Paddy Logue on . . . first-world grumpiness

I was told recently that I’m turning into a grumpy old man at the age of 41¾. I invariably mull over such comments and let them get to me a bit. I think about them over and over, all day, all weekend, even while lying in a half-sleep staring at the ceiling. I talk to Tadhg about them and he twitches his eyebrows in agreement or gives the odd side glance with his big dark eyes when he’s not sure or afraid to disagree. Am I old? I might mumble. (Twitch). It is relative. The kids, the kids’ friends, and my work colleagues with birthdays in the 1990s presumably look at my grey hairs and hear my talk of a time before the internet and conclude that I am in fact very old. Statistically, however, I’m exactly middle-aged. So that’s that. Am I grumpy? The dog’s not sure, but I think that I might be and Tadhg is just being polite.

So I begin to make a list in my head of the things that really piss me off. I discover, to my surprise, but not to the surprise of those around me, that there are enough irksome things to fill an entire column in this magazine. So I suppose there’s the answer. Anyway here they are:

I dislike intensely the way phones light up to tell you the battery is just about to go out of charge. People who walk into lifts before you get out really get my goat. I am pretty sure these are the same people who, in different circumstances, would start world wars or end up the subject of true crime documentaries. The kind of people who keep to themselves.

Short people, people who are even shorter than me, who insist on using umbrellas on busy city streets and then nearly poke my eye out. People who insist on using umbrellas when it’s not really raining. Unexpected items in the bagging area, verified by Visa, reminders to change your password when the old one is just fine, when just one earphone stops working. Oh my word, there are so many annoying things in this world.

Myths about Ireland that a) may not be true and b) who cares? For example: We are the friendliest nation on the planet, we are the most popular nation on the planet, we have the sexiest accent on the planet, Dublin's O'Connell Street is the widest shopping street in Europe. We are punching above our weight in various spheres, including sport. Begorrah. Holding an Irish passport will get you out of most scrapes, largely because of the above. Sure, how could you hurt a little friendly Irishman or Irishwoman whose capital boasts the widest street in the entire universe?

People who call wheels tyres, ceilings roofs, who say presently when they mean now and that they'll "just have one of yours" when you get a bag of chips. You know who you are. Jobs taskforces, inquiries, subcommittees, blueprints, 10-point plans, interdepartmental, cross-functional bodies of any kind. Hoovers when you're watching telly. People who hold their knives like a pencil and their forks like they're stabbing something to death. Slow walking people on footpaths or train platforms, people who post selfies to social media just to show off new soft furnishings in the background and people who give out about other people's Facebook pages but just can't look away. Icecream vans that drive past your house with their jingle switched on when it's the kids' bedtime. Taxis that leave their rooflight switched on when they're booked or on the way home.

People who turn up for flights, check in, go through security but can’t get it together to get to the departure gate on time. The people who start to queue at the gate long before it is even possible to get on the aircraft. They annoy me to high heaven, but not quite as much as those who refuse to get up until the ground handling staff are about to close the glass door and go home for tea. In-flight magazines. Taking off. Landing. Sick bags. Seats that are not in the upright position.

Those who sit on the outside seat of a crowded commuter train or leave their bags on the outside seat of a crowded commuter train. I am going to go out of my way to sit beside you buddy.

Channel 4+1 and all other television channels which move the clock by an hour. Is that an hour ahead or an hour behind? Shouldn’t it be Channel 4 minus one? Similarly annoying is talk of head transplants when folk surely mean to talk about body transplants. Think about it.

Buzzwords and phrases such as body of work, blue sky thinking, down in the weeds, rinse and repeat, bottom-up approach.

People who use natural disasters in other parts of the world to belittle first-world problems. Unwarranted and unbridled positivity. Unwarranted and unbridled negativity.