In a Word ... Martin

I had a dream, and it involved Martins. Lots of Martins. UK prime minister Boris Johnson was visiting Ireland for the first time since Taoiseach Micheál Martin assumed office.

He was being introduced to dignitaries: “Do I address you as Teashop or Meehaul? I suppose I should avoid Mick?” Boris asked, jocosely. To which the Taoiseach responded: “Whatever you prefer. We’re not hung up on titles here.” Which Boris found “quite extraordinary”.

He was introduced to Catholic Primate of All Ireland Archbishop Eamon Martin, then the Catholic Primate of Ireland Archbishop Diarmuid Martin, at which Boris turned to the Taoiseach and said admiringly, "Really!", before shaking the second Archbishop Martin's hand.

"And this is our Minister for Media, Tourism, Arts, Culture, Sport and the Gaeltacht, Catherine Martin, " said the Taoiseach.

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“No! It cannot be. And all those portfolios too. How did you do it? I mean, Meehaul, when I promoted my brother Jo to the House of Lords last July, they went crazy. No one, and I mean no one, chose to remember I had promoted someone who not alone opposed Brexit but who had resigned from the government over it!

“How did you get all those relations into such top positions and into government with all those portfolios without it creating a proper stink? If I did that I’d be sent on my way to offer my resignation to the old dear in Buckingham Palace. What a master stroke!”

The Taoiseach attempted to calm his British counterpart’s enthusiasm. “No, no. It’s not like that at all. You’ve got it all wrong. None of them is related to me. And none of the other Martins here is related to any of the others, either.”

Boris stared at him, unbelieving, a knowing smile at the corners of his mouth. “Really? And what’s the population of Ireland?” he asked.

“Just over 4.9 million,” said the Taoiseach.

“And, Meehaul, out of such a small population, you expect me to believe that none of these Martins in leading positions is related to you, or to one another?”

The Taoiseach just shook his head. “That is the case,” he said.

At which Boris commented: “And to think I once believed you were all called Murphy over here.”

Then I woke up.

Martin, one of the 14 Tribes of Galway. Said to be of Norman origin.

inawword@irishtimes.com