Miriam Lord's Week

Cowen behind the game; Seanad vegetables; heaving with poets; spitting mad; more to elections than a warm glow; the real Gilmore; Willie's reassurances

WELL DONE, young Thornley. Nothing gets past our man in the Lansdowne Road press box. Which is more than you can say for Brian Cowen’s political carers . . .

In yesterday’s sports pages, rugby correspondent Gerry Thornley brought us the disappointing news that the Aviva stadium won’t host the Heineken Cup final next year or in 2012. The honour falls first to Cardiff and then the show moves to Twickenham.

The decision was a hot topic of conversation among the rugby heads at yesterday’s official opening of the Aviva, as the IRFU obligingly confirmed Thornley’s story.

The happy job of breaking the metaphorical Moët over the magnificent stadium fell to the Taoiseach, who summoned the political correspondents into Government Buildings for a nice chat before he left for Dublin 4. He didn’t want them following him to Lansdowne and souring the mood with awkward questions about his latest rebirth at yet another Chamber of Commerce dinner.

Off he skipped to make his upbeat speech to welcoming people about a good news story. He declared: “I am of the view that being afforded the privilege of hosting a Heineken Cup final in 2011 or 2012 would be a fitting tribute to all those who have worked so diligently and so imaginatively to bring Irish rugby to its current level of success.”

There was a sharp and pained intake of breath from the IRFU boys as the unwitting Cowen threw this blatant forward pass.

For the last few days, Biffo has been on a publicity treadmill to rival the height of Bertie’s buke tour. It was understandable he might have been behind the game, but how come none of his hotshot handlers noticed the gaffe? Give them a ball and they’ll drop it.

On the madness of flying in broccoli

Minister of State Ciaran Cuffe is quite the clever clogs. He was in the Seanad on Wednesday, listening quietly to statements on the Common Agricultural Policy when his Green colleague Niall Ó Brolcháin and Rónán Mullen (Ind) got a little sidetracked:

Ó Brolcháin: “I spoke once on the madness of flying in broccoli. Importing huge amounts of vegetables such as broccoli into this country by flying them from South America is simply not sustainable. If we look at what’s happening in relation to this volcano at the moment – I’m quite obsessed by this volcano because it’s going to have huge impacts on . . .”

Mullen: “Can you pronounce it?

Ó Brolcháin: “The volcano? No, I can’t.”

Mullen: “Neither can I.”

Cathaoirleach: “No interruptions now!”

Ó Brolcháin: “But certainly, it is having a huge impact on this country . . .

Cuffe: “Eyjafjallajökul.”

O’Toole has a nose for the mutton

In the same Seanad discussion, Joe O’Toole returned to a topic dear to his heart. “It’s impossible to get mutton, it’s a struggle. You’ve to fight with a butcher nowadays to get mutton to make an Irish stew. They will concede that it’s year old lamb and you can call it mutton. That’s only a marketing thing. I know mutton by the smell of it. If I walk into your house and you’re cooking mutton I know it by the smell of it. I don’t have to be told either. There is a distinctive taste and smell of mutton. It’s different to lamb.”

John Paul Phelan: “Could you tell mutton dressed as lamb?”

O’Toole: “I know mutton dressed up as lamb and lamb dressed up as mutton. I am lucky to be of a generation that has learned that great art and I worry about young men who never had to make the distinction.”

Time for the anoraks again, begob

What are we to make of these two questions submitted for written reply recently by Noel Ahern, brother of Bertie? “To ask the Minister for Health and Children if there are health regulations governing the practice of spitting in public on the street; if so, the way in which same is enforced and if it is enforced by Environmental Health Inspectors or other; and if details of any enforcement action under her Department will be provided.”

And then: “To ask the Minister for the Environment, Heritage and Local Government the position regarding spitting in public on the street; the law regarding same; if it is prohibited under littering legislation or bye-laws and if they are enforceable by local authority litter wardens and if the relevant legislation can be quoted.” Noel seems inordinately exercised by this spitting thing.

Are the voters turning nasty on the northside of Dublin? Whatever happened to arguing your point and leaving it at that? In the meantime, just to be on the safe side, it might be a good time for the Ahern boys to dust down those oul anoraks.

Devil in the detail, Fine Gaelers told

With the help of Baby Bruton the Blueshirts began beefing up in Biffo’s backyard this week. (Enough with the alliteration – Ed) Fine Gael’s finance spokesman (some are calling him the new George Lee) was guest of honour at Thursday night’s launch of a new branch in the Taoiseach’s Laois/Offaly constituency.

Richard Bruton’s talk on the financial crisis and Fine Gael’s plan for government was described by one audience member as “electrifying” and earned him a standing ovation. However, the buoyant mood didn’t last as members complained about the party’s readiness for an election.

The star turn’s pronouncement that the party is on “red alert” and ready to scramble in the event of a snap election was met with scepticism by the audience. Questions were asked about Enda Kenny’s media performances, Leo Varadkar’s attack on Garret FitzGerald and the loss of George Lee.

And while there was no argument with the policies outlined by Bruton, it was suggested the party is concentrating too much on policy while neglecting the needs and views of activists at local level. As one member said afterwards: “You can have the best product in the world; if you don’t have the salesperson on the doorstep, it won’t get sold.”

The heavyweight down from the Dáil was asked why, when FG has targeted a third seat in the constituency, a candidate has yet to be selected. Fears were also expressed that a big name might be parachuted in.

(There was some talk in the bar afterwards that headquarters is interested in former IFA president Pádraig Walshe.) Meanwhile, Richard moved to defend criticism of his leader’s public performances. “The strength of Fine Gael’s offering isn’t just about having a face on the poster that everyone has a warm glow about,” he argued, evoking Bertie Ahern to prove his point. Doubtless, this will come as a comfort to Enda who looks embalmed in his recent election posters.

Little poetic about parliamentary meetings

Micheál Martin was in flying form – which is the only way a foreign minister should be – on Tuesday evening for the launch of Philip McDonagh’s second collection of poetry, The Song the Oriole Sang.

Philip may be one of Ireland’s finest poets, but he also moonlights as our ambassador to Moscow. Accordingly, the knees-up in the National Gallery was packed with a noisy blend of diplomats, bureaucrats, politicians, intellectuals, academics, judges, hacks and poets. “Poetry can bring tranquillity, peace, reflection; it can be a little oasis. And you’ll be glad to know . . . that I was reading his poetry during the Fianna Fáil parliamentary party meeting and it was a wonderful contrast actually,” said Martin.

The diplomatic service is heaving with poets, Micheál noted, and the president of the European Council is also a poet who likes to knock out the occasional Japanese haiku. “My life would be much neater if all ambassadors confined their reports to just 17 syllables,” he sighed.

Tuesday’s attendance included Health Minister Mary Harney and her husband Brian Geoghegan; Judges Adrian Hardiman and Yvonne Murphy; David Cooney, secretary general at the Department of Foreign Affairs; and Russian ambassador Mikhail Timoshkin.

Among the poets we spotted Gerard Smyth, Iggy McGovern and Dardis Clarke. Also among the throng was the one-time occupant of this Saturday column, the inestimable Renagh Holohan, former Northern Editor and London Editor of The Irish Times. Renagh and Dardis were among a group of long-serving journalists recently presented with life membership of the NUJ: Seán Mac Connell, Rodney Rice, Janet Martin, Bill Stuart, Seán Ryan and Willie Kealy completing the motley group. Seán, who is Irish Times agriculture correspondent, recalled that his main duty when he started out in the Roscommon Observer was to make tea on a Thursday for the editor, Mr Quigley.

Rodney remembered visiting the late Kevin O Kelly in Mountjoy in 1972 with a group of NUJ officials. Journalist O’Kelly had been jailed for contempt of court for refusing to identify an IRA leader he had interviewed. Rodney and his comrades were terrified going through the dimly lit entrance with “no smoking” notices everywhere, when suddenly, an immaculate vision appeared of O’Kelly in smoking jacket, a cigarette dangling nonchalantly from his lips.

As for Renagh, she regaled the gathering with the difficulties she had with a phone operator when trying to ring somebody in Derry from Belfast. The Loyalist telephonist insisted she couldn’t find a place called Derry. Could it be called anything else, perhaps? Renagh stood her ground. The call never got through.

Turn on, tune in – it’s Oireachtas FM, sorta

Droninatcha! Whether you like it or not! Oireachtas Report was famously described as a programme for “drunks and insomniacs” due to the late hour of its transmission.

Now comes a morning show for the bleary-eyed and hungover with the launch of a weekly Oireachtas Report aimed at local radio stations. Yesterday morning, as part of a pilot project running until the summer recess, Galway Bay FM and Midlands Radio 3 broadcast the first of a series of Friday reports.

Journalist and broadcaster Ken Murray, formerly political editor of INN, is compiling and presenting the programmes, which feature a roundup of what was said in the Oireachtas by deputies and TDs from different broadcast regions.

“The whole idea is to let listeners know what their representatives are saying in Leinster House, particularly about matters in their local area. I have full editorial control and will decide what clips to use, but local issues will take priority,” says Murray.

“At the moment, there are a few TDs and Senators who say very little. I reckon when this project is fully rolled out that they might suddenly become more vocal.”

Expect indiscriminate mentions of potholes, group water schemes and two-teacher schools to soar in the coming months.

Outside of the local radio project, Ken has a few other irons in the fire. He is chairing a series of In Conversation with Eamon Gilmore forums around the country.

The first one went off successfully in the Abbey Hotel in Roscommon, where he interviewed the Labour leader “exploring the man, not the politician.”

There is also a chance for the audience to ask questions at these events, which target areas where the party hopes to build membership and support.

Ken is also in advanced talks with BBC Radio 4 on a series profiling successful Irish people across the water. It’s provisionally titled What Have the Irish Ever Done for Britain? In the meantime, he’ll have to work on a good disguise to escape from backbenchers persecuting him with news of their latest oratorical gems.

But of course the Dáil can handle a few rioters

From our “Nobody Saw It Coming” department. A question tabled in January to then minister Willie O’Dea by Fine Gael justice spokesman Charlie Flanagan.

“To ask the Minister for Defence if he has satisfied himself that the Military Police detachment force responsible for the security of Leinster House and Government Buildings is of sufficient strength to adequately police and secure both buildings in the event of serious riots and so on; and if he will make a statement on the matter.”

No problem, replied Willie. All in hand.