Miriam Lord's Week

Democracy? That’s a recipe for anarchy

IT WOULD have served the Government right on Wednesday evening had Sinn Féin’s motion to hold the Donegal South West byelection squeaked through. The unmitigated twaddle that Chief Whip John Curran had to read out as his Government’s excuse for delaying the election was simultaneously hilarious and depressing.

You see, if the country turned its attention to fighting either or all of the three outstanding byelections, our economy would most likely collapse, we would fall into the evil hands of the IMF and the rioting on the streets of Dublin would put Athens in the ha’penny place.

The people of Donegal South West have been without a TD for 11 months now. But the Chief Whip was most anxious to stress that this was not because the Government “is disrespecting” them.

Still, at least they have the Tánaiste, although Fine Gael’s Dinny McGinley, her constituency colleague, said she’s too busy these days so he has to do most of her work. In fact, Minister for Education Mary is so busy she even managed to miss the start of her first session of ministerial questions on Thursday.

Seán Haughey had to step into the breach. The excitement was massive.

“Late on the first day. You wouldn’t get it in Low Babies,” Fine Gael’s education spokesman Brian Hayes was heard to mutter afterwards.

But back to the Tánaiste’s constituents, and them still deprived of an opportunity to elect a Teachta Dála. The vote was tied because Government deputies Frank Fahey and Timmy Dooley pressed the wrong buttons.

The Ceann Comhairle duly cast his vote against setting a byelection date and the Government survived.

But had they lost, there was no second chance. The election would have gone ahead.

Why did the Government not call a “walk through” vote, which it is entitled to do, immediately after the tie? It would have put a far better gloss on the result and showed it had the numbers after all.

It seems that had been the intention, but such was the shock at the drawn result it didn’t happen. The new Chief Whip also showed his inexperience, although to be fair to John Curran, he was probably still traumatised after reading out that makey-up excuse for running away from the electorate.

At least the goody-goody Greens got it right. They’ve come out tops as the party with the highest average attendance at Dáil votes.

It’s no thanks to Paul Gogarty, their unpredictable deputy for Dublin Mid-West. Gogo is one of the biggest culprits in the game of parliamentary chicken which is played by a number of TDs during votes. They press the wrong button and vote with their opposition, watch the time counting down and their respective whips having conniptions before they press the right one with just a second to go. But that’s not what Wrong Way Dooley and Fahey were up to on Wednesday. This time they simply weren’t paying attention.

Hanafin unflappable during a golden moment

On Tuesday morning, it was feared Cabinet tensions had escalated into public displays of violence following reports of a bout of vicious handbags between two female Ministers in Dublin’s Temple Bar.

Mary Hanafin, we were told on good authority, had been slapped a number of times about the face and head by “an irate bird from Donegal”. By lunchtime, some were whispering that the Tánaiste “could have taken her eye out”. All a complete misunderstanding.

The bird from Donegal turned out to be a golden eagle named Bob who took exception when Hanafin invaded his space during the launch of a big tourism promotion for Donegal which takes place in Dublin later this month.

In fairness to Mary H, she stood her ground when Bob flapped his wings and hit her in the face. And she remained, er, unflappable, when he gave her another few belts over the head.

Given that her brief includes the area of culture, she was lucky they didn’t bring along a vulture, which can give a nasty peck.

However, game bird though she is when it comes to cheesy photo opportunities, even Hanafin drew the line at posing on a big white bed in Meeting House Square with Phil Coulter and John Carr, former secretary of the Irish National Teachers’ Organisation.

After all, it was an event launch, not an election.

You can’t beat a classical education

Fianna Fáil Meath East TD Thomas Byrne came out with a clever quip during the week on RTÉ radio’s Late Debate. Sadly, it sailed over the heads of everyone else in studio one.

The panel included Damien English of Fine Gael, Labour’s Joe Costello and our own font of wisdom and pet Kerryman, Michael O’Regan, Irish Times Parliamentary Correspondent.

Damien, who represents Meath West, was holding forth on the economic situation in Greece, and he suggested that a programme along the lines of Fine Gael’s New Era plan could be implemented in the country.

Whereupon Thomas declared that the Greeks could call their plan “New Hera.” Nobody got it.

We have since discovered that Thomas, who went to secondary school in Drogheda, got an A in Classics in his Leaving Cert.

Norris for the Áras – via the county council route

David Norris may not have a political party to sponsor him and the county council route to a presidential nomination is impossibly difficult to negotiate, but the Independent Senator for Trinity College has Áras an Uachtaráin firmly in his sights.

He says nearly 17,000 people have already signed up to a number of websites in support of his bid to become Ireland’s next president.

It seems expressions of support snowballed after he was asked recently by a newspaper if he would be interested in the job. “As of now, the total number of signatures stands at 16,750,” he told us yesterday.

Not that he’s counting. And not that they’re worth much to him either, apart from giving “a certain moral force” to his argument that he should be able to contest the election.

“I’m certainly going to try and get a nomination. I’m more than willing to run and I believe I could deliver on the presidency,” he said. While it’s early days, Norris says it was suggested to him that he join a party. But he is adamant that if he runs, it will be as an Independent candidate. “I don’t think people want the highest non-political office in the state to be in the hands of the political parties any more.” In the (likely) event of him failing to get party backing, he says he may try the county council route. It worked for Dana.

“I’d love a campaign bus, if I could afford one, and we could go everywhere. I couldn’t think of a better way of getting to know your country.” The establishment may not be biting, but Norris says the bookies have shortened his odds from 33/1 to 3/1, while two film companies have applied for permission to follow him on the campaign trail.

Inda and his three wise Bar men

Enda Kenny was indulging in his favourite form of theatrics again on Wednesday: brandishing stuff at Biffo. This time, his gesture was designed to give oomph to his question about serving politicians drawing ministerial pensions and the Taoiseach’s opinion that it would be unconstitutional immediately to abolish the practice.

“I have the advice of three senior counsel, which makes it clear, from their perspective, that this matter is quite constitutional,” quivered the Fine Gael leader, grasping the documents firmly before the Taoiseach as if expecting him to recoil like a vampire in the face of a cross. Instead, Biffo threw his eyes wearily to heaven and remained slumped in his default position.

Inda Kinny persisted. “I can furnish the Taoiseach with the evidence of these three senior counsel that this matter is constitutional,” he boomed, still waving his briefs. Or whatever they’re called.

So who were Fine Gael’s Three Wise Men? Whose counsel was so compelling that Kenny took it to the floor of the House? It’s a secret. A party spokesman tells us the advice was issued “on the basis of confidentiality” by a group of people regularly consulted when such issues arise.

“The names will not be revealed,” he said, probably because only one of them can become attorney general if FG get in. The other two would be so embarrassed they’d never be able to hold their heads up again among the many Blueshirt barristers in the Law Library. (Ye shall know them by their pinstripes.) However, the spokesman was able to tell us that the three lawyers are “eminent”. But unlike Biffo’s man Gallagher, eminently anonymous.

So for all we know, Inda’s latest prop on Wednesday could have been signed by Larry, Curly and Moe.

Pity those unfortunate out-of-towners

An interesting little nugget slipped under the radar following the release of TDs’ Dáil attendance records for the first two weeks of the new clocking-in system.

The information showed that 17 deputies out of the 136 had full attendance records for the 10 working days between March 1st, when the system was introduced, and March 12th.

All but three of the TDs were from Dublin or surrounding counties. This wasn’t surprising, as those politicians who live within easy commuting distance of Leinster House tend to work from the building when the Dáil isn’t in session. Deputies from further afield normally choose to operate from their constituency offices. This is causing a lot of bother to out-of-town representatives, who say the work they do back home is the very same as that done by deputies based in Leinster House. It makes no sense, they argue, to stay in Dublin on Mondays and Fridays when the Dáil is not in session. But the new regime requires that they present themselves in Leinster House for at least 120 days out of the requisite 150 in order to collect their full expenses. This means they will have to attend on a number of non-sitting days to qualify.

Are you still with us? You wouldn’t believe the angst this is causing among politicians from all sides, although one would have assumed that attendance at committee meetings and the like would push most of them up to the mark.

So who were the selfless three who hauled themselves up to town on the non-sitting days? Interestingly, it was a trio of Fianna Fáil deputies: Niall Collins (Limerick West), Noel O’Flynn (Cork North Central) and the John McGuinness (Carlow-Kilkenny).

They are an example, miffed politicians will say publicly, of how the long-distance deputy must abandon valuable constituency work and come to Dublin just to swipe a machine and come home again.

Privately, they wonder what three leading lights of the parliamentary party’s newly formed Lemass Group are doing in Leinster House on these quiet days when none of their country colleagues are around. Regular attendees of the group’s weekly Wednesday meeting insist the sessions are information evenings and not a forum for leadership dissidents. But if the three lads keep turning up on non-sitting days people might mistake them for a kebab, as Bertie might say.

Living under Britain’s yoke has some perks

After Sinn Féin’s disastrous showing in last weekend’s Red C poll, at least Gerry Adams had something to smile about when he retained his Westminster seat.

The party leader was full of the joys (nothing to do with Peter Robinson losing his seat), looking youthful and relaxed in his blue jeans, white shirt and deck shoes.

When asked by the yawning hacks about his future plans, Gerry revealed that he has lots of options as he now has the bus pass. In Northern Ireland, residents qualify for the free travel at the age of 60 and the Right Honourable Member for West Belfast turns 62 in October. If he were resident in the Republic, poor Gerry would have to wait until he was 66 to get the same perk. Is this what they died for in 1916? Maybe we need a 32-county Ulster.