Incredible shrinking products just won't wash with Senator

IN THE Seanad on Tuesday, Eamonn Coghlan put in a spirited pitch for a job writing speeches for presidential candidates.

“Looking outside,” waxed the former athlete (presumably into the middle-distance). “It is a beautiful autumn day. This kind of weather brings out the best in everyone. A walk on the beach, a walk in the park, a stroll around town makes everyone feel good and look good. Even a trip around the country on one’s motorcycle is most enjoyable.”

“You should be working with Met Éireann” snorted Fianna Fáil’s Terry Leyden, the Seanad menace.

In the course of discussing a wide range of national and international issues, Fine Gael’s Cáit Keane raised a very important item.

“In light of the very weighty debate that has just taken place, the matter I wish to raise might seem trivial but is very important to householders and consumers,” said Cáit, explaining that certain manufacturers are reducing the size of products but not the price. Accusing these manufacturers of “pulling the wool over peoples’ eyes” she named names.

“One of the products in question is Fairy washing-up liquid. Some members may not have used this product recently, particularly in view of the fact that they spend so much time in the Seanad.” (Rough translation: I realise some of you lads are far too lazy to wash a cup when you have a wife at home for that sort of thing.) Leyden thought this was hilarious.

Cathaoirleach Paddy Burke said he didn’t want commercials on the Order of Business.

“It’s not a commercial,” bridled Cáit. “Senator Leyden may not be familiar with this product but it is fairly popular among households.” Terry spluttered: “Senator Keane has lovely soft hands!” Sensibly, Cáit ignored him and requested the Minister for Enterprise to ask the Consumers Association to investigate companies which are engaging in this practice.

“The position is the same in respect of Pampers baby wipes and Persil washing-up liquid,” she added, sending Terry into absolute paroxysms.

"This is more an issue for Joe Duffy's Livelineradio show than it is for the Seanad," suggested the Cathaoirleach, who would have been far more sympathetic had Cáit highlighted a price increase in golf balls.

Paddy might also have suggested ringing an ambulance for the gasping Senator Leyden, a man whose level of domestication is such that when he attempted to improve the air quality in his office by lighting a scented candle, he set the room on fire and sparked an evacuation of Leinster House.