Marian Keyes: I'll never forget Heatmageddon

The rains have finally come (sing hosannas!) but let us reflect on facts from from our recent Heatmageddon:

Mullingar twinned with Jeddah!

The N7 melted!

Four more Mister Whippy vans hijacked!

Marian Keyes: Write what ails you, put it in their mouth and they eat it

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Chic in the city – how to wear the straw bag beyond the beach

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End of a trend? Kylie Jenner removes her lip fillers

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Yet another red-haired child exploded!

Freckles rationed!

The Bog of Allen relaunched as a “Turf Sauna” and is now as famous as Iceland’s Blue Lagoon!

Here are my memories from the days when Ireland was in the grip of the hottest, most prolonged heatwave I've ever experienced.

At the start, our sun-starved nation was thrilled, and marched around our sticky tarmac streets, howling happy cries, of “Glorious!” and “Might as well make the most of it!” at our neighbours.

Relaxed

As it showed no signs of leaving, we tentatively relaxed in to it (I didn’t, but we’ll get to that) and did mad things like take the afternoon off work, get the togs out of the family vault and go swimming in the river Suck.

Night after night Jean Byrne stood up there in front of a map of Ireland and uttered the dread words, "The hot spell is set to continue for the foreseeable" on repeat. It was as if we'd accidentally swapped weather with Death Valley.

As June ticked over into July, we got water shortages, hose-pipe bans, silage scarcity, a dearth of Magnums, a petition to change the name of our country from Ireland to Hotland. And I was suffering. I don’t do well in the heat. I don’t do well in the bright. I am not built for this.

Trying to work, feeling queasy and faint in the muggy furnace, I did a most un-Irish thing – I opened a window. First of all I was assailed by bluebottles then a bird flew into the room, scaring the daylights out of me.

The only thing that’s helping me cope is the L’Occitane Icy Verbena collection. New and exciting, there’s a cooling minty shower gel that works on dry skin. To use less water! (Still has to be rinsed, but all the same.) Then there’s an icy body gel, which is fresh and cool and can be put in the fridge for extra coldness.

Cruel yellow ball

In addition, Breverton's Complete Herbal: A Book Of Remarkable Plants And Their Uses informs me that verbena, "deters midges, flies and other pests". (This probably covers bluebottles; I'm not so sure about birds.)

I’ll leave you on this note: apparently this summer isn’t going to be an aberration, it’s going to become the norm – our own fault, for overusing fossil fuels. And instead of loving it, we’re going to be lurking indoors, in whatever sliver of shade we can find, balefully glaring at the cruel yellow ball in the sky, wishing it would feck off.

This Icy Verbena range is a limited edition. Just saying. I’m already stockpiling . . .