Bog-standard debate as TDs get down and dirty over tanks

DÁIL SKETCH:AT LEAST the Dáil is agreed on one thing: in this day and age, we must all practice safe sewerage.

How best to do that? It’s a very emotive issue.

In the absence of Phil the Tank Hogan, Enda got dragged into the argument yesterday.

As the Taoiseach sees it, Phil’s septic tank registration plans are a “commonsense” approach to ensuring clean water and septic tanks that are fit for purpose.

His Government is of the view that Opposition deputies are cynically going through the motions by stirring up householders’ fears with their “hysterical ramblings”.

However, until Big Phil publishes the standards required of septic tank owners to comply with the law, the furore is unlikely to die down. He also needs to nail down the question of who will be eligible for financial assistance in the event of getting landed with a whopping bill to upgrade or replace a tank.

The protest meetings will continue and, as long as a village hall can be filled, certain Opposition deputies will seize the opportunity to roar their lungs out on platforms the length and breath of the country.

It’s not just the owners of dodgy tanks who are muddying the waters. Reading between the lines of what the Taoiseach had to say in the Dáil yesterday afternoon, those standards will be pitched at the bog-standard end of the spectrum. Furthermore, not every septic tank system will be investigated.

As Enda put it, there will be “non-universal inspection”. This begs the question of which systems will be picked out for scrutiny, and who will make the decision. That could lead to a lot of bad blood in a locality. Things would turn nasty.

Leading to hours of noisy grandstanding for the likes of Mattie McGrath, who, as the saying goes, is happy out.

Perhaps in deference to his deputy leader and Fianna Fáil’s standard bearer in the effluent department, Micheál Martin chose to steer clear of the topic during Leaders’ Questions.

The septic tank is Eamon Ó Cuív’s baby.

But Gerry Adams, continuing the unashamedly populist line taken by Sinn Féin during his twice-weekly set piece with Enda, had no qualms about plunging into the sludge on behalf of the one-off housing population of Ireland.

Once again, Leas Cheann Comhairle Micheal Kitt was in the chair when the fragrant question was revisited. This time though, it looked like the gods were on his side as neither Eamon nor Mattie were in the chamber.

Michael Healy-Rae, another stalwart of the sewerage wars, was in situ, his cap resting on the bench beside him where Mattie usually sits. “Where’s Mattie? Where’s Mattie,” shouted backbenchers as Gerry began his question. Indeed, it was like Hamlet without the prince, or a circus without its clown.

Suddenly, to the unfettered relief of the sketch writers, the cries went up: “Here’s Mattie now! Just in time, Mattie!” Up until this, the highlight had been Deputy Catherine Murphy, bless her high heels, tripping and falling down the chamber stairs. No damage done.

That, and Enda’s promise that “transition teams” will be before the Cabinet next Tuesday to address the fallout from the public service retirement programme. Whatever they might be.

Adams, meanwhile, approached the septic tanks from an equality angle. Why should people “be expected to pay for what should be an essential right in any society: that people should have safe sewerage and that the State should uphold that.” As the cavalry arrived in the form of deputy McGrath, Enda, wearing both his Dublin and his Mayo drinking hat, pointed out that the €5 registration fee was less than the cost of a pint in many pubs.

He said he had listened to “hysterical comment” about people having to pay up to €20,000 to improve their tanks. “That’s the gold-plated version,” interjected Alan Shatter, as Mattie began to rev up.

The Leas Cheann Comhairle sighed. Amid shouts about “desludging” aimed at Deputy McGrath, Minister of State Dinny McGinley repeatedly urged him to “Give the fivers back!” This was in reference to the celebrated fighting fund collection of fivers mooted at one of Mattie’s septic tank rallies.

“You’re a fraud, Mattie!” shouted Dinny.

“I will not be accused of fraud by anyone,” bridled deputy McGrath, ignoring Kitt’s pleas that he resume his seat.

“I will not!” Then Dinny told him to stick to the dancing. In former years, the Deputy for Tipperary South was an All-Ireland set dancing champion.

Whereupon Dinny repeated his charge. “You’re a political fraud!” Mattie was apoplectic. “He’s repeated that remark. It’s an outrageous allegation and slur. I will not accept that for anyone.” “Take a laxative, Mattie,” snorted Pat Rabbitte.

But at least it’s taking minds off more trivial matters, like the economy. Twenty years ago this week, Albert Reynolds became taoiseach. He famously remarked when his government fell that “it’s the little things that trip you up.”

And then the sewerage, safe or otherwise, hits the fan.