Cometh hour of doom, cometh Winston Shankill, set for battle

DÁIL SKETCH:SHANE ROSS stood on the burning deck, Whence all but he had fled, The flame that lit the Euro's wreck, Shone round him o'er the dead.../ We have no lifeboats.

But don’t panic.

Enda Kenny is certain: the euro is unsinkable. No need to pull on the national water wings, he insists. Which is just as well, because we don’t have any.

Stay calm, for there exists a sturdy life-raft which will see us through all manner of calamity. It’s called politics, explains Enda.

No, please. Don’t panic.

The independent deputy for Dublin South is not so sure. He can already feel the chilly water lapping around his ankles. It’s not good.

Shane took the opportunity to send up a distress flare yesterday.

We’re not the only country taking on water. Deputy Ross has already witnessed Greece and Ireland and Spain sweating at the bilge pumps. Now, he’s looking across at massive waves breaking across Italy.

“The situation is worse than critical,” he informed the Dáil.

There’s a touch of the wartime Churchill about Ross when he stands to address the House at times like this. He knows how to make a point, sounds very authoritative and seems to know what he’s talking about. He used to be a stockbroker, you know.

When he speaks on serious financial matters, a hush descends on the chamber. Winston Shankill thinks we will have to fight them on the beaches and everywhere else, if Ireland is to survive the euro zone crisis.

“We are facing the ultimate collapse of the euro,” he declared. If this happens “every country will be running for the lifeboats”.

So what are we doing about it? In Shane’s book, the rescue operation envisaged for Europe will entail building a “financial firewall” around the region with money drawn from outside.

“Taoiseach,” intoned Winston Shankill, “we have a problem. There is no financial firewall.” Globally, nobody wants to help us. We tried the Chinese and they turned us down.

When all the other countries are heading for higher ground, what will we be doing? “What is Plan B for Ireland?” Sinn Féin’s Gerry Adams was no help. “What is Plan A?” he wondered.

Enda took command. “Now I believe in politics,” he began as Winston of Dublin South shook his head. Political leadership will see us through. Decisions will be taken among the heads of government and they will make them work.

It’s quite simple. The ECB’s Mario Draghi has drawn up a plan to bring in over a trillion in ready cash if needs be.

“Those decisions are to implement what was agreed at the heads of government meeting to create that firewall, and to put in place the decisions of a technical nature that are required under the assurance facility...” began the Taoiseach.

We won’t dwell on the thought that some of those government heads belong to headless chickens running around certain European capitals at the moment.

“...and the special service vehicle to leverage that up so that the firewall can be created so that the contagion that is everybody’s fear doesn’t spread beyond here.” Simple, as the young people might say. But what about Plan B? Some already have one. Deputy Ross noted that over in the UK, David Cameron was asked if they had contingency plans and he said they did. He wouldn’t say what they are, which is understandable, for obvious reasons, said Shane.

It might have been a smart move for the Taoiseach at this point to disclose that his Government has also prepared an escape plan if the unthinkable happens to the unsinkable. But he didn’t. Because if the worst comes to the worst, it won’t happen all of a sudden. There won’t be a repeat of that fateful night when the previous government locked itself into the blanket guarantee.

“There will be a meeting first” explained Enda, and the heads of government will work things out. Not, he stressed, that he expects a break-up of the euro zone.

As they shivered over on the opposition benches in their damp socks, Government deputies got a bit annoyed. “Do you have a plan?” demanded Pat Rabbitte.

Winston Shankill said nothing. He’d sent up the flare, nothing much else he could do.

Finian McGrath thinks Deputy Ross is brilliant. He looked at Shane, sitting next to him, and shouted: “We have all the plans. We have Plan C as well!” While Ross and his like-minded independent colleagues fretted on the port side of the burning deck, socialist Joe Higgins was feeling the flames on the starboard side.

There is no lack of lifeboats, he observed. Look at the greedy bankers bobbing away, full of “chancers and cheats, spivs and speculators”. Do something and never mind the other capitalist heads of government, he urged.

“I couldn’t quite catch the litany of despair you read out there about other European leaders,” snorted the Taoiseach. “I’m not quite so sure whether you were as cocky as this when you were out there yourself as an elected parliamentarian.” Enda does not see us sinking with the euro. He told Joe: “This is a country that doesn’t jump around from Billy to Jack or spivs or spots or specs or whatever you were talking about earlier on.” Ireland will capitulate to nobody, and while we may be in a bailout situation, “we will emerge with our dignity intact”.

That isn’t how deputy Higgins sees the outcome. “A bur-ind out landscape, that’s what you’ll have left behind you.” Which Winston Shankill will be able to view nicely from his burning deck.