Little hills, big hunks

It grieves me to note that, as the closing date looms, only three Irish counties have failed (at time of writing) to secure even a single nomination in this paper’s Best Place to Holiday in Ireland competition. The other 29 have so far amassed a combined 350 votes. Only Carlow, Longford, and my own county of origin, Monaghan, remain wallflowers.

I suspect that, even now, somebody in Borris or Bagenalstown is rectifying part of this situation. On the western foothills of the Blackstairs Mountains, tourism promoters have probably already sounded the old rallying cry – “Follow me and big-up Carlow”. A late flood of nominations from that quarter would be no surprise.

Even poor Longford must have prospects. Just last week I was talking to a man from the county who called it “Ireland’s best-kept secret”. And I had to agree with him that, as restricted information goes, Longford’s attractions are on a par with the final resting place of Shergar.

Still, they do include the River Shannon. So if the discretion of the natives can't be breached, there must be boat-trippers from elsewhere who have experienced the joys of a lost weekend in Lanesborough and will yet share them with Irish Times readers.

It’s Monaghan I worry about. The crippling modesty of its locals is well summed up in their nickname for the local topology: The County of the Little Hills. And that – admittedly accurate – description also highlights the traditional difficulty of attracting visitors.

The county’s tourist brochure used to blame the romantic poets of the early 18th century for its neglect by tourists. Which was at least original. Specifically, the romantics were said to have created the fashion for seeking geographical extremes on holiday: whether Alpine heights or Byron’s “rapture of a lonely shore”.

And no doubt they did, with the result that lonely shores are often heavily overcrowded now. But then again, it was the romantics’ generation who invented tourism in general. So if it’s because of them that we equate escape with sea and mountains, well, there was never a fashion for anything else.

It’s not, by the way, that Monaghan is devoid of outstanding natural beauty. There’s an area around Lough Muckno in Castleblayney, for example, that has been called “the Killarney of the North”, with some justice. From certain viewpoints, the arrangement of land and water is indeed strikingly reminiscent of the Co Kerry lakes.

What is undeniably missing, however, is Macgillycuddy’s Reeks on the horizon. If you’re used to Killarney, it’s like looking at a film set where somebody has forgotten to paint the backdrop.

And there is Monaghan’s dilemma. The scenery, even around Lough Muckno, is too gentle. With the possible exception of the Blayney Faughs football team, which might occasionally be in shot, it lacks the savagery so highly prized by travel writers.

Counties like Monaghan will never compete with Connemara or Kerry for scenery. That’s why their marketeers need to be a bit more creative. In which vein, if I were Monaghan Tourism, I would now be heavily promoting another area of outstanding natural beauty: Tommy Bowe’s torso.

Located in Emyvale – sometimes – it was a fairly well-kept secret until a recent TV programme, Body Check . Now the amenity, with its breath-taking views, has been brought to national attention. I believe some women are calling it the "Rob Kearney of the North".

Tommy would be an ideal ambassador for Monaghan tourism. If nothing else, the place would start attracting large numbers of hen parties. But of course it may be that he’s too busy, or expensive, to take on the role.

In which case, I suggest the marketeers could exploit his current popularity by promoting Monaghan man, in general. “There’s a lot more where that came from” could be the slogan. I’m willing to make myself available for promotional work, if necessary.

But wait! Such desperate measures may not be required after all. Even as I type these lines, a new batch of nominations for the tourism competition has just arrived. And not only have Carlow and Longford, as predicted, got their acts together. But – lo! – I’m told that even Monaghan has at last secured a nomination.

So the ultimate indignity has been averted. Perhaps the Tommy Bowe effect is already working. Or maybe Lonely Planet has tipped drumlin-climbing as the hot new tourist trend for 2013. If so, you can still get in ahead of the crowd, at least in our competition (irishtimes.com/bestplace). The closing date for nominations is April 20th.

fmcnally@irishtimes.com