Big Ian's visit takes place on day of historic disharmony

DÁIL SKETCH:AMID SCENES of unfettered roaring, history was made in Leinster House yesterday.

“This will not impress the wider population,” trembled Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin – as well he might – for Ian Paisley, in the flesh, was beaming across at him from the visitors’ gallery.

The Sinn Féin TD could have been referring to the presence of the former DUP leader in Dáil Éireann (a historic first), but he wasn’t. Caoimhghín and his colleagues didn’t mind that. They applauded when the Ceann Comhairle welcomed Big Ian and his wife Eileen to the chamber. Even the pigs circling overhead clapped their trotters.

No. Deputy Ó Caoláin was in a lather over the Government’s risible attempt to pull the wool over the electorate’s eyes by pretending it’s business as usual in the Dáil next week.

A seven-day recess was planned until some of the brighter Government TDs realised how bad this looked. So a makey-up working week consisting of a day and a half of waffle – no question time, no votes, no order of business – is now going to take place.

TDs will come in and fill time by reading statements on various bits of legislation and no one will pay a blind bit of notice to them.

Then normal work will resume the week after next. There was pandemonium about the proposal.

Enda Kenny got so worked up he completely ignored the Ceann Comhairle’s requests for him to resume his seat, forcing Séamus Kirk to suspend the sitting.

Mind you, it wouldn’t be difficult to ignore poor Cap’n Kirk, who is far too nice to be chairing the Dáil’s rowdy bowsies on a day when they want to cause maximum mayhem and show off to Ian Paisley.

In terms of his chairing style, Séamus favours the sponge fist in the velvet glove approach.

In another historic first, Roaring Michael Ring broke the sound barrier. Although what Ian and Baroness Paisley made of his deafening calls for “a point of order” is anyone’s guess. Above in the gallery, it sounded like he was crying “Pint of porter! Pint of porter!” Quite the day of historic firsts. Caoimhghín even managed to crack a funny joke.

And everything had begun so sweetly. In Government Buildings, Taoiseach Brian Cowen presented Baroness Paisley with a beautiful silver Tara brooch. Everyone was very happy, not least Biffo, who has come over all manful and decisive in the past few weeks.

After their meeting, Ian and Eileen made their way over to Leinster House. When they passed through the gates the world didn’t stop turning, the birds didn’t fall dead from the summer trees and a great big thunderbolt didn’t smite them stone dead at the revolving doors.

And there was their old pal Bertie waiting for them, guiding up the ceremonial staircase to the chamber doors, big Ian clutching a coffee table book about Leinster House and Eileen’s new brooch glinting under the lights.

Baroness Paisley was perfectly co-ordinated as usual, from her silver shoes to her silk salmon pink two-piece suit. Bertie sat with them as TDs trickled into the chamber, surprised when they saw the visitors from up North.

After the formalities came the fighting. As the noise rose and the insults flew, Paisley leaned forward with a huge smile.

“I will not stand for it!” bellowed Enda. “Ye must have your holidays booked for next week – you’re awful grumpy!” taunted Timmy Dooley.

“Arrogant . . . out of touch . . . this Government is abusing its majority” protested Eamon Gilmore. “The Government, the Ministers, are going on holidays next week!” Paisley was loving it.

But oh, the mortification. Who would ever have imagined it – our crowd making a holy show of themselves in the Dáil in front of big Ian Paisley? Thankfully, the authorities moved him across to the Seanad before Bernard Durkan was thrown out.

And he didn't hear Paul Gogarty of the Greens shouting at Alan Shatter: "At least I don't have Spock ears!" In fairness, he was referring to Shatter's appearance in a constituency newsletter dressed as Spock from Star Trek.

After the Seanad, Lord Paisley visited the National Museum, where Baroness Eileen was delighted to see the original Tara brooch. “The Taoiseach gave me this one this morning, isn’t it beautiful?” Museum director Pat Wallace gave them a guided tour of the ancient Irish treasures – they were particularly taken by the delicate gold Broighter boat.

Next stop was the National Library, after which Bertie took over. “I’ll be showing him the northside of Dublin – we’re having lunch in The Bots [Botanic Gardens] and then we’re going to see the great new museum in Glasnevin cemetery. Ian is big into the first World War,the former taoiseach told us.

“I keep in touch with the two of them all the time, and he told me he’d love to come to the Dáil. He’s never been here in his life – except to protest outside about 30 years ago.” Eileen Paisley presented Bertie with her latest book. He has all three now.

As the sun shone on the former taoiseach and his guests, disharmony reigned in Leinster House. Then everyone went off for the long weekend putting everything, including the urgent investigation into Ivor Callely’s expenses, on the back burner.

Everyone, by the way, was looking for Ivor yesterday. He could be found at lunchtime, in statesman mode, addressing a Dáil committee on the distribution of EU funds for the unemployed. Not a bother on him.