Biffo tells gasping Dáil there's no such thing as a bailout

DÁIL SKETCH:Taoiseach insists Bailout Boys from abroad are merely dropping by for some 'engagement'

THE EMU has landed.

It’s all about the euro, stupid. It’s why the Men in Suits are arriving here today to run the rule over our books.

Not a bailout, so?

No such thing, bristles Biffo. That’s what he told a gasping Dáil and two senior officials from the British embassy in the distinguished visitors’ gallery who were taking notes with alarming speed.

Nor are there any negotiations going on with the Bailout Boys.

It’s just “technical” stuff, insisted the Taoiseach, as his own backbenchers scrunched up their faces in despair.

Anyway, it’s the fault of “the markets” for creating this difficult situation for the euro, and unfortunate that when a big economic squeeze is imminent the markets go in search of the choicest lemons.

No wonder our leaders looked so haunted yesterday.

They are now contriving to feel very hard done by. Throughout the day, in Leinster House and on the airwaves, our governing lemons, from the Taoiseach down, put out the message that their handling of the economy had been nothing short of impeccable since they banjaxed it.

If Brian Cowen’s performance in the Dáil was jaw-dropping for its bloody-minded insistence that the Bailout Boys are merely dropping by for some “engagement” and to conduct a routine check-up, Frank Fahey delivered a tour de force on radio.

The Taoiseach’s loyal lieutenant was in such an upbeat state of sunny denial we feared he might be removed to hospital to have the party line surgically removed from his toes.

Speaking on Newstalk’s Breakfast Show, Frank began: “Well. I think we’re in a pretty good position . . . the Government have handled this situation well in that we now have the various players coming to Ireland tomorrow to look at the structure of our banking situation . . .”

When the Government asks, the “players” jump.

Fahey stressed that Ireland would play its part “in ensuring the continuing strength of the euro . . . This is a euro issue.”

Or a ransom note.

Fianna Fáil’s Frank couldn’t speak highly enough of the lemons. “For the last 2½ years Brian Cowen and Brian Lenihan have taken all the right actions . . . We’ve done all the right things.”

Off microphone, a guest seemed to be hyperventilating. Fine Gael’s Brian Hayes. Mad as hell. “It’s a pile of shit, Frank,” he snorted, “and you don’t believe it.” All over the country, people drew closer to their radios and cheered.

The Greens went missing. Dan Boyle issued a plaintive tweet about trust and uncertainty. Nobody paid much attention.

Back in the Dáil, Biffo was getting very frustrated with the Opposition and their questioning of his non-bailout/non-negotiating mantra.

And we harked back to happier days when we had no such thing as a recession either. It took months and months for the Taoiseach to utter the R word. He’s at it now with the B word.

Cabinet members drifted away – Hanafin, Martin among them – until the faithful four remained: Cowen, Coughlan, Dempsey and Ahern. Éamon Ó Cuív departed, in deep negotiations with Jackie Healy-Rae.

Pat Rabbitte exited the chamber in disgust. “This is calamitous. I can’t listen anymore. The banks are going to cannibalise the country.”

Have faith (even if some Fianna Fáil backbenchers, privately, have lost it). For if all goes to plan, those Europeans in denial will take their courage in both hands and allow plucky Ireland rescue their single currency.

Whether or not Gunther and Gaston like it, we will force Brussels to bow to our demands for “financial assistance”. They may resist, but the money is there and by God we will force them to make us take it. We will emerge as heroes when Europe capitulates.

Brian has a cunning plan. Mess with the big boys at your peril, eurocrats. The Taoiseach played minor hurling for Offaly.

Meanwhile, the Minister for Finance was in Brussels seeking to spare his Government’s blushes at this difficult time. It was encouraging to hear him concentrating on the good news (and buttering up the Brits, who are keen to give us a dig-out).

“The engagement now takes place,” declared Lenihan.

Yes indeed, wonderful news from Buckingham Palace. All the best to William and Kate in their forthcoming nuptials. They were so right to delay their marriage plans: housing is much more affordable for young couples now.

The Government plans to give them Louth as a wedding present. Just to spite Gerry Adams.

And it’ll please the IMF too.