Tweens: on a wobbly bridge between childhood and adolescence

A new partnership between the world’s largest dedicated toy retailer and a popular jewellery and accessories chain is a telling reflection of the changing face of childhood: girls are putting toys aside and embracing the trappings of fashion at an ever-younger age.

Last month's announcement by Toys R Us that it was to open Claire's Accessories outlets within its shops, both in the US and Europe, was described by the Wall Street Journal as "broadening its offerings for tween girls beyond toys and videogames".

The phenomenon of “tweens” – youngsters who feel they’re too old to be called children but have yet to hit the teenage years – has its roots in such marketing speak. Girls “too old for toys but too young for boys” were seen as a commercial entity to be targeted.

But has it since become a more widely accepted stage of growth – best described, perhaps, as a wobbly bridge between childhood and adolescence?

Certainly there was no talk of tweens when John Lonergan was growing up but he thinks it's a pertinent categorisation of children nowadays.

"Age 10 to 12, in 2014, is a particular, significant period," says the former governor of Mountjoy Prison and author of Parenting: Raising Your Child in Ireland Today. Children are being influenced by peers and culture outside the family at an ever-earlier age.

As a result, he believes “tweens” are less inclined to co-operate with parents and don’t want any supervision. Yet, “they are still children in every way – except in their own little minds”.

Clinical psychologist Sarah O’Doherty is not sure that tweens warrant a place as a separate group in terms of development, unlike toddlers and teenagers when there are very obvious behavioural issues and physical changes. The evolutionary development trajectory doesn’t alter much, she points out. As a parent, it is about understanding the changes that are going on at this age so you can meet them – “rather than labelling them and creating a group around them”.

However she agrees that a lot of “tweens” appear older than their age now – “they dress like older children and are all dolled up” – and as a result there is a tendency for adults to overestimate their maturity. And because they are usually better at operating digital technology than their parents, that’s taken as a mark of intelligence.

But they are still very concrete- thinking children, she stresses. They don’t have the mental flexibility to think about complex, emotional issues.

“That is why there are so many difficulties with girls in fifth and sixth class. They are not very good at taking the perspective of others but they are really good at saying nasty things.”

Question of freedom

O’Doherty believes there are dangers in the way we parent tweens now, restricting their freedom yet treating them more like adults in other ways. They are not permitted to get the bus or walk home by themselves in case they’re “stolen”, she points out, but they are allowed to put on a full face of make-up. So in one part of their lives they are prevented from growing up normally, while in another part they are being fast-tracked.

Marketing and communications consultant Sheena Horgan, author of Candy-Coated Marketing, says children have always aspired to being older than they are but today's media-saturated world is facilitating that.

“Everything in our environment is increasing the speed at which they grow up – pushing them to grow up that bit quicker, so the eight-year-old behaves like a nine- or 10-year-old and a 12-year-old behaves like a 14- or 15-year-old.

“The boundaries are much more fluid,” she says. “The idea of television having a 9pm watershed is a joke in many regards.”

Although adamant that tweens are "a marketing creation", the reality, she agrees, is that the differences between, say, an eight-year-old and a 12-year-old are huge. And we are all familiar with the Alice in Wonderland effect at primary schools, when sixth-class pupils seem to outgrow their surroundings after the turn of the year.

“Tweens are probably that difficult age, where they are going from playing to hanging out,” Horgan says. There is also a tipping point where the power of influence seems to start to shift from parents to peers.

“All child psychologists would argue that parents are the primary influence for kids of any age, even for teenagers,” she says, but at the ages of 10, 11 and 12 they want to be part of the group and not stand out. This is the start of establishing a sense of self, which becomes much bigger in teenage years, explains O’Doherty.

“The big thing for children at this age is to be accepted by the group and to get positive feedback about themselves from parents, school and the group.”

They need to feel competent and that they can do things, so they need to be given things to do and opportunities to excel, with plenty of positive feedback.

Girls ahead of boys

It is also important, she says, for parents to remember that, broadly speaking, girls are developmentally and cognitively about two years ahead of boys at this stage. However, they are all different, she stresses: “In fifth class you get one girl who looks 15 and one who looks seven.”

While tweens can undoubtedly struggle when they no longer fit into a children’s world but are not quite ready to be a teenager, it can be tough on parents too.

“It’s a very paradoxical kind of time and I think parents feel it,” says Horgan. They may glimpse their child looking vulnerable and be reminded they are still so young, yet at other times, their offspring’s stroppy behaviour is a taste of what’s to come in the teenage years when they will grow away from their parents.

“Teenagehood doesn’t suddenly arrive,” agrees O’Doherty. Changes are building up, and they’re starting in the tween years. “You are going to see little reminders of what’s ahead.”

But just because a tween behaves like a teen, doesn’t mean there isn’t still a little child within who needs to be handled with care.

“It’s a very sensitive age,” says Lonergan, who will be giving a talk at a free parenting seminar in Dún Laoghaire, Co Dublin, next Tuesday (see story, right).

However, age is not a great categorisation, he continues, and it would be a mistake to think that every single 10-year-old is at the same stage in life.

But he believes it is a crucial time for parent-child communication. Don’t fall into the trap, he advises parents, of dispensing with casual chatting and turning every conversation into instructions or an interrogation: Where are you going? When will you be back?

“I keep encouraging parents not to confront,” he adds, and to be reasonable in accepting that the world and your child are changing. “Be there as a crutch; be there to encourage and be there to listen.”

swayman@irishtimes.com

You know there’s a tween in the house when . . .

Constant chatter begins to dry up

Appearance and clothes take on a new importance

Views of your child’s peers start to colour family life

Receiving “back chat” becomes an occupational hazard

Any suggestion of a “fun” activity is met with a roll of the eyes

It’s a toss-up whether they’ll enter into the spirit of a playground or skulk in the corner

You find yourself three paces ahead or behind your child out walking, never abreast