Mystery aircraft and mystery meetings spark wild surmises

Dail Sketch: Enda Kenny is right. We can't have unidentified aircraft flying all over Irish cities with the Taoiseach's name hanging out the back.

What was it about? A movie? Independence Day 2 - Bertie Saves the World ? Star Trek - the Bertie Years? Sadly, the star himself said he knows "absolutely nothing" about it, "good, bad or indifferent". Even if the sign clearly read, "Thank you, Bertie". But someone had to get permission, file a flight path, insisted the Fine Gael leader. Wouldn't it interest the Taoiseach to find out where this plane came from? "It would", said Bertie, with as much conviction as a pound of mince.

Was it the brother who organised it, pressed Enda? (That's Maurice, busy defending the little brother wherever you turned yesterday.) The Ceann Comhairle reckoned that the Minister for Transport was the man he should be asking. Pat Rabbitte thought the Minister for Defence. NATO was mentioned.

But as Bertie won't have to answer another nasty Dáil question until the autumn, we will probably remain none the wiser about the generous creature who thinks Bertie did so well, or at what. Or why he couldn't just confine himself to saying it straight to the beloved's face.

Could it have been Bertie's reward for "things delivered in south Kerry", wondered Enda again? This was a taster for yesterday's tremendous display of interest in the "nature of the agreement or understanding" between the Government and Deputies Healy-Rae, Fox and Blaney.

Was the Taoiseach taking out an each-way bet on the PDs becoming "discomfited," asked Pat Rabbitte. "The Tánaiste appears half-detached from Government and Michael McDowell is as happy as Willy Wonka in a chocolate factory." "Or Harry Potter in Hogwarts," added Enda.

All the "mollycoddling" of "selected Independent Deputies" was odd since there was no necessity for it, said Pat. "I don't want to say who is in the Government's sights. . .", replied Bertie. But the arrangement is "less formal" now, he said (and here's good news for the taxpayer), "it's part of an individual's job".

So what exactly goes on at these meetings between the "individual" and the chosen few? Probably discussions about PPPs, European convergence, globalisation. . . all the high-powered stuff, drawled Bernard Durkan and Pat Rabbitte in a comic pincer movement. Or was it - cue Jaws soundtrack - road and rail services and "promises made in relation to delivery", planning permissions or major investments ? "If it's purely an informal meeting, what exactly does it do? Is it a kind of love-in where they look into each other's eyes?", asked Bernard. "Counselling", said Pat. "A bit like meetings between you and Minister Hanafin," said Bertie, sweetly.

All was sweetness and light as each of the leaders wished health and happiness to Liam Fitzgibbon, the much-respected Editor of Debates in Leinster House, on his retirement after 30 years. Everyone was happy. Hols on the horizon. Fine Gael had had a good morning. Then John Deasy pressed a button. . .Someone cocked up. The question is who?