Ballot Capers with Hugh Linehan: Runners and riders

Runners and riders

Welcome back to Irish Election Rides, the "blog for voters of all known genders and sexualities", which is inviting users to vote for the candidate they consider the most . . . well, this is The Irish Times so let's say pulchritudinous, in General Election 2016. "We're just going to go ahead and assume you're mature enough not to exercise a vote based solely on a candidate's looks. That's just silly," say the site's managers. Well, yes, although Justin Bieber lookalike Jimmy Dignam (Workers Party, Dublin North West) will surely be delighted to be sitting in pole position right now. Meanwhile Leo Varadkar has been voted the politician most Irish people would like to go on a Valentine's date with, according to a survey by mobile operator iD. Some 21 per cent would choose the saturnine Castleknock doctor, with 12 per cent preferring the grizzled charms of Sinn Féin leader Gerry Adams. In a blow to former teachers everywhere, Enda Kenny and Micheál Martin trail in at 9 per cent and 8 per cent respectively, while Joan Burton will surely be disappointed to have received a measly 5 per cent of the votes for female dates, well behind Lucinda Creighton, pictured, (18 per cent), Mary Lou McDonald (15 per cent) and Clare Daly (12 per cent).

Tongue and cheek

Isn’t technology liberating? One of the new features in this election is the wide range of different websites where you can check who your local candidates are and what their positions are on every issue imaginable. Anybody can list themselves as a candidate on most of these sites, but one first-timer, who can be found everywhere from WhichCandidate.ie to irishtimes.com, has been raising a few eyebrows. Aislinn Tongue, who describes herself as “a massage therapist, originally from Thailand”, is standing in Cork North-Central. “Vote for me because I am different and will get things done for you, Cork and Ireland,” she states on WhichCandidate.ie. “I will bring SEXY to the Dáil and get noticed.”

The Evening Echo reports that little is known of Ms Tongue, “who has declined to speak publicly thus far.” However, the Irish Council Against Blood Sports, which has been contacting candidates for their views in recent days, had a little more luck, getting this response to its query about animal rights: “I am totally in favor of fox hunting, hare coursing, animals in wildlife parks, zoos, aquariums, circus, pet shops etc, rabbit snaring, shooting fish and have been lobbied by a group of my voters to legalise badger baiting.”

“This is so unbelievable I thought it was a hoax when it heard about it earlier today,” anti-bloodsports campaigner John Fitzgerald said. “I still wonder if Aislinn Tongue is a real person. Could she be an invention?”

We emailed Ms Tongue to enquire if she was in fact a real person, but received no response.

Don’t mess with the Boss

He has been quite the troublemaker for the Labour Party and poor old Alan Kelly did not get the ringing endorsement he would have wanted from his dear leader yesterday. Asked if she would be willing to re-appoint Mr Kelly back to cabinet, Tánaiste Joan Burton, left, (possibly still smarting from the result of that iD poll) said: “It is early days and all I can say that is we will address issues in relation to who or might not be appointed to any particular job in government after the general election and negotiations. We are very confident about being back in government but I think the old Catholic catechism had a sin called presumption. It would be wrong to assume anything.”

Best start saying your prayers Alan . . .

Eagle-eyed Smith

There were palpitations in Pyongyang last night at the news that Fianna Fáil’s Brendan Smith has denounced North Korea’s launch this week of a new long-range rocket. Kim Jong Un will surely be reconsidering now that the eyes of Cavan-Monaghan are upon him.