Busy Enda should create a job for Taoiseach stunt double

DÁIL SKETCH:IN SINN Féin, it's all about killing them with kindness these days.

While Gerry Adams was feeling the love in the Dáil chamber yesterday, Deputy Seán Crowe was above in his office, signing a batch of personalised Valentine cards that were then delivered to certain members of the media by a party official.

Seán’s glossy political billet doux, decorated with cupids and lovehearts expressing “grá,” came with three verses of atrocious doggerel about the Government and the message: “Kiss the others goodbye! Sinn Féin won’t break your hearts with false promises.”

This is the sort of thing that happens when deputies only take the average industrial wage from their publicly funded salaries – the party can afford to spend the leftover money on expensive novelty cards for constituents.

Two “heartbreakers” were pictured inside Deputy Crowe’s production. One was the Tánaiste, Eamon Gilmore. The other was the Canadian character actor, Victor Garber, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Enda Kenny but is not the Taoiseach.

It got us thinking.

Enda is off again today to the United States. That’s two weeks in a row now that he has crossed the Atlantic to try and drum up some business for the economy.

But can we spare him? Especially as he reiterated during Leaders’ Questions that his Government’s new jobs programme will be different from all the others for one, very important, reason: “I intend to oversee its implementation from the Department of an Taoiseach.” Personally, like.

Moreover, Enda intends to keep nagging his Ministers to make sure they meet their targets. To this end, he told a sceptical Dáil he will be publishing quarterly progress reports.

But with his busy schedule, how will he find the time? Perhaps he could get in contact with Victor Garber, who could fill in as his stunt double in the United States, or take Leaders’ Questions in the Dáil when the Taoiseach is away.

Sure nobody would notice.

A quick perusal of Mr Garber's very lengthy filmography shows him eminently qualified for the role, as he has appeared in movies such as Legally Blonde, Mixed Nutsand Titanic. Just a thought.

Back to the deputy for Dublin South West, and the disclaimer on the back of his Valentine: “This card was printed without the express wish of Seán Crowe, who has no sense of humour but says he wants to wish you and your loved ones a Happy Valentine’s Day.” They’re a hoot in Sinn Féin.

And they are also very clever when it comes to the sound-bite and column inch end of populist politics. When it comes to feeding a line, they know when and where to cast it and on a dull day in Dáil Éireann, it usually works.

You know you shouldn’t; that you’re being played like a hungry trout. But the bait is hard to resist.

Here’s Gerry: “Taoiseach, may I begin by wishing you a very happy Valentine’s Day. And you too, a Ceann Comhairle.” Seán Barrett, back in the chair after his week-long visit to France on a parliamentary trip to discuss The Austerity and take in a few vineyards and an abandoned rugby match, was momentarily transported back to Paris, the city of love. “Thank you very much,” gurgled the Ceann Comhairle. “It’s reciprocal.” We were drowning in syrup.

Until Enda put a stop to the lovey-dovey with one of his best put-downs of the session.

“Sometimes I feel a little concerned when I hear Deputy Adams talking about Valentine’s Day. I’m not sure whether it’s romance or massacre he’s talking about.” They continued with more discussion of Enda’s new jobs programme. But Gerry was determined to return to matters of the heart.

“Let me be positive. It is a good day, despite your rejection of my, eh, my love earlier on . . .” The Taoiseach waved his arm, nose in the air, like he was trying to waft away a nasty smell.

But he had to address the question Deputy Adams had twice put to him: how many people will be off the dole by the end of the year?

It was a “daft question”, replied Enda, indicating the Sinn Féin leader knew this. Then he succumbed to a touch of the Eric Cantonas. “It’s like saying ‘how many seagulls flew over Phoenix Park in the last three weeks?’ ” That stumped us all.

Finian McGrath of the Technical Group wanted to know what the Government would do about “The Austerity Factor”. He didn’t tell us when auditions are going to start, but there will be no shortage of contestants.

Job creation was uppermost in everyone’s mind yesterday. The Taoiseach regaled the Dáil with the story of the man who came to him the other day and said: “I have a great plan which can be applied globally.” “I said: ‘what’s it about?’” “He said: ‘I can remove fog from all the airports.” The place was agog.

Fianna Fáil’s Billy Kelleher was unimpressed. “Sure, you’re closing all the airports!”

Enda kept looking at the clock. He still had a number of engagements before leaving for New York today. He should touch base with his stunt double when he gets there.