Valentine’s Day getting you down? Imagine it’s your birthday too

Every year on Valentine's Day my thoughts turn to Kevin Keegan. Not in a romantic way, you understand, as I've never been fond of a low centre of gravity, and Newcastle United was a very low centre of gravity.

I think of Kevin Keegan because wherever we were, Hamburg or Manchester or London or Dublin, myself and Kevin have always torn open the wrapping paper and opened the cards at more or less the same time.

Obviously, we have done that separately and Kevin has probably always been too wrapped up in all the celebrations to give me a thought, but our Valentine’s Day birthdays have always been a sort of double celebration.

And so this Valentine’s Day, like every Valentine’s Day I can remember, I will also think of Kevin Keegan. This list is for him.

Reasons to be fearful at having your birthday on Valentine’s Day

• You can't go out. It is your birthday but the restaurants have been pulled apart to offer skinny tables for two. A raucous group of family and friends being loud over a cake would just spoil everyone's mojo. There is no romance in raucousness – believe me I've tried to marry the two.
• There are 364 other days to have a birthday every year, yet you got the one day when anyone you invite out to celebrate can't come. They will be too busy going for dinner with their significant other (who is obviously more important than you are, Ms Birthday Girl) or the whole day annoys them and they are in no mood to join you. Either way, consider yourself dumped.
• You don't get flowers. They are too expensive on February 14th. Better to wait.
• Chocolates too. Although there will be a sale tomorrow.
• Actually, that is it. The rest is quite nice – and Kevin Keegan would probably agree.

Reasons to be cheerful having your birthday on Valentine’s Day

• You were not called Valentine. Not that your parents didn't consider it, it is just that the names starting with V were too far back in the baby names book. Sometimes you can only read so far.
• You don't have to be the centre of attention. You even get to buy a present for someone else. Without coming over all Mother Theresa, that is actually quite nice.
• Whenever you turned up at school on the the big day of love and the mean girls asked you how many cards you got you could say 20. You were not technically lying. It was the gift that kept on giving.
• The person who delivers your post thinks you are gorgeous. February 14th is a busy day through your letterbox, it is jammers. Keep them guessing - and never answer the door in person.
• Even as the number of birthday cards I get dwindles due to a decrease in relatives and a decrease in card-buying, my mantel piece always overfloweth on my big day. No one needs to know it's just other people's cards propping up the statistics.

Happy Valentine’s Day Kevin!