The Late Late Toy Show has released a "teaser" video. In the clip, which seems to be based on a recurring nightmare Ryan Tubridy has, Tubridy must "lip sync for his life" for the pleasure of the RTÉ board who are sitting behind an X-Factor style judges' bench (this is, as you know, how public-sector pay is now negotiated under the terms of the Lansdowne Road agreement).
The board are here represented by a Grinch, two princesses and, I think, the human embodiment of death (I do not know what the tiny judge on the far left is meant to be dressed as but he has silver hair and a black hoody). All the members of the board appear to be children, but I suspect they’re actually just malnourished public servants.
"Next," says a jaded member of the board. She has seen so much (Joe Duffy was in previously, singing Happy Birthday, Mr President).
Cut to the stage. Tubridy does his best Sally Bowles from Cabaret impression. He tips his hat and heads for the microphone. His lips move and a voice emerges. It is a soulful crooning voice. Tubridy thinks this is his real voice and he is thrilled with himself.
Sadly, as you know, Tubridy’s real voice is actually a hollow hoarse shriek after last week’s interview with Katie Hopkins, and so it has been overdubbed with that of an American.
If you were to remove the overdubbed croon and use the original audio you’d just hear Tubridy screaming “No! No! My god no!” He can remain smiling and dancing, however, because the man is a pro and certifiably “a bit of craic”.
The voice sings All I Want for Christmas is You. This is a song that sounds sweet and/or terrifying depending on who's shouting it at you on the night bus. I decide that in this context it is sweet.
He is joined on stage by diminutive hip-hop elves who have “attitude” and begin “busting moves”, as is their wont. They are very good. I hope all of their papers are in order and they don’t get deported to the North Pole once their stint as child labourers in Montrose is over.
The audience, a baying mob of small screaming people, are pleased with Tubridy. They yell and gibber. The judges deem Tubridy’s performance worthy. He may remain at RTÉ and he may live . . . if you can call this living.
A child's voice falteringly says: "The Late Late Toy Show, Friday the second of December, Ho Ho Ho!"
This is Child Santa, a terrifying figure from folklore. Child Santa is a story for another day.
