A strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children

Until recently, conditions such as autism or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) were treated as disorders or a set of deficits that needed to be treated or managed. Fortunately, there is now a realisation that these are neurodivergent brain differences that come with as many strengths as challenges.

Indeed many of the challenges for children with ADHD and/or autism are caused by misunderstanding their needs and how they communicate, as well as a school system that mainly caters for the way neurotypical children learn.

Society does not yet fully understand and embrace neurodivergent communication and learning styles. This is despite the fact that formal diagnosis rates for autism and ADHD children have risen sharply in recent years. Positively, these rising rates represent an increased identification of the needs of neurodivergent children and particularly girls whose needs had not been recognised previously. In addition, there are many more undiagnosed children and adults in society who might meet the criteria for autism or ADHD. Some estimates suggest that between 15 and 20 per cent of all children are neurodivergent (ND) and the majority do not have a formal diagnosis.

This series of articles describes the importance of parents appreciating children’s individual differences, needs and strengths, which is so important to their long-term wellbeing and identity. This strengths-based, affirming approach to parenting is good for all children and especially those who are neurodivergent.

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Brianna Parkins: What’s infuriating about neurotypicals? Here’s a list

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Nuala O’Connor on her adult autism diagnosis: ‘I’d found out it was my brain pushing me in these directions ... I was euphoric’

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Aoife Dooley: Me, myself and autism

Listen | 47:09

Embracing neurodiversity

Autistic and ADHD children belong to a family of neurodevelopmental differences that become apparent as children grow up. These include dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder, tic disorders, dyslexia, dyscalculia, synaesthesia, epilepsy and intellectual disabilities, as well as many other conditions. There is great overlap between each of these conditions and many neurodivergent children meet the criteria for more than one. For example, an estimated 50-70 per cent of children with autism also meet the criteria for ADHD.

Let’s look now at these two common and often misunderstood diagnoses

Understanding autism

Autism is a lifelong developmental difference in how a person communicates and relates to others, as well as in how they experience the world around them.

When your child is autistic you might observe differences such as:

• How they communicate and behave with peers.
• Delays/differences in how they learn and use language.
• Not keeping to “social rules” in communication with peers.
• Strong or intense interest in certain subjects (eg TV shows, music or books).
• Preferences for certain routines and repeated activities (eg organising toys and eating food the same way).
• Engaging in stimming behaviours to relax and regulate such as rocking, flapping, hair twirling, rubbing hands, skin picking, and pacing.
• Hypersensitive to certain sensory input (eg distress at bright lights or loud noises when out).
• Hyposensitive to other sensory input (eg need to be constantly fidgeting or moving to keep focused).

Sometimes, children learn to “mask” their autistic communication. This is particularly the case for girls who might be socialised to repress their natural communication style to “fit in” and avoid judgment from other children or adults. Excessive masking can cause great stress for children.

It is important to note that autistic differences bring many strengths, such as direct communication, persistence in routines, loyalty in friendships, as well as being an independent thinker and avoiding a “herd mentality’”

[ ‘My four-year-old son is on a long waiting list for an autism assessment’ ]

Understanding ADHD

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is often misunderstood as an inability to pay attention, when in reality ADHD children can usually attend and ‘hyperfocus’ on tasks that interest them.

Rather ADHD represents challenges in managing and regulating attention such as:

• Attending to tasks or subjects they find “boring”.
• Getting started or changing focus from one task to another.
• Planning, sequencing and organising tasks.

ADHD is also characterised by a child being:

• Active, restless and full of energy in body and mind.
• Prone to burnout and exhaustion.
• Impulsive in what they say and do.
• Emotional and sensitive to rejection.

ADHD also brings many strengths such as an ability to think creatively/generate new ideas, a passion for special subjects as well as emotional warmth and a high-energy communication style.

Neurodiverse families

Neurodivergent children are much more likely to have neurodivergent parents, siblings and extended family. When you start the journey exploring your child’s needs and seeking assessment, it is worth also taking a pause to consider your own needs and those of your other family members.

Being a ND parent can be helpful in understanding your children. One father I worked with was often frustrated at his ADHD son as his behaviour triggered memories of his own struggles in school. However, once he considered he might also be ADHD and got his own support, sharing the same label greatly increased his compassion. He became much more bonded to his son in his struggles and his strengths as they explored their shared passion for bikes and hiking.

Sometimes, being an ND parent can be challenging, especially when you are different from your children. For example, you might be an autistic Dad, who needs the home to be spic and span to feel relaxed and regulated, whereas your ADHD, dyspraxic son might be “all over the place”, constantly creating mess. Or you could be a chatty ADHD mum who clashes with your autistic daughter who finds talking after school overwhelming and needs a break from communicating. Or your sensory preferences might diverge. You might need quiet music in the evening to relax and unwind, whereas your child might need a period of loud music and dancing to help regulate themselves.

As you begin to understand your child’s needs it is important to become self-aware of your own needs and those of your other family members. The most important thing to realise is that your needs and preferences might be different and to take steps to accommodate everyone in the family.

Parent journey

Parenting a ND child can sometimes feel like a long journey. When your child is young you might worry about their development and experience behaviour challenges. When they go to school, these challenges might increase, and unfortunately many parents feel judged and isolated. Seeking professional assessment can be problematic as there are usually long waiting lists and it can be confusing and difficult to find the right supports for your child’s needs. As a result many families wait for long periods feeling isolated without helpful understanding and support.

While a professional diagnosis may be important in understanding your child’s needs (and is essential in getting educational resources in school), you can start getting support immediately by informing yourself and reaching out to others. Start by contacting neuro-affirming organisations such as asiam.ie and adhdireland.ie who will link you in with others on the same journey and signpost you to the step.

Also, you don’t need a professional diagnosis to gain support. Over half of the families who attend the Parents Plus ADHD programme, via ADHD Ireland, don’t have a confirmed diagnosis and report benefits from attending and meeting other parents.

Also, sometimes it is best to not immediately seek formal diagnosis and to wait until your child is ready to engage in this process. For example, you might wonder if your young teenage daughter is autistic, but she may not be ready to explore this until she is older. However, you can still inform yourself about autism and use this information to help you respond more compassionately and more supportively to her needs.

Becoming an affirming parent

When raising a neurodivergent child (whether they have a professional diagnosis or not) it helps to move on from the negative paradigm of disorder which has damaged children’s well being and self-identity and to embrace your child’s differences and strengths, while appreciating their individual challenges and needs.

In these series of six articles we discuss how you can effectively manage the challenges that arise, while being an affirming parent, so you can be your child’s advocate as they navigate the school system and the outside world.

Parenting Exceptional Children

• Part 1
• Part 2
• John Sharry is clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. See solutiontalk.ie.