Too many experts make this food exposé a stodgy affair

TV REVIEW:THE WAY What's Eating Ireland?(RTÉ1, Sunday) told it, you'd think supermarkets were the crack houses of suburbia and the mammies and daddies of Ireland wilful pushers of deadly food.

In one scene, Philip Boucher-Hayes, its presenter, was in a primary-school classroom, going from desk to desk, opening up lunch boxes and peering between slices of bread to uncover – brace yourself – slices of ham. We’d already heard the dire warnings from an expert that processed meat leads to all kinds of illnesses (this busy, old-fashioned documentary was wall-to-wall with experts), but, even so, nearly more disturbing than the ham was the sight of a grown man’s latex-gloved mitts rummaging through children’s sarnies while they were out in the yard working up an appetite. And if ham is so bad, why not pin down the experts from the Food Safety Authority of Ireland and SafeFood and demand withdrawal of all processed meat from the market, or at the very least make them carry great big health warnings? You’d get a whole programme out of that.

And that was the problem with this programme: it tried to do too much without moving the story on from what most viewers who would be interested in tuning into a food programme know anyway, and it quickly became dull and business-focused. For research, 3,000 shopping receipts – that’s a lot of valuable information – were analysed, but little of the information was used. It’s not enough to say we buy enormous amounts of processed meat or that our appetite for sugary breakfast cereals is beaten only by the South Koreans’. And the vox pops were plain silly. In one Boucher-Hayes asked shoppers, in a censorious tone, why they shopped in supermarkets (“the parking”, “the convenience”). That might have been interesting, even revelatory, outside Quinnsworth in the 1970s, but not now.

An interview at a chicken processing plant marked the point where it became all about business and turned into a different programme to the one promised. As hundreds of plucked and beheaded chickens, hanging on what looked like a washing line, whizzed overhead inside a ginormous factory, the processor talked about the threat to his business from imported chicken.

But is there a threat to consumers from chicken from the Far East? That wasn’t explained, nor were we told what was so great – or not – about those hanging home-grown chicks.

From that point on it was story after story about how rapaciously supermarkets deal with suppliers, how fantastically profitable they are and how they’re destroying local shops – none of which is news, despite Boucher-Hayes’s urgent delivery.

What was interesting, though not explored, was that in France, where they have supermarkets the size of Leitrim, regulations demand that products be sourced locally. And when Tesco came to Ireland, in the late 1990s, there was some sort of stipulation (not explained) that some food had to be sourced here – although when the rule ran out after five years it wasn’t renewed. Why not? There are stories there, and Boucher-Hayes is the man to tell them, but next time, please, do it without laying a guilt trip on trolley-pushing shoppers just trying to do the best they can.

WHAT'S EATING IRELAND?was part of RTÉ's Heart/land strand, a themed series running all week that also included The Home Place(RTÉ1, Monday), a two-part documentary by Seán Ó Mórdha, exploring the history of the family farm. It looked beautiful, with panoramic skies, bucolic countryside displaying at least 40 shades of green, and picture-book cattle balefully eyeing the proceedings. And it wore its history lightly while managing to deliver all the key points, from the changes brought about by the Famine and the Land League to De Valera's model of self- subsistence to the emphasis on increased production that membership of the EEC brought.

But its real strength, and why it was engaging even for a confirmed townie like myself, were the farmers, their stories of everyday life on the land and their easy way in front of the camera. Particularly interesting were the O’Gradys, the father-and-son team from Tipperary, and the MacEntees from Co Louth. Henry O’Grady, who inherited the farm from his father, Harry, reflected that it’s not really about him owning the land; it’s as much about the land owning him – an attitude common to all the farmers.

David Meredith of Teagasc reported on an EU survey about land ownership. In France, he said, on average an acre changes ownership every 70 years; in Ireland it’s every 550 years. What you have you hold. Mary MacEntee talked of the conflicting emotions in sending her children to university. “The risk of education is you won’t get a farmer out of the six children.” She did, though. Her son now works by her side. A small criticism was the music, mostly classical and mostly too loud and highly intrusive, sometimes even competing with the spoken word.

WEDNESDAY NIGHTfor the next 12 weeks is sorted now The Apprentice(BBC1, Tuesday and Wednesday) is back. This new series started with back-to-back episodes on Tuesday and Wednesday just to lure us in – and the prize this year is different. The winner doesn't get to work for Alan Sugar; he or she gets £250,000 and the chance to go into business 50-50 with him. "You can look on it as an uncivil partnership," he snarled, adding, "I'm not St Alan, patron saint of bloody losers."

This year’s contestants are the usual mix of misguided arrogance and ruthless ambition, and the first task was to make a profit on £250 worth of fruit. It was won by the female team led by super-confident, scary and totally unlikable Melody (let’s hope she stays for weeks and weeks, then), who, according to herself, has worked with 12 Nobel prize winners and been taught by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Must have been some school. On the early-morning buying trip to the fruit market, perma-tanned sales director Vincent, who fancies himself as quite the ladies’ man, picked up a piece of fruit and asked, “is that an orange?” – a bit ironic as Vincent is orange. “I dunno. Is it?” answered team leader Andrew. They were never going to win.

AFTER THURSDAY'S TRIUMPH,best of luck to Jedward tonight, but if it doesn't work out, their stint on Bring Back Bosco(TV3, Monday), a delve into the archive to look at the evolution of children's TV in Ireland, showed that the hyperactive duo could have a brilliant career as children's TV presenters. They tried to replicate their favourite part of Bosco, the make-do craft slot. "First take off the cap," instructed Edward (or John), picking up a marker. The annoying aspect of this sort of show is that it's chock-full of people who appear to be talking pretty much for the sake of talking when all the viewer wants to see is more archive footage and memories from the people who were actually there.

Anyway, no prizes for guessing what they made with sticky tape, card and markers: Jedward masks. When they put them on even the twins thought they were scary.

What Have the Brits Ever Done for Us?RTÉ1, Sunday

My, how we've come on: a programme not obsessed with 800 years of oppression. David McWilliams resents an exploration of the complex relationship between the two islands that includes the positive influence the British Empire has had on us, "whether we like it or not".