Cabinet briefs and the lack of support for those in need of head shops

DÁIL SKETCH:THE DAY got off to an unsettling start for many of us.

It was the duty of the newspapers and morning radio shows to report on the state of the talks in Northern Ireland. But did they have to include all that detail about highly-paid flunkies scouring the nearest Marks and Sparks in search of clean undies for Brown and Cowen? Just before breakfast, a collective groan went up from a queasy public: “Aaargh! Too much information!” Is there no such thing as a prime ministerial overnight bag, ready and available at all times, should the need arise? This is very much in line with international best practice.

Apparently, not as much as a razor or a toothbrush between the pair of them.

Yet these people, and the large support systems that underpin them, are supposed to be smart enough to run nations.

It makes you wonder.

And so to Leinster House, where Enda Kenny was very concerned about the situation developing at Hillsborough Castle. “Will the Tánaiste convey to the Taoiseach that Fine Gael stands four-square behind the Government’s efforts to have the Good Friday agreement implemented in full?” Enda wanted to offer his full support in this elastic situation. (He firmly believes that it won’t be long before he’ll be up North with his Tory opposite number, David Cameron, and they won’t be found wanting when it comes to cabinet briefs.) “If the Taoiseach is short of supplies up there, the Tánaiste can tell him we can come to his assistance.” Now there’s a thought we could have done without.

No wonder Biffo hightailed it back to Dublin in the afternoon. Thongs, sorry, things are bad enough without having the state of his unmentionables ventilated in public.

Mercifully, Eamon Gilmore decided to steer clear of the subject. No offence to his parliamentary party — boasting such stalwarts as Michael D and Joe Costello, Pat Rabbitte and Willie Penrose – but a concomitant pledge of, er, support in the smalls department from Labour would have been too much to bear.

Instead, spurred on by the news that even our highly-paid Taoiseach can’t afford a spare pair of drawers in these recessionary times, he returned to the topic of pay cuts in the public service.

Did it seem fair to the Tánaiste that Mary Duffy, a low paid clerical officer in the Department of Education, has had her wages cut by €77 a week, while a recent “sweetheart deal” between the Government and senior civil servants led to a reduction in the size of their pay cut? Furthermore, can Mary – who now lives in rented accommodation because her husband lost his job and they couldn’t afford to pay their mortgage – expect a further pay cut? The Tánaiste went into waffle mode. “Appreciate the difficulties . . . scarce resources . . . creating activation measures and new innovative ways through . . . ensure the skill needs of the country are met . . . strong flow of inward investment.”

As for the pay of the assistant secretaries, Mary declared “the review body on higher level pay indicated that the bonus was indicatively part of their salary.” Joan Burton exploded. “Indicatively? What does that mean? Is this reality we’re discussing?” Gilmore pressed for an answer on whether Mary Duffy can expect a further wage cut.

“I have said three times we are not in a position to give such undertakings. It would be completely wrong to give such an undertaking in January,” said the Tánaiste, drawing a veil over the rest of the year.

Proceedings went from bad to worse during the Order of Business. Enda Kenny asked about the planned banking inquiry, precipitating an alarming outbreak of headbanging in the chamber.

The increase in the number of “head shops” around the country is a hot topic in Leinster House. As discussion of the inquiry became increasingly daft, there were fears that deputies might have been on a fact-finding mission to a few of those head shops.

Inda was worried about a Fianna Fáil member being chosen to chair a committee of inquiry, in case that person would “be beaten around the head in an office upstairs before he goes to the meeting” in order to achieve a favourable result for the Government.

Minister Noel Dempsey got his knickers in a twist. “I haven’t heard anything as ridiculous as me beating chairpersons around the head. Did Deputy Kenny get hit on the head?” The Tánaiste condemned this “slur on all Fianna Fáil chairpersons.” “Has she met any of them recently?” asked Fine Gael’s Bernard Durkan.

“I would really like to see how Deputy Kenny beats the heads of his deputies to ensure they toe the party line” harrumped the Tánaiste. As parliamentary debate goes, this was top drawers stuff.