Ask the Expert: Is my son too immature to cope with secondary school?

Q: My son is due to start in secondary school this September. I am particularly worried that he is a little immature and might struggle a bit. He has been very protected in a small primary school and the new school he is starting is bigger and farther away where he will know very few of the children.

I think he might find it hard to deal with the extra independence such as managing a diary and different class teachers as well as getting into a more pressured homework routine and making new friendships. He does not seem too worried about it all, though he is a boy who does not think things through.

I don't want to make a big issue of it but I am keen to make the transition go smoothly. Have you any suggestions?

A: Starting secondary school is certainly a big transition in the life of a child and you are right to think carefully as to how best help your son.

In the move from primary to secondary school, much more academic and social demands are put on children as they have to manage multiple teachers and the pressure of forthcoming State exams. In addition, the transition comes in the middle of adolescence when they are already dealing with the emotional turmoil that this brings, with the increased pressure to fit in with peer groups and to discover one’s own identity. Below are some steps you can take as a parent to help your son.

Get information in advance

Try to get as much information in advance about the new school to help you and your son prepare. For example, make sure you have a copy of the school timetable, the list of class teachers and book lists as well as information on possible extra curricular activities and support services such as guidance counselling.

Some schools provide good information packs to the parents of new children that you could avail of and some might provide an information evening also. There also may be a good parents’ association that you could contact.

In addition, the Institute of Guidance Counsellors (igc.ie) also have some excellent parent guides on issues related to starting secondary school.

Getting organised

The start of secondary school will require a higher degree of organisation on the part of your son. You can help him by establishing a good home routine that supports his new busy life at school.

This routine should include an early bedtime during the week, a good place to do homework and family rules, such as an insistence of doing homework early or a rule of getting his bag ready the day before as opposed to in the morning.

The routine should also include some leisure time and daily “chatting time” (see later) when you can check in on how he is doing and offer support. As this routine is so important you may wish to write it up on chart and pin it up alongside the school timetable where he does his homework.

This is a sample after-school schedule:

1. Pick up after school

2. Snack/sandwich

3. Homework

4. Get bag ready for classes in morning

5. Free time

6. Reading and bedtime

Have a daily check-in time

Try to make sure you have at least one daily “check in” time with your son when you can listen to how he is getting on in school and when you can support him with dealing with challenges. This could be on the way to or from school in the car, after homework or over a snack or dinner in the evening or just before bed etc. It works best if each parent has their own check in time, for example dad has time on the way to school and mum just after, etc.

In ensuring academic achievement, it also matters if you take a daily interest in his homework. For example, you can establish a ritual where you ask him to explain what he is covering in his homework before he starts and you review what he has done when he is finished.

Making friends

It is daunting for children starting a new secondary school where they know very few other children as is the case for your son. However, the good news is that they are almost never alone in this experience and there are always other children in the same boat. Usually, like your son these other children can be very open to making new friends.

You can help your son by identifying the other children in the classes who have just started and who might be open to being friends. If he is open, you can brainstorm ways he could approach these children. This could include going up and introducing himself, asking if the seat beside them is free at lunch or inviting them to play football, etc.

You can help directly by making some contact with the other family, offering the new student a lift home from school and facilitating a visit at home or to the cinema etc.

Extra curricular activities

It can really help the secondary transition if your son can identify one or two extra curricular activities in the school that he is keen on. This can make the school experience much more enjoyable and is also the best way to help him make friends.

Many children report that it is by participating in these activities that they make the best friends. Be open to considering a range of activities as the important thing is to find something your son enjoys and is passionate about. These could be traditional sports but also activities like debating, chess or drama.

Dr John Sharry is a social worker and psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus Programmes. He will be delivering a series of talks on Parenting Children and Teenagers in different locations from early October. See www.solutiontalk.ie for details.