew the odds were against us.

Katerina’s early departure (she had been due to stay for nine months) left us with a sudden gaping hole in our childcare arrangements. We returned to the agency website, full of fresh hope, to seek a replacement – perhaps one of those marvellous, smiley girls, on a year out from their child-psychology degree, that other families seemed to find so effortlessly. Over the next two years there followed a succession of six more girls from a range of different countries.

There was the Hungarian girl with the eating disorder whose family believed we were involved in sex-trafficking. There was the Italian diva who expected to be waited on hand-and-foot and who memorably attempted to recruit a stranger she met in an internet chat room to be her substitute while she went travelling. To be fair, she did promise to be back in time for our next family holiday and on occasion she would cook some great Italian food, as long as someone else cleaned up the kitchen afterwards.

It wasn’t all bad and we did have some positive stories and some kind and responsible young women who slotted calmly and cheerfully into our household, fitting our busy, sometimes chaotic lives like a glove. They were lifebuoys in the choppy seas of self-employed parents with three small children.

Devoted to the kids, anxious to learn our language and culture and generously sharing theirs, these girls still remain part of our lives, returning to visit during college holidays, acting as hosts and tour guides extraordinaire when we visit them. In short, they shone as joyful ambassadors for what the whole au-pair experience is supposed to be about.

The problem with au pairs, though, is that when they are good they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are, well, horrid. It was after our experiences with a girl from central Europe last summer that the dream finally died.

Judith (not her real name) asked if she could come and stay with us urgently; the Irish couple she was staying with were splitting up, she told us, and life in the household was unbearable. They were aggressive, dysfunctional and not paying her, and she could never get time off, not even to attend her English classes. Outraged on her behalf, we agreed to interview her immediately. We told her that she could start as soon as our existing au pair went home and in the meantime she could come and live with us as our guest.

Judith turned out to be a deeply disturbed girl, with serious psychological problems. She was also a pathological liar. A few weeks later, she took some holidays on the pretence of sitting an exam in her home country and never returned. As we dealt with our confused children, and her unpaid bills, we decided (belatedly, I know) to try and track down her last Irish host family.

So began a bit of sleuth work that, given the very small pond that is Ireland, quickly yielded results. Instead of the cruel, unhappy ogres we had been told of, we found a sensible, normal young couple, still very much together. They confirmed that Judith had indeed been their au pair. Ultimately, they had to drive her to the local Garda station after she made false accusations of assault against the host father. There were also some issues relating to missing cash and a strange man being sneaked into the house in the early hours of the morning.

At that point, deciding that we had had a lucky escape, we finally raised the white flag and retreated.

WOULD WE do it again? That depends. If one of our good former au pairs happened to be available, we would jump at the chance. At the end of the day, it’s hard to beat a kind and trusted live-in childminder, who is there when you get up in the morning and on hand at short notice for emergencies.

And there’s no denying that au pairs are cheap compared to other forms of child-care: for anywhere between €80 and €150 a week plus board and lodgings, au pairs will usually do 35 hours a week plus one night’s babysitting. Life, though, moves on for everyone, and university, new relationships and new jobs make the prospect of au-pairs returning an unlikely scenario.

Perhaps when our children are older and better able to tell us how they feel and what exactly is going on, we might dip our toe in the water again.

For now, though, we have said goodbye, ciao, auf wiedersehen, czesc to the au-pair dream.

Au pairs Dos and don'ts

DO

- Ask for references, preferably from previous host families, and check them out.

- Speak to her parents. It helps allay any fears they may have for their daughter and lessens your chances of being accused of human trafficking.

- If possible, recruit an au pair well in advance and get to know her by phone and e-mail before she arrives. Get the children to make welcome cards and a sign for the airport.

- Create a schedule each week and stick to it. Remember that, in general, au pairs should not be asked to be on duty for more than 35 hours a week (plus one night’s baby sitting). Pay her on time every week. Remember, if she has worked extra hours then she should get extra money, or else time off in lieu. If the au pair accompanies you on family outings or meals then she should be treated as one of your own offspring – ie you pay.

DON’T

- Ask the au pair to clean the bathroom, weed the patio or collect your dry cleaning. Getting her to wash the kids clothes is okay – getting her to wash your socks and underwear isn’t.

- Make her the focus of your insecurities. It’s not her fault that she’s 180cm, looks like a cross between Angelina Jolie and J Lo and likes to wear a bikini in the garden.

- Ask her if they have washing machines and electricity in her country.

- Make the au-pair eat meals or take breaks on her own. An au pair is meant to be an equal, a member of your family, not hired help to be banished to the servants’ quarters.

- Give her the car keys before checking her licence, adding her to the insurance and going on a couple of test drives with her first. She would not be the first teenager in the world to overstate her driving abilities in order to get behind the wheel.

Danielle McLaughlin is a self-employed solicitor from Donoughmore, Co Cork