Question: I am looking for advice for a particular problem I am facing with my son, who is 2½ years old. I am a single father and split up with his mother about one year ago.
His mother has only agreed to me seeing my son two days a week, for five hours each day – noon to 5pm. I have applied to court to try and get a judge to grant me more meaningful time with my son but the coronavirus has pushed the court dates back and it looks like it will be a year and a half before I get a hearing.
This feels too long. In the meantime, my question is how do you suggest I make the 10 hours a week count with me and my son to build a meaningful relationship?
Also, how do I deal with the fact he sometimes refuses to come with me on the days I am to collect him?
Answer: Your question highlights the many challenges of separated fathers who have limited contact with their young children. For you to have a meaningful relationship with your son – which is in his long-term interest – you need his mother's support to facilitate this. This is especially the case when he is only two years old and his mother is his primary attachment figure.
There is a lot of debate about whether babies and toddlers should spend equal amounts of time and overnights with both their parents when separated, given that moving between homes can be disruptive to attachment and especially when there is high conflict between the parents. While toddlers can equally attach to two parents and shared custody can work at very young ages, this requires a great amount of co-operation and willingness between two parents who have recently separated.
Pragmatically, sometimes the best approach is to aim for frequent but short bouts of quality contact that is supported by both parents, that increases over time to include overnights when the child and parents are ready.
Aim to reach agreement
The most important thing you can do is to co-operate and try to reach agreement with your son's mother about what is best for your son. While going to court can be part of this process, it can lead to increased conflict and delays are damaging. Do also look at other options such as going to family mediation or attending counselling or other services. Treoir.ie and onefamily.ie provide great information and therapeutic services for separated parents. One Family also run the parents plus parenting when separated course which can help you think through your options and gain support from other parents in similar situations.
Aim for creative child-centred options
Try to agree child-centred options with your son’s mother that might make contact go well. Keep focused on what is best for your son and ask questions such as: How can we arrange contact so that our son is comfortable? What can we do together to make sure he enjoys it? What is the best amount and type of contact for our son?
Here are some ideas:
– Rather than having two blocks of five hours, could you arrange more frequent shorter contact, that might be easier for your son, at least initially? Pick times that fit your son’s routine, when he is not tired etc.
– Rather than “taking him out” and away from his mother for contact, could you have some of the contact in her home, whereby you play with him in the same room with his mother. If he sees you and his mother getting on, this will make a great deal of difference in him feeling secure with you.
– Alternatively, could his mother take him to your home for contact? This might make him more comfortable especially if his mother can stay for a few minutes and see the two of you getting on.
– Another option is to arrange contact to start in another place such as a grandparent’s home (if your son knows this family member well) or in a neutral venue such as a playground (though this is weather dependent).
Try to agree a contact plan with his mother for how you will respond when he is reluctant to go. This might include taking a pause to reassure him, spending more time with him and his mother together or even making sure contact starts with something he really likes to do, for example his favourite meal or a special game he loves or a trip to the playground.
Have a plan for contact times
It is useful to think through a detailed plan for contact time to make sure it goes well when he is with you alone. Think through what a two year old might need to feel comfortable and happy. This might mean you have options such as:
– Playtime, have some creative toys in your home that he looks forward to.
– Mealtime, think through what you will feed him.
– Outdoor time, going out for a walk, visiting a park or playground.
– Reading or music time, having quieter activities are important part of routine.
While it can be challenging to co-parent after separation and it can take time for arrangements to settle, the important thing is to persist and not give up. Maintaining contact as a parent is often hardest when children are very young but things are likely to get better as your son gets older. As discussed above, do reach out and get support from professionals and parents going through similar challenges.
– Dr John Sharry is a social worker, psychotherapist and co-developer of the Parents Plus programmes. He has published 14 books including, Parenting when Separated – helping your children cope and thrive. See solutiontalk.ie