MIRIAM LORD'S WEEK

Fianna Fáil’s Football Five score own goal; expensive expenses reform, Leo’s jetset lifestyle and Enda moves mountains

EMOTIONS WERE running high in Fianna Fáil on Wednesday night. Tempers frayed. There were hissy fits. As events unfolded on this most astonishing of days, one party backbencher was described as “near apoplectic” by a colleague.

Shock. That’s the word most people were using to describe the general feeling. Absolute shock.

The two biggest banks in the land, AIB and Bank of Ireland, bailed out by the hard-pressed taxpayer. The unthinkable coming to pass. Dodgy billion euro dealings uncovered in Anglo Irish bank. A major gaffe from the Minister for Finance, sparking calls for his resignation.

More job loses. And a sneaky little measure slipped in between the headlines by the Minister for Education, heralding the loss of special teaching support for over 530 primary schoolchildren with mild learning disabilities. On the day €7 billion was going to the banks, this cut was expected to yield less than €7 million.

Oh, yes, feelings were running high. But it had nothing to do with any of the above. The anger came from five members of Fianna Fáil: Ministers Batt O’Keeffe and Conor Lenihan and TDs Frank Fahey, Darragh O’Brien and Niall Blaney. All five had planned to slip away to Croke Park to watch the soccer match between Ireland and Georgia, only to have their hopes dashed by a Fine Gael chief whip who didn’t want to play ball.

On Wednesday afternoon, the lads sorted out a pairing arrangement with Labour, whereby five Labour TDs wouldn’t attend a vote scheduled to take place during the game, thus allowing the FF Football Five escape to the match.

However, word of their deal slipped out and reached the ears of Wexford TD Paul Kehoe, who immediately hightailed it to the office of his opposite number, Government Chief Whip Pat “Scary” Carey.

According to the rules, the largest Opposition party decides on pairing requests. Paul informed Pat that if the five TDs were not in the Dáil for the vote that night, Fine Gael would end its pairing arrangement with the Government. They could stick with the Labour party for all future votes.

Despite pleas for mercy from the overworked quintet, Kehoe held the line and forced Pat to crack the whip. To the utter disgust of the TDs, they had to stay behind. At least it was on television in the members’ bar.

Ordinary mortals in the visitors’ bar were forced to watch the ongoing proceedings in the Dáil. But they knew how the game was progressing, thanks to the cheers and groans emanating from the politicians next door.

To say the Football Five were annoyed would be an understatement. Much to the amusement of some of their colleagues they are still muttering darkly about Kehoe, the man who spoiled their fun. In these difficult days, it’s good to see they have their priorities right.

Expenses and the gravy train

Public servants who ply their trade in and around Leinster House knew better than most about the expenses gravy train enjoyed by TDs and Senators. There has been much pious prating from these elected representatives about the need for everyone to “share the pain,” and those public servants are doing that through the controversial pension levy.

But it sticks in the craw to hear politicians preaching restraint, when the same paragons are the beneficiaries of an expenses regime so purposely complex it would defy the combined brainpower of Pythagoras and Einstein. But wait! A new dawn! On January 20th last, the Houses of the Oireachtas Commission, the body that runs Leinster House, adopted a new system of expenses and allowances for TDs and Senators. It was a bit vague, but better than nothing. When challenged about their pay and conditions in the last few weeks, the politicians have pointed to this radical change as proof of their selflessness.

Privately, the planned changes have been causing ructions among TDs and Senators. One Leinster House worker described the scene on the night the plans were announced. It was the same night the Government said it was determined to proceed with the recapitalisation of AIB and the Bank of Ireland.

“I saw little huddles of TDs and Senators all over the place. They were from all the parties, and they were whispering and looked really worried. I got a terrible fright. I thought the banks had collapsed and the country was about to go bankrupt. But then I heard some of them talking, and realised they were going on about their expenses.”

The Minister for Finance has to approve the new scheme. However, we understand that Brian Lenihan is going to throw it out. A letter has been drafted, informing the politicians they haven’t gone far enough. It’ll say “thanks, but no thanks” for their suggestions, and with an order to come back with greater cost-saving measures.

This will set the cat among pigeons entirely. In the meantime, the members of the commission will be well compensated for their trouble. They each get €20,023, payable annually with salary, for their membership. Neither the Ceann Comhairle nor the Seanad Cathaoirleach are in receipt of this allowance, and the same rule applies to Kieran Coughlan, clerk of the Dáil.

Members are TDs Michael Mulcahy and Séamus Kirk (FF), Dan Neville and Tom Hayes, (FG), Pat Rabbitte (Lab), and Senators Jim Walsh and Cecelia Keaveney, (FF) and Paul Bradford (FG). Following their collapse in the polls, Government TDs are more worried about losing their seats than preserving expenses.

One backbencher, when it was put to him that the Taoiseach should sack 10 of his 20 junior ministers, told us: “He can sack the effin 19 if he has to. We’d have to keep the Chief Whip. No government can work without a whip.” They aren’t happy at all. Not when Labour workers are gleefully declaring: “Fianna Fáil will have to decide which of the larger parties it wants to go into government with.”

Leo told no address to the nation

Just over a week ago, Deputy Leo Varadkar received a letter from the Ceann Comhairle in relation to a question he had put down for answer in the Dáil: “Dear Leo, I regret that I have had to disallow the following question tabled by you: ‘To ask the Taoiseach if he will make an address to the nation on the economic crisis and the measures he will take to lead the country back to recovery.’ The Taoiseach has no official responsibility to Dáil Éireann for this matter.” That’s comforting to know.

Watch your back Varadkar

Speaking of the same Leo – his brash, take no prisoners style really gets up the nose of Government advisers. But the Fine Gael deputy will have to watch his step – they have him in their sights. One handler, needled by Enda Kenny’s criticism this week of some Ministers’ use of the Government jet, drew our attention to Leo’s blog. He’s a prolific blogger, and is probably on the inter-twitter too, or whatever that’s called.

Deputy Varadkar, “in his own words”, said our delighted source, would not be averse to an occasional jaunt on the jet if given the chance. Just look at this vivid, er, passage from the blog: “I spent today travelling back to Ireland, leaving Ulaan Baatar at midnight Dublin time and arriving home (without my luggage) at 9pm after layovers in Moscow and Heathrow. I really can’t wait to get the keys to one of those Government jets. My bowels aren’t feeling the may west (sic) today. Not sure whether to blame the Mongolian food or Aeroflot.”

To be fair to Leo, he wrote this immediately on his return from Mongolia, having spent two weeks doing volunteer work (and blogging extensively) with VSO – an international development charity. But it’s just too much information. The peeved handler may have been more interested in Leo’s throwaway reference to the Government jet, but it’s the Mae West bit that’s thrown us. Furthermore, given Leo’s stated condition, the extremely cramped facilities aboard the jet would have proved most uncomfortable for any sort of prolonged use.

His blog entry, by the way, was filed way back on August 28th of last year. Which says a lot about the tenacity of the Government’s backroom boys and girls. Watch your back, Leo, and keep eating that roughage.

Finian tries for rare auld time

Independent deputy, Finian McGrath, was booked to appear at an old folks’ Christmas party in his Dublin North Central constituency last week.

The wise senior citizens who attend St Luke’s Social Centre in Kilmore had deferred one of their yuletide parties to brighten up a dull February. Finian duly arrived, guitar in one hand and sack of spot prizes in the other. He was surprised, and somewhat gratified, to see two members of An Garda Síochána standing at the front door. However, he was none to pleased when they informed him they were there “for the Minister.”

Seán Haughey, Finian’s constituency rival, had muscled in on his gig. (At least that’s how McGrath sees it.) Anyway, he did his stuff. Told a few gags, handed out the spot prizes and sang a few songs. Go Lassie Go and Angels We Have Heard on High going down particularly well with the weeping OAPs, as they made a mental note to read up on the subject of elder abuse.

A few hours later, Finian got a call from Sr André, with the news that the Minister had made his appearance. And then she gave the news that stopped the Independent deputy in his tracks. It seems that when he heard about Finian’s performance, Seán decided he had to do the same.

And so, the unfortunate pensioners were treated to a emotional rendition of Dublin in the Rare Auld Times from the Minister.

Team Cowen in need of teamwork

There seems to be an absence of proper communications, teamwork and strategy about the Taoiseach and his people at the moment.

Perhaps what they all need is a teambuilding weekend away. No better man to arrange it than former army commandant and Government press secretary, Eoghan O’Neachtain, who could easily organise a few days of abseiling and obstacle courses for Brian Cowen and the troops.

Given the strain that camp Cowen labours under at present, paint-balling exercises might not be a wise option. Enda Kenny took his staff away recently for a teambuilding weekend in Mayo. About a dozen of his advisers took up his challenge and climbed a snow-capped Croagh Patrick. “Cold, but character-forming” was how one handler described the experience. “But it was worth it for the pints and crisps in Campbell’s pub at the foot of the mountain when we got back down.”

By all accounts, a great weekend was had by all. Back in Castlebar, Enda’s wife Fionnula cooked for everyone. “Watching the sun sparkling across Clew Bay from the top of the mountain was almost as wonderful as being 32 per cent in the polls” said Enda yesterday. RTÉ are considering doing a documentary if they decided to go on another character-building. It will be called Blueshirts in the Wild.

‘Prince of Parsnips’ shows video clips

A quick update on Junior Minister Trevor Sargent, also known to colleagues as “The Prince of Parsnips.” Readers have been wondering how he is getting on with his beloved vegetables.

Great news. Trevor is going live to the world from his vegetable garden in north Dublin, dispensing top tips on how to get the best out of your vegetables.

In his bid to become the Alan Titchmarsh of Balbriggan, Trevor is showing clips on his website.

“It’s all very embryonic at this stage, we’re only beginning. The clips are very amateurish, which is part of the charm,” said a spokesman, making the best of things. “He’s going to have plenty of stuff every week, and he’s hoping people will join in with him by growing their own produce.” This week, Trevor is talking about radishes and showing us how to force rhubarb.

If you don’t believe us, log on to trevorsargent.ie and clink the link to “My Kitchen Garden Website”.