Clips about snips Cowen's answer to FDR's chats

YouTube abominations; anyone for Paris?; Enda’s e-mails; toast of Carlow; hard life of a celebrity TD; constraint complaint; a real catch, honey

FRANKLIN D ROOSEVELT did it, with considerable success, during America’s Great Depression. Now, 70 years later, during Ireland’s Great Recession, Biffo is having a go. Back in the 1930s, FDR called them fireside chats. In 2009, Biffo’s excruciating tete-a-tetes with the public are called YouTube clips.

According to Wikipedia (no cause for alarm, we do not claim to be a column of record) “Roosevelt urged listeners to have faith in the banks and to support his New Deal measures”. He made a series of 30 broadcasts to the American people, “reassuring them the nation was going to recover and sharing his hopes and plans for the country”.

Biffo’s clips began appearing as the recession deepened. At the beginning of this month, viewers were treated to his view on our “Budgetary Challenges”. In the last few days, three different YouTube clips have been posted. The Taoiseach has dispensed with the FDR-type formalities. He doesn’t greet his listeners, going straight into some toe-curlingly stilted Biffospeak following an unheard prompt from an unseen handler.

Simple language is not his thing; he sounds uncomfortable. On the other hand, the Taoiseach is keeping faith with the banks and wants the public to support his Nama. Like Roosevelt, he has hopes and plans and is confident that the country will recover.

Audiences numbers are dire.

Maybe this is why Biffo agreed to do a clip analysing Ireland’s prospects in tonight’s game against France. It’s mortifyingly awful, but viewing figures, rising last evening to just over 900, are miles ahead of his other YouTube abominations.

Perhaps that other great sports pundit, Bertie Ahern, gave the Taoiseach some advice on how to be a soccer expert. Was that why he was in the Dáil canteen on Thursday, just after the clip hit the internet? (We’ll know the answer if Biffo is addressing the nation next week on hanging baskets and Manchester United.) Leinster House regulars couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw the former taoiseach chowing down with the lunchtime masses. Veteran political correspondents agreed that in all their years covering the Oireachtas, it was the first time they had ever seen Bertie eating his lunch in the self-service restaurant.

Maybe the book sales are not going so well. The lunch in Leinster House is very good value for people who watch the pennies.

FoI fear making home birds of our Ministers

Sports pundit Cowen will be in Croke Park for tonight’s tie. It’ll be a close call, but he should make it from the Ógra Fianna Fáil conference in Bundoran in time for the evening kick-off.

The Taoiseach won’t be in Paris for the return leg on Wednesday, and it isn’t yet known if any other member of Government will attend. A spokeswoman for Sports Minister Martin Cullen has confirmed that he won’t be travelling. Our spy in the Elysée shrubbery tells us that the French would welcome an official Irish presence at the game but are experiencing great difficulty in getting anyone to commit. It seems that after the terrible going over suffered by John O’Donoghue in relation to his expenses and his attendance at sporting events, Ministers are terrified to travel abroad for any event that might even suggest some enjoyment.

Enda is so selfless with the ‘send all’ button

“Dear All, Just a reminder that the annual USI Oireachtas lobby is taking place in Buswells today. I met them this morning at 8.30. At the meeting they will take a photo for your local paper. They are happy that Fine Gael have a strong position on education and they will be meeting Brian Hayes tomorrow. Yours sincerely, Enda Kenny Leader of Fine Gael.”

Enda is the type of general who likes to keep his troops in the loop. It was very thoughtful of him to send this reminder to his deputies and Senators on Wednesday.

But he’s been getting a little careless recently with his e-mails and text messages.

There was major ruffling of parliamentary party feathers last month when his big announcement about abolishing the Seanad went to journalists before most of his own people. Last week, when he was on the Marian Finucane Show, it emerged that party members and supporters were sent messages from headquarters asking them to text in and say how wonderful they thought Enda was.

(While they were at it, they might have reminded their leader that the Nama SPV is a Special Purpose Vehicle, not a Special Purchase Vehicle.) Meanwhile, in Buswells Hotel, the FG politicians who turned up for the all-important photo for local newspaper must have been surprised to see so many of their FF rivals. That would be because their leader’s message was also e-mailed to the entire Fianna Fáil parliamentary party, whose Ministers, deputies and Senators were most gratified to know that, in the cut-throat world of politics, Enda is selfless enough to think of them too.

Changing of the guard at Leinster House gate

After nearly a decade on duty at the gates of Leinster House, Sgt Tony Brophy retired from the Garda this week after 35 years’ service. Always in good form, Tony was well known to politician and protester alike and his diplomatic skills defused many a difficult situation on Kildare Street.

A native of Rathdowney in Laois, Sgt Brophy came to the job with the best possible credentials for a man who has to work around politicians and their supporters – he spent most of his career running the dog unit. (Please, let there be no jokes about dumb animals. Yapping, snarling, nipping, savaging, now that’s more like it.) He’s having a big hooley on Monday night in Chaplin’s pub beside Pearse Street Garda station, where doubtless he’ll take out the tin whistle.

Bagenalstown boy Manning the toast of Carlow

The president of the Irish Human Rights Commission and former FG deputy and senator, Dr Maurice Manning, was the toast of his native county on Monday when he was given a civic reception by Carlow County Council to mark his recent election as Chancellor of the National University of Ireland. A group of friends including PJ Mara, businessmen Mick Sherry and Gaby Hogan, St Vincent’s AE doctor Oliver Keenan, UCD arts lecturer Clíona de Bhaldraithe, former hacks Mike Burns and Tim Ryan and ex-AIB banker Bob Ryan (father of Green Minister Eamon) accompanied the chancellor and his wife, family law solicitor Mary Hayes, and their son Nicholas, on a special bus to Carlow County Buildings.

Bagenalstown boy Manning was joined there by council leaders and other old friends, including the former Archbishop of Dublin, Dr Walton Empey; former Irish Times editor Conor Brady and his son, Niall; Eve Molony, widow of the late David Molony TD; and local deputies MJ Nolan and Phil Hogan.

In his address to the gathering Maurice, with his impeccable Fine Gael credentials, said people might be surprised to see PJ Mara present, but the two are very good friends of long standing, despite political affiliations.

Manning fondly recalled growing up in Bagenalstown. In particular he remembered going with his mother’s cousin Patrick on various trips buying cattle. The canny Patrick had devised a special technique to speed negotiations and ensure the best deal. The mother’s cousin would pull a large red polka-dot handkerchief from his pocket at a crucial stage in the negotiations.

This was the signal for young Maurice to shout: “Split the Differ!” Inevitably, the buyer and seller would heed the lad’s advice and split the difference. Mossy and Paddy then promptly withdrew to the nearest hostelry, where they frequently drank twice the differ.

Boy George waylaid by adoring masses

Eyebrows were raised when Enda Kenny and his celebrity deputy George Lee didn’t make the Dáil for the final vote on the Nama Bill. Enda had a pairing arrangement. George, on the other hand, was late because he was mobbed by business people in a Waterford hotel where he chaired a Fine Gael forum.

The outcome of the vote – won comfortably by the Government – could have been worse for the Opposition had it not been for the late arrival of Richard Bruton, Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney. The three deputies also attended the Waterford event. They were able to make good their escape while Lee was fighting off his fans. When the vote was called, they were still on the road. Chief whip Paul Kehoe kept in telephone contact and decided that all was not lost. After the electronic vote, he gained vital time by calling for a walk-through vote. Seconds before the doors closed, the three lads belted in and helped make the final result look less embarrassing.

Paul Kehoe wasn’t just happy because he got his three men into the chamber on time. His parliamentary assistant in the Dáil is Áine O’Meara, who is a niece of Fr Michael Sinnott, the priest taken hostage in the Philippines. There was great rejoicing in Leinster House when news came of his release.

Not just the roads that are backed up, it seems

“Not one square inch of asphalt has been laid by the National Roads Authority in my constituency,” thundered PJ Sheehan of Goleen and Cork South West in the Dáil.

The Fine Gael veteran is not happy with the road situation in west Cork and he has to hold his nose at the mere thought of how our leaders are running the country: “The National Roads Authority has notions of working on the N71 Bandon to Innishannon road but according to its website this is subject to a ‘constraints study’. This sounds to me like a new administrative term to describe constipation. In fact when I think about it, one way to describe the way the Government is running this economy is that it has changed from a Government with diarrhoea to a constipated Government with a bad smell.”

The usual rush to the canteen for a late fry-up was slower than usual that night.

Donohoe all a twitter as hearts flitter in Seanad

The Seanad enjoyed a rollicking good debate on the Nama Bill during the week. Those who are of the twittering persuasion will have realised this, as Fine Gael Senator Paschal Donohoe managed to “tweet” his way through the entire three-day debate, while making some very thoughtful interventions too.

The energetic Paschal is delighted with his efforts, although the resulting musings are mind-numbingly banal. Here are some of his better observations: “Lot of talk about crystal balls”; “Larry Butler [FF, after his contribution]: ‘The 10 minutes have flown.’ David Norris: ‘Not for us they haven’t!’”; “FF Senators busy telling Minister Lenihan how wonderful he is”; “Martin Mansergh loses it! Hands flailing!”; “Final vote coming up. Gov Chief Whip blocking door – I kid you not.” And so on. And on. Paschal even tweets that he left the baby’s buggy in his car and not at the creche. Fascinating.

Still, he noticed the love-in between Fianna Fáil and their Minister for Finance, and caught the flirting between Eoghan Harris and David Norris, who were also vying outrageously with Joe O’Toole for Brian Lenihan’s intellectual approval.

They swooned when the cerebral Lenihan cooed: “I’m very stimulated by the various interventions.” At one point, David told the Seanad: “Thank God I have paid my mortgage. I am debt free.” Eoghan gurgled: “What a catch the Senator is!” “I’m a real catch, honey,” came the reply.

O’Toole tried to be a smartie pants by addressing Lenihan in Irish. The Minister replied fluently. Not to be outdone, Norris had to speak in Irish as well. The adoration of Brian was not confined to besotted university senators and Fianna Fáilers. Another love triangle developed between Lenihan and fellow barristers Alex White (Labour) and Eugene Regan (FG), as they romped through fields of legalese and complimented each other on their grasp of such a complicated issue.

Harris could talk of nothing but the brilliance of those Senators who took part in the debate. (A small and select group.) “It was stunning,” he told us. “Lenihan was a pure tour de force. One debate in particular was a work of art. Party loyalties were shelved in what was a marvellous feat of reason, relieved by some great comic exchanges.

“He played the senators like violins . . . He really is a pantomime dame. He’s Twink. I think Norris has found a new love.”