Putting manners on the modern world

JOHN MORGAN must be blushing to the tips of his perfectly manicured fingertips.

The first thing the reader sees in his Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette & Modern Manners is a faded photocopy (the shame of it) warning the reader of two mistakes. Authors usually accept typos and other errors philosophically, but to have to admit to the shocking error of referring to Mr White and Lady Sarah White instead of Mr James and Lady Sarah White must horrify the author, who is obsessed with doing the right thing.

The real world has to be a constant trial to the sort of people who are interested in this type of book. In Morgan's world, invitations ("never invites") should be written with a fountain pen, never ballpoint, it is rude for a man to sit cross legged at lunch and it is not definitely not comme il faut to mention the mother's maiden name in a birth announcement. That picky French expression is one he uses often, and it sums up prissily the entire tone of the book. This is further reflected in the names he makes up to illustrate various points. So the pages are peopled with characters called Brigadier Basil Blimp, Peregrine Proud Parent, and Felicity Fancy free.

For the most part the contents are predictable. What to do when you meet the Queen, how to organise a "proper" wedding and what type face to use on your personal stationery - the kind of information you'll find in most etiquette books.

Where this one differs - and why, presumably, the word "modern" is in the title - is Morgan's attempt to suggest rules for the more contemporary aspects of life. He looks at such issues as the social position of a man who "comes out of the closet", ends his marriage and produces a boyfriend - well, he doesn't exactly say what that social position is, just that it "is very much a phenomenon de nos jours".

There's a section on going to the gym which includes the advice to drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration. Is that good manners or just sensible advice? What it seems like is unnecessary padding and information that doesn't belong in this type of book.

Morgan, who is a senior editorial contributor at Conde Nast, talks about how to behave on aeroplanes, without giving any advice on how to deal with your fellow passengers' behaviour. What the modern traveller really wants to know is how to politely wake up the man next to you on a transatlantic flight when his sleeping head has dropped on your shoulder and he's starting to drool.

And there's disappointingly nothing on other modern dilemmas. How do you politely tell a woman that she has just exited the bathroom with her skirt tucked in her knickers, or is it good manners to tell a new acquaintance that he's got spinach in his teeth? As with so many other, things, he refers to that tricky problem of what to call your boyfriend when his boyhood days are long over but doesn't reach a definitive conclusion on the partner/boyfriend/lover dilemma.

Anticipating criticism of his book (or for that matter any book of this type), the author in his preface climbs up on very high ground, implying that anyone who criticises him is some sort of barbarian trying to hurl herself over the gate to destroy society by eating with her mouth full. But then, defining a rigid set of rules of behaviour as the only possible rules a society can live by is bound to breed a certain intolerance for those who do not believe in them.

It's difficult to see exactly whom this book is aimed at, though from the bibliography at the back, which includes several etiquette and manners books, there is obviously a market for this kind of self help book. Foreign diplomats coming to live in London might find it useful, as might insecure nouveaux riche types terrified of passing the port in the wrong direction. However, despite the inclusion of advice on the gym, gay lovers, and even a section of manners for Internet users, the book seems a not very relevant and laboriously written anachronism. {CORRECTIONS} 96092100001