PROBLEM: I am a young woman who feels she is only coming into her own now. I do not live at home but my siblings are still at home with my father and mother. The issues that are ongoing at home are hugely affecting my own mental health as well as my mother's and my siblings'. My father's mental health is not good. I am starting to suffer panic attacks and bursts of anxiety thinking about the situation at home. I have huge guilt for moving out and I feel I've abandoned my mother and want to rescue her at all costs.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my father with all my heart but I am fed up with his mental state. My father’s physical health has never been good and he has gone through a lot, but in the past 10 years his mental health has deteriorated and has affected everyone around him. He suffers from severe depression and loneliness. We have done what we can to help him but he refuses to get professional help. He suffers from terrible anxiety and always acts like he is being attacked, which leads to verbal abuse to all of us. I’m am sick to death of him always playing the victim and wanting us to feel sorry for him.
My mother has said numerous times she wishes she could leave him but cannot as she feels sorry for him and is worried that he may harm himself. She also would have nowhere to live and would lose everything (even though she works full time).
He always makes my mother feel guilty for going to work and meeting her one friend once a week. He criticises her and accuses her of everything you can imagine. He has never had a good relationship with any of my siblings and blames everything on them.
When I was 17 and staying in my friend’s house he phoned me and told me he was going to kill himself and the phone call ruined my life. He didn’t do it, obviously. That was 10 years ago. No matter what we try to say or do he will not get help and threatens us if we try to call the gardaí or an ambulance. He acts like he is better than everyone else too, and lies an unbelievable amount. Recently he has been acting bizarrely and doing things in the middle of the night and I am really worried he is going to hurt my family.
ADVICE: This is a situation requiring immediate action. It sounds as though your family has tried many things but are now left feeling trapped and caught between anger and sympathy. Your father's mental health needs attention and his threats and abusive behaviour should not stop the family from addressing this growing problem.
Loving him does not mean acquiescing to his fear of treatment – in fact love might require you all to have the courage to get him into the mental health services. You say there have been times when the family have considered calling the gardaí or ambulance and this type of crisis might instigate an acute entry into the mental health services and begin the support that is needed.
Another consideration is your mother's desire to leave your father. This might also provoke a crisis that could instigate help. It is not true that your mother would lose everything but if she continues in her current state, she may be putting her own wellbeing at risk. There are many agencies that support women who are in trouble in their families and these may offer advice and support over this traumatic period, (womensaid.ie).
You say that your father has physical health difficulties and I wonder if the family GP could be a resource to you all at this time. As your father attends for his physical needs, he could be approached regarding his mental state and appropriate referrals sourced. If the whole family gets behind this approach and is determined that the situation will not continue, it will be very difficult for your father to refuse.
However, he has a long history of resistance and as an adult he has the right to refuse treatment, so it may happen that the family have to stand by their position and ask him to leave. This can be done through the courts, and various protection and restraining orders or separation procedures can be instigated. At all times help will be offered to him and it may be that he will not accept this until the situation is critical.
Your whole family are suffering anxiety and trauma and you will need support in order to survive what is about to happen. I suggest that all of you attend family therapy (familytherapyireland.com) and of course invite your father to these sessions. If he refuses, the rest of the family should still get professional support and advice for what lies ahead.
