Look away now: The Conservative Party conference is on

Good morning.

We start this morning with some free advice.

If you are a Minister or a Taoiseach dealing directly with Brexit (Yes, Messers Coveney, Donohoe, Varadkar) or a senior official guiding the ship of state in the background or a journalist trying to make sense of the British position or indeed a concerned Irishman or woman who pays attention to these matters: do not, on any account, tune in the Conservative Party conference, currently under way amid Birmingham’s ancient arches and dreaming spires.

It will not do your mental equilibrium any good, and as we are all tediously advised these days, you must mind your mental health, whatever that means.

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Symptoms of exposure to the Tory conference include holding your head in your hands and sobbing, banging your head against a wall or shouting “BUT THEY ARE THE ONES LEAVING” and “THE NORTH IS DIFFERENT, THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE GOOD FRIDAY AGREEMENT” at passing strangers. Should you find yourself experiencing any of these symptoms, on no account should you share your feelings, or attempt to talk to someone about it. Just shut up and get on with things.

So everyone should avoid Denis Staunton’s report from the conference today. Here’s a couple of the “highlights”–

Britain is willing to listen to “alternative ways” of delivering Brexit as negotiations with the European Union move into their final phase, Brexit secretary Dominic Raab has told the Conservative Party conference. “If the EU want a deal, they need to get serious. And they need to do it now,” he said.

If you must, here is the report.

And wait - get this - Boris Johnson arrives today. Please excuse us while we go down and lie in a darkened room. (Not difficult as it actually still dark outside).

Honestly, our advice is sound. There will be lots of roaring and shouting and chest beating and flag waving in Birmingham. That is for the Tory troops. Nobody with any sense in Brussels or Dublin will pay too much heed to it. The important week is next week when negotiations resume, and it will be quickly apparent if they are serious.

Elsewhere, Simon Carswell reports on the current state of the negotiations.

Our editorial writers have not taken our advice, alas. They are exercised about Jeremy Hunt's speech on Sunday, where he compared the EU to the Soviet Union.

Rather a lot of people in central and eastern Europe, who actually lived under the Soviet Union, also corrected Mr Hunt.

Show us the money (I)

Back home, and the presidential campaign is picking up pace. Joan Freeman launched her campaign yesterday and spent much of the ensuing press conference dealing with questions about the funding of her campaign.

Harry McGee is on form and reports that it “panned out more like the final scenes of a Barbara Cartland novel than the launch of a presidential campaign. If you read the blurb it goes something like this: A generous loan from a mystery businessman reveals a chance encounter with a long lost love in the shade of a gigantic pyramid”.

Who knew Harry was so familiar with the works of Dame Barbara?

Sean Gallagher was also out and about. Gavin Duffy unveils his campaign this morning.

What of Michael D? Well, he was at the launch of breastfeeding week in the Áras yesterday. What about campaign events? Word reaches us he will meet some canvassers today and travel to Cork on Thursday for campaign events. And he’s in Derry on Saturday for presidential (as opposed to electoral) engagements. You can see how tricky this all is.

No doubt Michael D will be keen to facilitate the media at every opportunity; seeing the monstering the other candidates are getting, he will want his fair share. Actually, there were a few stories in the Sunday papers - plastered across the front page of two of them - that will not have warmed hearts in the Áras. Most revolved around money.

Show us the money (II)

It’s been remarkably quiet in the budget negotiations, even if the position hasn’t been quite so harmonious behind closed doors (is it ever?).

But as we report today, most budget bilaterals - the decisive meetings between Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe and Ministers from each spending department that settle the department’s budget for next year - have been concluded. Just (you guessed it) health and housing remain to be settled this week. Also the talks with Fianna Fáil are proceeding swimmingly by all accounts.

The deadline is Friday, but officials are expecting a long weekend. Fiach Kelly reports on yet more warnings about the need for prudence, this time from the Oireachtas Budget Office, while we also have a guide to the last week of budget wrangling.

Best reads

Peter Murtagh's lead story today reveals that Navy ships were unable to sail last week because of crew shortages.

Economist Jim O'Leary considers the qualified success of the property tax.

And Fintan weighs in on Brett Kavanaugh. He's quite sympathetic, saying that Trump's nominee has been traduced and misunderstood. Only joking.

A week from the Budget, Fiona Reddan has an interesting analysis by PWC on the impact of tax changes since the recession hit. Higher earners have been hardest hit, she says. And the "squeezed middle"? Not so squeezed, would you believe.

The Guardian's coverage of the Tory conference is not exactly sympathetic, but it is good.

While the Telegraph leads with the splendid news the DUP says it would work with Boris Johnson if he became PM. That's something to look forward to.

Playbook

The Cabinet meets this morning when it will approve the text of the abortion legislation and also, Fiach Kelly reports, give the go ahead for a new ¤600 million ring road in Galway.

Presidential candidates are on manoeuvres.

In the Dáil, Leaders' Questions at 2pm starts the day, followed by the order of business for the week, Taoiseach's oral questions and the orals to Minister for Culture Josepha Madigan. Full schedule is here, along with the exciting highlights from the Seanad and the committees.

The PDFORRA conference will pile pressure on the Government for improved pay for soldiers.

And Fine Gael will have to deal with last night's breaking news that Louth TD Peter Fitzpatrick has left the party, eroding the Government's wafer-thin majority.

So if you are an unaligned independent TD, prepare for the chief whip to be even nicer to you. But even if you are not, do make sure to have an utterly, thoroughly fruity day.