Cherrywood Adams, Just William and the Woman Next Door

DÁIL SKETCH:THE QUEEN'S visit is presenting a knotty problem for self-proclaimed "woodenhead" Gerry Adams.

Or as the Sinn Féin leader might put it in his quaint bilingual way: Tá sé not mahogany gaspipe.” He is not impressed.

“Try to explain this in terms that a woodenhead like me will understand,” Cherry(wood) Adams asked Enda Kenny. He could have been asking the Taoiseach to shed a little light on HRH’s impending trip across the Irish Sea, but he wasn’t.

Cherry knows where he stands in this regard, go raibh maith agat, thank you. And it won’t be outside Croke Park waving a little Union Jack.

He was finding it very difficult to work out how exactly the Government is going to find the money to keep the bailout boys happy. He might be as thick as two short planks, but perhaps Enda could indulge him a little and explain this.

Because Adams suspected these savings will be achieved by fleecing the most vulnerable.

The Taoiseach strongly disagreed. “Deputy Adams doesn’t have a wooden head and he is raising this for political purposes . . . I remind him that the budgetary presentations we made last year proposed to protect the blind, children, disabled and pensioners. I don’t take it from him that he is even suggesting this Government wouldn’t focus on the underprivileged, the vulnerable or the isolated.”

But Pearse Doherty was, mindful of some of the cost-cutting measures introduced by the previous administration. “The Government hasn’t reversed one of them.” Big Phil Hogan jumped in. “We haven’t had a budget yet.” Which is true, but they’re promising an awful lot. It may be early days, but the time will come when Enda’s Coalition have to deliver on all their fine talk. The Opposition is determined to hold them to their promises.

Micheál Martin’s new front bench is rearing to go, in a sleepy sort of way. The Taoiseach couldn’t let the occasion pass.

“I congratulate Deputy Martin and all of his reduced number of members on their appointments to important positions yesterday,” he smirked.

“Yeah, we’ll do a lot in the first 100 days,” drawled Barry Cowen, a droll reminder that Fianna Fáil hasn’t forgotten the Coalition’s undertaking to deliver on an impressive list of pledges by the aforementioned deadline.

But for the moment, Enda sounds hearteningly enthusiastic and full of reforming zeal. So far, to the surprise of many observers, he has done extremely well in the Dáil chamber. He is confident, well briefed, willing to listen and seems remarkably at ease in his new role. There is a ring of sincerity to many of his replies, like he is taking the views of the Opposition on board. It’s all rather disconcerting. Surely this can’t last? Something’s got to give.

Ceann Comhairle Seán Barrett is also proving a success in his new job, putting his years of Dáil experience to good use in the chair, combining tolerance and crankiness to excellent effect.

But his no-nonsense approach may prove too much for Opposition leaders. A bust-up looks on the cards.

For some strange reason, when Barrett called on the former minister for defence to speak, he cried “Deputy William O’Dea!” Deputies on all sides thought this was hilarious. “I thank the Ceann Comhairle for giving me my proper title. It is very much appreciated,” said Willie.

“Just William!” chortled Pat Rabbitte, who couldn’t stop laughing. Willie asked his question, but he couldn’t be heard above the wheezing and snorts of Deputy Rabbitte, who was in hysterics. This, in turn, had everyone else in fits.

Willie, affronted, said he didn’t see why this should be a matter of amusement to the Labour Party. It wasn’t. It was the sight of Deputy Rabbitte corpsing.

“Wee Willie Winkie!” squeeked Pat, keeling over.

“Shocking” tut-tutted Timmy Dooley, “The Labour Party laughing at job losses.” But he couldn’t keep serious himself.

And so to The Woman Next Door. The Taoiseach said the Government press office will have a lot on its plate with her visit.

“The Taoiseach mentioned the Queen in his reply. Which Queen did he have in mind?” inquired Woodenhead Adams.

“Your Queen,” retorted Big Phil. The Queen of England, clarified Enda. “It’s the first time in more than 100 years that a reigning monarch has come to Ireland.” “She’s been to Belfast many times,” sniffed Cherry.

Micheál Martin retorted, “And she paid your salary for years.”