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‘Your neurodivergent child might be good at maths and struggle to tie their shoelaces’

Parenting Exceptional Children: The second in a special six-part series – a strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children

'Rather than putting demands on your autistic daughter to talk about school at mealtime which can provoke a meltdown, you can give her time to decompress and relax by watching her videos.'

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John Sharry
Tue Mar 19 2024 - 06:01

Autism and ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) are spectrum conditions, meaning that children are affected in a wide variety of different ways. Children are likely to come with a “spiky” profile, meaning that they might have high ability and strengths in one life area, but experience challenges and disability in another.

Part of a series about parenting a neurodivergent child.

For example, your child might be good at maths and struggle to tie their shoelaces. Or they might be able to spend hours immersed in a favourite sport, but struggle to attend for five minutes sitting at a table doing homework.

Also, neurodivergent children (ND) can have a wide range in support needs. For example, an autistic child with an intellectual disability may need a high level of ongoing support at home and in school, whereas another child may have intermittent or hidden needs such as dealing with anxiety or managing sensory challenges in the classroom.

In addition, many of the challenges ND children face are caused by barriers in a world that does not accommodate their needs and differences. For example, an ADHD child may need movement and experiential learning, but this may not be provided in a typical school when children (especially those who are undiagnosed) are expected to sit for long hours at a desk reading or listening.

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Getting a good picture of your child’s strengths and challenges is crucial to understanding and supporting them. Seeking multidisciplinary assessment from professionals such as OTs (occupational therapists), SLTs (speech and language therapists), psychologists and others can give you a broad picture of how your child manages across several domains. As a parent, you can also take time to consider your child’s strengths and needs in some different life areas.

Below are some to consider and there may be others you can think of as well.

1) Communication and social

Neurodivergent children often communicate differently to their neurotypical peers. Sometimes, they can be quiet or situationally mute and, sometimes, they can talk honestly “outside the social code”. Sometimes, they can be friendly and form relationships quickly, but, sometimes, this leaves them vulnerable when not in a supportive peer group. It is important to appreciate how your child communicates and to help them “find their tribe” where they are understood and accepted.

2) Executive function

Planning, prioritising and getting organised to complete tasks can be challenging, particularly for those with ADHD. This can result in long periods of procrastination, getting distracted, forgetting important things and consequential underperformance. As a parent you can support your child by establishing good routines, shared problem solving and working through planning strategies.

3) Attention and interests

Intense passions and interests are often important for autistic and ADHD children and represent the way they relax and enjoy themselves. These can include TV shows, video games, sport, music, history, collecting things and many others. While some autistic children might have a more fixed set of interests, some ADHD children might rapidly switch interests and move on quickly.

4) Impulsivity and energy

Some children can be energetic, active and impulsive. Sometimes, this can be experienced as physical overactivity and, other times, it can be mental restlessness and racing thoughts. While this can bring challenges it can also bring spirit, spontaneity and creativity. As a result of this activity, ND children are prone to burnout and meltdowns when they become overwhelmed.

5) Sensory differences

These include hypersensitivity to certain sounds or sights (eg, agitation at other people chewing) or needing certain sensory stimulation (eg, fidgeting or stimming) to keep focused. While such sensory differences can bring challenges, they can also bring a rich sensory experience of the world whether this is increased perception in nature or fresh inspiration in art or music.

6) Repetitions, tics and stims

Repetitive behaviours, tics and stims such as, hair twirling, rubbing hands, skin picking, twitching and pacing are common. These behaviours can increase during agitation and stress and are often important ways for a child to relax and regulate. Some children also need predictability and routines to manage the world and find it stressful when things change especially at short notice

7) Emotional processing

Children can experience and process emotions differently. Some find it hard to identify and describe emotions in the same way neurotypical peers and some feel positive and negative emotions intensely. Some might be very sensitive to rejection and can easily get upset.

8) Health and physical

Neurodivergent children are more likely to experience health and physical challenges such as autoimmune disorders, symptomatic hypermobility, chronic fatigue, irritable bowel syndrome, EDS [Ehlers-Danlos syndromes], fibromyalgia, as well as many others. It is very important to anticipate these physical needs which are often missed so your child can get the right treatment and support.

Building a map of your child’s world

Take a moment to identify your child strengths and challenges across the domains below. Try to get inside their mind and understand how they think, feel and see the world.

Communication: How does your child communicate with you? How do they get on with others socially?

Executive function: How does your child plan and organise themselves? How do they start and complete tasks?

Attention: What subjects/activities capture your child’s interest? What do they find hard to attend to?

Energy: Does your child act without thinking? How active and full of energy are they?

Sensory: What sensory experiences does your child like? Which ones do they find distressing?

Repetitions: What repetitive behaviours/ habits does your child have? What routines do they need?

Emotional: How does your child communicate their feelings? How do they regulate their emotions when upset?

Health: Does your child have health or physical needs? Do they have any other physical needs that may not be immediately obvious?

Other: What other strengths, needs and differences have you observed in your child? What other supports might they need? How are they coping with the challenges they face?

Building your relationship

As with all children, good parenting is primarily about establishing warm connected relationships and this is no different for neurodivergent children. You want your child to feel understood, affirmed and loved by you. You want them to feel listened to and that they can communicate with you about anything. And you want them to feel you are on their side and there for them no matter what.

There are lots of practical things you can do to create these warm connected relationships such as:

  1. Making sure you have daily connecting times when you enjoy each other’s company. For young children, these can be a daily playtime and for teens, they can be a chatting time when you are available to listen
  2. Finding ways to encourage and affirm your children
  3. Learning to pause and reduce the times, you communicate negatively to your children

For neurodivergent children, sometimes there can be blocks to connected relationships with their parents. Sometimes, children are so stressed by school and the outside world that this leads to challenging meltdowns at home. Sometimes, parents feel their role is to correct their child’s different behaviours which sets you up as a critical parent and only makes your child feel bad about themselves.

Learning to accept your children as they are and to be compassionate about the challenges they face transforms relationships. For example:

  • Rather than continuing an ongoing homework battle with your ADHD son, you can first prioritise the physical playtime he loves to have with you and do that first. You can also collaborate with the school to reduce formal homework and focus on projects that match his learning style.
  • Rather than putting demands on your autistic daughter to talk about school at mealtime which can provoke a meltdown, you can give her time to decompress and relax watching her videos. Later you can look for better opportunities to connect and chat to her.
  • Rather than correcting your son’s constant talk about his fantasy games, you can join in and find out more about them. You can use the games as a special way to connect with him and to understand his world.

Parenting Exceptional Children

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