Five-point plan just a sweet memory as future is full of fudge

DÁIL SKETCH:THAT GERRY Adams one is a caution. He had the House in stitches yesterday, displaying a sense of comic timing which was entirely unexpected.

The Sinn Féin leader was exploring a remark made by the Minister for Social Protection when she said some people are choosing to go on the dole as “a lifestyle choice”.

Gerry was appalled. “Disgraceful,” he harrumphed, before likening Joan Burton’s comment to something Margaret Thatcher might have said back in the 1980s.

Sadly, Joan wasn’t in the chamber to reject this slur on her Labour credentials, although in the interest of noise abatement issues it may have been for the best.

In fact, her party was woefully underrepresented during Leaders’ Questions and the best the four backbenchers present could manage was a few strangulated howls in defence of their Minister.

Enda, of course, dismissed Gerry’s suggestion that his Government is actively pursuing policies to the detriment of people on social welfare who might hope to improve their lifestyle.

Whereupon Deputy Adams reminded him of Fine Gael’s election manifesto.

He fixed the Taoiseach with a deadpan gaze and asked: “Do you remember your five-point plan?” Mention of FG’s pre-election document had a strange effect on Government deputies.

Their faces lit up and they began to giggle.

Gerry, meanwhile, was settling into his routine.

“Let me remind you,” he said to Enda, who was struggling to keep a straight face. He began to read from the manifesto in a sing-song voice, like a schoolboy proudly reading his essay to class.

“Our five-point plan is like a five-pointed star.” He paused.

Oh, the memories.

Enda covered his mouth with his hand. Next to him, Richard Bruton was in fits. Leo Varadkar’s smirk grew ever wider.

“It gives clarity, light and direction for what will be a difficult journey to the future ahead,” continued Gerry, reminding the Fine Gael Ministers and TDs of those halcyon days and their election-winning document.

They just could not stop laughing. Observers would be forgiven for thinking that they regard the five-point plan as a bit of a joke, now that they are in power.

Deputy Adams wasn’t laughing. Did the Taoiseach consider Joan Burton’s comments appropriate? Whether he did or not, Enda had no intention of saying and he ignored the question.

Instead, he defended the plan as “part of the discourse of normal politics” and a programme which “has the potential and capacity to turn around the fortunes of our country and the fortunes of our people”. Enda is on solid ground when waxing about the potential of young people and the opportunities which await them if the Government gets on with “meeting the challenges that lie ahead”.

He could talk forever about coming from a county “where involuntary emigration is endemic” and his desire to see people work and live here if that’s what they want to do.

The ease with which he can deflect questions with soothing little homilies is a marked feature of his style in the Dáil.

“Enda is like hospital radio,” whispered an observer yesterday, “gently lulling you to sleep with some easy listening”. And then you wake up and can’t remember a thing he said and nurse is standing there with a big bottle of medicine.

To be fair to him, he’s only in Government a few months. “We can’t implement our programme in the first 100 days,” he told Deputy Adams, adding that Sinn Féin is living “in a land of fantasy and unreality”. Shane Ross of the Technical Group wanted to inject some reality to the debate.

He’s sounding more and more like a man who would really love to be leading a party of his own. It’s interesting to see how the Dáil chamber hushes when he speaks, and he seldom disappoints.

Shane wanted to send the Taoiseach off to Brussels tomorrow with a definite plan of action for the emergency meeting of the euro zone leaders.

Don’t be beguiled by Angela Merkel and her recipe for “monumental fudge”, he cautioned.

Although after Darren Clarke struck a blow for the portly among us by winning the British Open golf championship, fudge is back in fashion.

But not for Enda. What Shane sees as fudge, he sees as “a controlled, composed” process which could ultimately lead to a restoration of market confidence.

The Brussels meeting is “possibly the most important summit of your career,” Deputy Ross told the Taoiseach.

“You will be carrying a very heavy burden on your back – a burden of debt.” The best way to lighten that load, advised Shane, is to make a choice between denial and default.

“Would you consider taking up the default gauntlet?” he asked.

After last week’s rumpus over the clothing choices of politicians, he was a brave man to suggest to Enda that he might consider wearing gloves for the occasion.

On the other hand, the markets would love him for it. Of this, Shane is sure. “Default is not a negative. Default is a positive.” But default is not an option in Enda’s wardrobe.

Whatever the outcome of the meeting, Deputy Ross pleaded, “I would ask that you don’t come back to us on Friday . . .”.

The Dáil found that suggestion even funnier than Gerry Adams’s routine on the five-point plan.

But what he meant to say was that if the Taoiseach returned with big news from Europe, he would allow the Dáil to meet and discuss it.

“I’m not sure whether you want me to stay away entirely,” joked Enda.

And on the benches behind, they laughed with him. Didn’t they? He might even bring back some fudge.